User's Guide to Life

Why do you care?

Yeah, why do I, dedicating my emotions and way of spending life towards someone who wouldn't necessarily ever do the same? I don't know, Allah is making it that way, He's leading me through a path I can't find on a map. Who am I to complain? It's all been planned out. Someday, I'll reach my destination and whatever it may be, I shall trust Him that it's the best for me. Nevertheless, I will still pray for my desires. I wonder what his road is like? Am I in it? Could I possibly be a mere pit stop, or could I be the companion who travels with him, finding the way together, 'til the end? God knows. I don't, so I'm just waiting here confused and lost like the person I am, unsure where to go, if I have to keep walking or standing here hoping something will pass by. What am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to know what I should do? What if I decide on something but everything goes wrong, then how can I fix things? What if I just keep my feet on the ground but in fact miracles are just a mile away, then how would I know if it's too late to start walking? Why can't there be a User's Guide to Life?

I had a decent time today except Primary which I found horrible because of, well, loneliness. Dhea doesn't help at all. Inbetween classes I noticed that Fajar is now beginning to talk to his friends unlike yesterday where he kept walking alone. He wore a smile and that P.E. bag I gave him again - he seemed so proud with it, having it rest against his back for the most part. It looked comfortable and belonging there and I wished I was in its position. After I talked with Iwan, Carisa, Dhea, Andin? and the boys conversed and joked but I was too afraid to join in, that boy was there, and I didn't think he wanted to talk to me. It was 1pm but the usual didn't occur so I felt even more alone. On my way to Primary I bumped into Adam and he started rambling 'Hey Syania, you gotta talk to Fajar, he's so emo now' and I forgot what I said. Ever since he said that I constantly thought about how I won't affect his emoness, how I don't know what talking to him would do, because his reply could be anything. To think of the brighter side though, it could revive our beautiful friendship, something I risk nearly all of myself into. But I really can't afford to get hurt again. I've thought about how he's the guy so he should start first, which in my 100% honest opinion he infact always did once I recall all our previous 14+ fights, so why don't I begin... today? Well I gave him cookies. Doesn't that count? In the end though I got offended by a question he asked concerning if the cookies were poisoned or not and things went wrong after that; but just tonight Adam told me he was joking and I thought about it. I think... he made that joke to cheer me up, but I wasn't in the mood for it so I broke down. Sigh, again I don't know... I'm just afraid if he doesn't need me back... so I'll never know the right time to speak up.

When I fight with someone, I get too nervous and scared to say anything to them to return the situation back to normal, which is obviously a drawback. I'm always scared of what they'll reply, i.e. I fear getting more hurt. Or maybe just say I'm a coward, yeah. I'm also scared of their situations without me, whether they're having brighter days or not. Once they say something to me though, all the tension and worry flows away, and I guarantee that I will talk back with a good mood, or at least a smile. I'm a dependent person, I need others and rely on others most of the time 'cause believing in myself can only bring me down. I've always believed I was independent though. I guess I was wrong. Another thing is, I feel a sense of appreciation and self-worth if the person I'm fighting with bothers to try me, 'cause face it, I always try for them. I want to feel worth myself too, you know.

Err, this was such a weird-topic-ed entry I know, but again I just felt like blogging so there it was. I'm meant to be doing ICT h/w but it was due for today and the next time I have Peachey is on Thursday so... delay much? I'll do it in tomorrow's free lesson anyway. Oh no, I'm gonna wear batik. And there's photography club. And Adam's scheming something, I think - that deserves the biggest Oh no.