Profound thots

ok2 from th title u can judge tht th entry will be sentimental [ a better word than emo ] *n hamzah u shudnt be surprised cz i told u already *jim* bt dnt worry HOPEFULLY [ i use tht word a lot here ] it wont be as long as th 'epic end' one which has 3k words [ bsides tht ws an event n it ws fun so y shudnt i make it detailed? ]. th difference in description between this entry's length n th epic end's length is tht this one's bcuz of feeling n th other's abt happening. o yea at th end ill put a small para abt school.

anyway if any of th text in this entry makes u hate me or be disappointed at me or wanna do a lecture at me go ahead n say it, bt this is my blog so i shall express my thots however i want~ ty. =D

ok ever since i began my 16yr old life ive had like 2 fights or shud i say silent distances with fajar [ one in ramadan GASP ] n like 5+ arguments inbetween. dundundun who's surprised? th one im havin rite now is th 11th out of all th fights we've ever had since he arrived in qatar in 2006. since june 08 its always abt th same thing; i wont tell u wt. th thing is, he keeps ASSUMING THINGS tht ive repeatedly DENIED. he'd hate me if i put this in my blog cz he probably dusnt want other ppl t kno abt our situations so thts y ill try t keep info t a minimum bt.. i gotta type abt my feelings n maybe hopefully he'll open up my blog one day n get t read this!
i cant say or type or convey to him properly how i rele feel- its just th way i am around fajar, ok? he just gotta figure it out himself.. which is th problem, cz he cant.

this is th biggest kinda supposition he's always been sayin numerous times: my feelings towards HAMZAH. *which btw r only friendshippy feelings- he assumes tht i am SO OBSESSED with him, n he says things abt y dont i do this n tht more t hamzah than him, bt i mean- its bcuz i DONT WANNA do this n tht more t hamzah! n usually bfore he says tht he goes on abt how i never talk bad abt hamzah, i always defend hamzah n never him [ which is true ], i always see th gud things in hamzah n never th gud things in fajar bla3 - bcuz well, honestly i hardly see anythin bad abt hamzah.
bt fajar, i see a lot of bad things in him, which is somethin he sed ws so one-sided [ he started sayin tht phrase after i dd *gubrak ]. this dusnt make me a rele gud friend dus it? bt i wanna be honest with him. yes i do kno a lot of fajar's pros n i told him i dnt rele kno em [ i guess.. ] n he goes 'yea rite i bet u do kno bt u just dnt wanna say em' n yes, tht is pretty true too. like wt i mentioned above, i cant tell him properly abt how i feel abt him, nevermind THINK abt him.

i point out evry single flaw he has tht i notice, n th nswer i get is 'this is me n if u cant accept it thts ur problem'. YES i kno im supposed t accept ppl th way they r bt.. i constantly mention his flaws so tht he'd NOTICE wt im tryin t do - i wanna change him for th BETTER. no i dnt wanna change him into a hamzah who isnt impolite or wtever, i just want him t be a better guy. n think abt it fajar, y do u think i want u t be a better guy? BCUZ I CARE ABT U. im not tryin t change ur personality n who u r, im tryin t change ur attitude, which is different btw.. i think.

even so, despite th faults he has- despite how many freakin times he's brought me down- despite how many times he's made me angry n upset- fajar shud kno tht even if hamzah is in th same building as i am standin next t me n fajar is havin a holiday somewher in asia or europe busy havin fun with someone else, he's th one id be waitin for t talk to n t be with. NOT HAMZAH *well maybe cz he's already ther.. well anyway, its just how i feel ok? see, this is how i accept u. this is how i possibly cannot think abt hamzah more than i think abt u [ gah tht ws so cheesy >____> ]. so PLS stop talkin abt hamzah bcuz i DONT talk abt him anymore like i used to unless ther is a matter bt ther hardly will be anymore. T~T

somewher in september after our 10th fight or somethin i told him tht he's not my best friend anymore. with tht kinda remark from me, he still thot of me as his best friend anyway. i thot abt it one day - i call fajar my best friend bt we fight all th time n we dont even understand each other n we r mean t one another. i wudnt rele call tht a best friend.. so thts when i told him he's not one anymore. n then i thot abt th best friends tht i DO have, who r girls. i realised tht th feeling fajar gives by bein my friend is totally different from th feelings i get from bein carisa's friend [ obviously bcuz theyre different genders ]. i mean, t be honest, i remember my memories with fajar a hell lot more than my memories with anybody else. i stay friends with him even after th 100s of troubles we've had. for weeks i kept a secret from him, which is tht even if he's not my best friend anymore he IS somethin else. he is my special friend. n i decided tht my special friends r different from my best friends. n he is th only special friend i have n ever had.

then earlier this week in satuday th 11th in RO all of a sudden fajar mentioned somethin abt how since he's not my best friend, i am not his best friend anymore either bcuz 'tht sounds stupid'. i rele had NO IDEA y he sed tht out of th blue. after tht he sed 'just anggap me as ur normal friend' n inside i ws already ranting. no i cant anggap u as my normal friend bcuz our friendship is obviously NOT normal. my friendship with him is nothin like my friendship with umar - now thts a normal friendship. later on in msn we chatted abt it n things got worse. A LOT WORSE. i wont tell how.

on sunday th 12th, i ignored him no matter how many times we passed [ i wont tell u y either ]. he lukd at me for th first few times bt later on he stopped doin so. at home we played RO, all of us, n he calld my name n replied t some of my sentences which wernt even aimed at him n such. he seemed t ignore th chat we had yesterday. as maghrib approached, me n farah gave iwan his birthday present - he seemed t like it. fajar ws th one tht opened th door n i ws th one standin rite in front of him bt i ddnt say anythin. he hung around for 15 minutes with us 3 n i felt so uncomfortable. he talks t me in RO bt y not now? whenever he's like tht i always think he's a wimp. y rnt ther any guys who say things IRL insted of th internet? *bt honestly fajar dus say important stuff IRL quite often..
anyway at nite he talkd abt y i havent given him th school mag comic n i reluctantly sed 'i thot u quit' [ note th school mag ws a part of th chat yesterday on th 11th ] bt then th convo went wrong again, altho i still thot he ws gunna colour th comic. my thots wer mistaken apparently.

tday i saw him wear th p.e. bag i gave him for his birthday. later on in th afternoon it made me wonder y he dd so when we're not even talkin, bt when we r he keeps forgettin it exists n uses his red p.e. bag or somethin. i finally finished th sketch of th school mag comic n after school i coincidentally walkd bhind him n nudged his shoulders after a failed attempt of poking his bag with my books. i ddnt wanna talk to him so i just gestured th artbook at him. he simply lukd at me hangin my arm ther n i think i sed 'its th comic' or 'here' or wtever bt he sed 'i quit' n walked off. i have no idea how i felt rite then n ther. my thots wer speechless thts all i kno. ws i too heartbroken? too shocked? idk. bt i ws obviously confused y yesterday he seemed t be normal n tday he seemed t be so far away. even in RO he ddnt say anythin related t me or at me.

i have no idea wt will happen this 11th time.. bt how can things be th same if uve lost a special friend who's always been consorting u evry single day? after all, fajar makes up most of th memories i keep recalling.. things r rele different without him. its like i lost a piece of myself n im too focused on it i dnt even think abt anythin else. i can say its my fault im feelin this way bt i probably dd it for th better, only i dnt feel so - he probably dus tho.. i have lots more t say bt ill stop here..

*abt school

as usual school is monotonous so thers nothin t say abt tht bt, afta school me dhea n hikmah had t do th primary indoor + outdoor activity service thing for iA. th teacher ws calld mr.paterson n he kinda freaked me out cz he ws weird, n th woman teacher ws even weirder o___O;; th dude wore ALL BLACK when we wnted t play outside wth?
i even had a chance t play hangman with th kids. at least if i ever do somethin stupid they wont notice khkiekhie. outside, we played sharks n fish n wts th time mr.wolf? dhea hadta be th wolf. at around 1:30pm i saw khalid n fadhli appear n they watched us til 1:50pm playin tht tiring n stupid game XD
ok thts all.

word count: 1792 [ 1.3k less than epic end! XD ]