A Happily Miserable Day at CC

Umar did a peace sign after this picture, har

Hi guys. I reckon I should blog about today but since pictures can describe the series of events I'll just simply say we went to QBC first before going to the Museum which turns out to be closed on Tuesdays gah stupid. I'll also say that me and Fajar both wore white kemejas and black pants and that we were holding orange die [dice plural] at the end of the day. Another thing I'll mention is that after the Isynas went home me, CC and Fajar went bowling from 3 'til 4:15. Before that you don't know how much I struggled to try and talk to Fajar. I wanted to in Xtreme but he was so busy with Umar, I wanted to when we were at bowling sitting next to each other [the chance was so open], I wanted to when we were walking to the Musholla, but I couldn't spit out a simple Hello, Fajar because I'm like that. It makes me wonder how he does it so easily before countless of times. When we met up with mothers and Iwan, Bella and Andin at this coffee cafe place that was the point where I felt really tired and moody 'cause I decided to listen to sad songs and rest my head on the table and have my dice from Umar [in RO when I got home he asked 'dd u get another doll hha'] next to my face. Then like, I started to cry real bad. Like for 15 minutes or more even. I'm sorry Matar that's why I had to refuse your nudging .__. I don't know if anybody noticed 'cause when I stood up to leave I turned my face away from everyone but I had to sniff so I'm sure people knew. Matar patted me and as me, Iwan, Fajar and Tante Siwi walked to the car Iwan whispered to me 'You're a big girl now don't cry' but I couldn't stop, the tears just kept flowing. And you know what, I kept crying onto the dice. If that dice wasn't there who knows what I could cover my sobbing face with besides my hands or sleeves. I'm sorry dice. In the car I continued my sob-fest and I was so embarassed but I thought that crying would help me release all the pain I've been feeling since yesterday plus I was hardly able to stop. I didn't tell you guys that last night I cried myself to sleep did I? And I actually did sobbing noises. I was on my bed weeping for ages .__.; Anyway that's when I sorta had the thought that maybe all this time I've had trouble misery-crying 'cause the tears were preparing for this recent cengengness. I just cried whilst listening to Iwan and Fajar talk and sometimes chuckle. It made me think if Fajar was sad at all for me. It made me think twice 'cause when I got home he put PMs about me which showed he still thinks about me but then he went ahh whatever again. I had no niat to start a conversation yet 'cause I was still full of sorrow... Then at night Nisa and Dhea invited me to have a somewhat photo session specially for me and Iwan 'cause we're leaving and all; that's when I FINALLY decided to open a chat after 4 days but he didn't reply so I left. Outside however we didn't talk at all. There was me, Nisa, DnF, Iwan, Fajar and the twins appeared when we were gathering in front of Nisa's house talking. Dhea was telling stupid stories (Y) We decided to go inside after the Ulumuddin parents went to antar the Ismail family but we just watched TV and NisaZah played piano. Me, Nisa and Farah also played cards for a while and then I tried to make a pyramid out of them but kept failing and stressed. The other boys were inside Fadhli's room doing RO and guitar stuff. By the way when Nisa played River Flows in You I started crying again but for a minute or so. T'was because the melody is so melancholic so I started thinking about the past again. I went home at 10-ish and tolerated with Facebook's gay photo uploader.

You know, Fajar never seems to look interested in talking to me. He tells me though what I see from his expressions isn't necessarily what I should believe in 'cause the inside could have different feelings but it makes me hold back to my intentions anyway. That's why I'm always surprised when he writes PMs about me. 'Cause he never ever ever looks like he remembers who I should still be to him [a best friend]. I'm the only real best friend you ever have Fajar. I'm sure the reason why we're having these complications is because our story is supposed to go on. In fact I never thought it ended anyway. Not with me still needing you back, I mean.

I know you read my blog and I know you're glad none of this is your fault but mine, but do you really enjoy seeing me cry and this miserable?

Dear God, today wasn't how I wanted very much but thank you for giving me courage to finally start at least somewhere. If me and Fajar being friends again tomorrow is what You will, please make it happen... Amin

The 3 gays that made today the awesomest;
plus like someone else but I think I don't need to mention that one.