January Hurted

in this lonely road I always walk in

I will start by saying that you should all know I'm in a bad mood judging from the previous 3 entries or so. You should also know that I had a fantastic week last week which pitfalled in these last 7 days of January due to reasons my entire community already knows about... and others. What I know is that all of you had a much better time than me, so if you don't want those happy moods destroyed, do not read.

There was I.A. on Sunday but because I felt lazy to go, I didn't. I remember some bad news yesterday which I told a few people about. I walked to the car with ahoushi and Khalid, they were talking to me about, ugh, ******. I noticed the idiot never looked me right in the eye and when I was about to ask him something he ran away.

Monday was the acclaimed Emo Day, Umar wore a black kemeja which I wanted to faint over. I had the exact same shirt which I planned to wear but changed my mind and I so regretted it. I didn't talk to Fajar at school and felt biasa2 aja lah, but when I got home something happened which kind of... actually, really hurted me. From Adam I knew that the boy was concerned about me afterwards, which I appreciated a lot, but he never asked me myself. So I left him be.

The next day we didn't talk to each other again so I continued 'acting weird', but I found out from Adam in the evening that the idiot asked him again why I'm like this. Thanks Fajar, but why don't you ask me instead? At 12:45 I just stood against the pole thinking, not wanting to socialise, but at 1pm when I saw Hamzah walking off I wanted to talk to him. There was photography of course and I planned to be with Carisa and the others this time, but I ended up taking photos of the red firebox thing for so long that I lost them. I heard noises downstairs and found Hamzah going up the steps and I was glad he was around, just like last week. Maybe that was all fate. Then I think I asked for his help. Eyre passed by while we were with the firebox and he said 'Interesting photograph' or something XD Cania appeared and told me something and I became mental. Then me and Hamzah went downstairs, I got intrigued with the water machine and spent some time there. Eyre passed by again and said 'Interesting photograph' again. We saw Carisa and Dhe3 posing in front of the bathroom window, wtf? and laughed XD Hamzah disappeared so I looked for him outside. He was taking pics of flowers, wtf?, and showed me failure frames. I took the flower from him and used it with the water machine. After several pleadings, both of us traveled upstairs for a secret purpose. I was taking pics of the other side of the block and Eyre passed by waving his arms.

LOL he's so funny. I missed the 2 years he teached me in ): I sat on the floor taking pics of the ceiling and Hamzah copied my idea [I failed]. He briskly walked past the corner but I was like ASDDAGDSHD, so when I stood up and went over to him I literally stumbled/tripped, right in front of that classroom, but thank God I didn't fall. Hamzah was laughing at me with his pink cheeks 'cause I'm sure I looked stupid, but I bet mine was from the embarassment. Carisa, Dhe3 and Farah appeared and stalked us to Ward's room. Soon it was 2 but Hamzah brought me over to the Tech Block and I was confused as to why but then remembered that he wanted to show me his artwork. Shaza and Rodha were in there but left right after we came. We spent several minutes inside [his folder was nice] then ran off to pray. There was only me, Hamzah, Tante Ita and Tante Chandra in the car. DnF didn't join us apparently. I sat at the back with him, he ate an entire container of Cinnzeos I think [I only ate 1 piece] and throughout the journey we took photos of the city furiously, and... talked. Yeah, I really liked that afternoon.

Um, all about Wednesday is typed here.

I think Thursday made me cry, but I don't remember very well. Right before registration I immediately noticed that Fajar was absent and I got a bit worried and asked Iwan, turns out he was sick. Even though I'm not talking to him and I don't know the reason why, the day felt weird without him. Afterschool me and matar had issues with badminton being swarmed with boys, but in the end we overcame it and played. Umar was made of pure awesome. His leg muscles *dies*. There were the twins, the Malays and Afif and his friends. At first we played by the side but then Bonnar kicked some dudes out and we got the court. Then after a while we invited Umzah to play with us, gosh I sucked. It's been months. Farhan took Carisa for a singles match so I kept watching the raging skull HAHAAHA. Lavinia arrived later on and she played with us too. Farhan totally trashed me, he was so hard [duh] -__-;;. In the last 10-15 minutes me, Hamzah, Carisa and Lavinia had a fail game together and I was with Hamzah so yeah, we ended up talking more than paying attention to the game HAHA. Sorry Carisa. Oh yeah, I saw Arif roll on the floor like 2 times and I laughed so hard. At home I panicked whether to give Fajar cookies or not but then I heard he was already healthy. Nevertheless, when Nisa and CC [was DnF there?] popped in I prepared 2 pieces. My Year12 classmates seemed to dominate the tennis court from 6-ish til 8 and I was like wtf, what are they doing here 0.0 Too bad I didn't get to show them that I live here, 'cause they already left. Then, before going to the court, me and Carisa/Cania went over to Iwan's to hand over the cookies. I made sure Fajar wouldn't open the door but when Iwan did, I saw Fajar walk right behind him [that guy didn't even realise] scratching his messy-haired head [he looked sleepy]. I was so surprised and hid, but turns out the boy headed for the bathroom. Ughh, I miss him so bad. I shoved the bag at Iwan and ran off. I think then me and Cania went to my house but I forgot why. We watched KHR *sheds a tear* then migrated to DnF's to eat yummy soto. 'Til 11pm, Matar talked about her childhood and it was really interesting, I was so shocked at every tale told. It was a sad night. But I laughed.

I wish Friday never happened to me, that I slept through the entire day, infact, maybe throughout my entire life. When I woke up I took a look outside and it was fogging, it made the compound look scary. Then at 7:30 I went to Aspire and had a normal time but it hurted. The girls wanted to go to Dindor's for singing practise and I declined the offer 'cause I didn't want to sing and I knew that if I came I'd still be left out anyway. So I stayed at home, and I hated it. Fajar started a chat saying my first name and I swear I wanted to cry due to being so touched but guess what, it ended for the worst. He went offline after saying 'nvm' and I became clueless, confused, angry, sad, yearning, why?. I thought things would turn out OK with at least 1 person, but I thought wrong, and decided to type a caps lock entry spilling nearly all my feelings. There was nobody online, not even the reward, and even though I know he doesn't go on that much I still wanted to know where he was. I couldn't stand the pain of being in front of the laptop so I sat on the couch and started reading, but I got bored of that. So I turned on the TV and watched Discovery Science for a bit. Then at 1pm-ish... I drifted to sleep. I woke up at 2, checked MSN for 10 seconds and saw nothing happening. My heart was still hurting and I didn't want to bear it any longer so I hopped in bed and continued my deep sleep. I really, really slept. I had a dream. Sekompond was having some sort of jurit malam in a house that seemed to be my relatives'. It wasn't scary at all, but funny. When we were done I remember Afif bringing us popsicles and we ate happily. It was 6AM, we stepped outside and the scene turned into school. We were all panicking 'OMG we're gonna be late for school' 'cause we had to go home first to get ready, wtf? As we walked to the car I found free manga and tones sheets on the floor. It was a good dream, and I wish I never woke up. But I did, at Maghrib. I slept for 4 hours. That was a record. I miserably dragged my feet to the laptop and nobody was online, still. I wondered how long they were gonna stay at Dinda's, how long he has to go out, where on earth the idiot is. Nisa appeared though and at first I was too lazy to chat but soon I gained a lil' bit of spirit. I looked outside at 6 and found Abid, Iwan, Afdal and Boey, so us girls went out. Since I wore my abaya, was tired, moody and didn't feel like it, I simply watched them play basketball. DnF had to go to the wisma so it was me and Nisa left. Suddenly she had the idea of watching a movie and I suggested the Orphanage and we instantly agreed, but I had to eat dinner. When I went back outside Khalid and Fajar were there and I felt a twinge of pain seeing him, 'cause I haven't all day. I asked Nisa if we should watch outside and she said it all depended on me. When I brought my laptop to the court, the twins appeared. Since it wouldn't turn on, I decided to bring my dad's and it worked [with internet too]. We watched against the fence and BoeyBid scared us like 3x and I screamed in 2 of them I think. Fajar laughed at us, and I don't know if he was being mean. I shivered either because of the movie or the weather and Nisa kept crawling away from me and I got scared. The boys stopped playing basketball at 8:30 and just sat down, Iwan was 30mins late for his bedtime. After he left, Fajar did, then Umar, then Afdal. I sort of wondered why the idiot left early, last Friday he stayed 'til 10:30 even when Umar and the other guys weren't there. There was only Khalid, Fadhli and Hamzah left. They watched the movie with us :D But Khalid left shortly. The atmosphere was tense and quiet 'til 9:30, when Om Bidin came over to take Fadhli home. Hamzah had to leave too, and since it would be just me and Nisa, we got dead frightened and decided to go home also. The movie would've ended at 10 ); I returned home in despair.

Saturday was shit too -___-. Stayed at home all day, didn't see anyone. I slept 'til 10:15AM though so yay I used up valuable time. This time the idiot did stay online longer but nothing progressed. I didn't chat with anyone all day, either, 'cept Nisa for a bit and Dasa. Everyone seemed so busy. At least I spent around 2 hours watching Britain's Next Top Model which entertained me. As I sit here at 6:45 though, I don't even know what I've done all day. People posted in their blogs and after reading them I... I don't know. I couldn't comment. I couldn't bother faking a 'I'm glad you had a great time', 'cause really, I'm not. But I continuously kept wondering why I can't be like them, your average girl. Why am I so different? Why am I the only girl, even sekompond member maybe, depressed? Why am I the only one with 2 guy friends who are on exactly the same level as any normal girl and their girl BFFs? Why am I the only one who sort of hate girls in general, and prefers having guys around? I'm not saying this to offend anyone, it's how I really feel. All the time. I don't wanna be your average girl though, it's so 'boring' and I like the way I am, but when it comes to these kinds of circumstances... that's what makes me unable to fit in. No other girl is like me. Well, what I actually want is for my guy friends to consider me highly, important and special too, to a point that... I don't know. To any point that can make me hurt-free again. 'Cause that's the problem.

Kau Diam Tanpa Kata
Kau Seolah Jenuh Padaku
Ku Ingin Kau Bicara
Katakan Saja Apa Salahku

Sungguh Aku Tak Mengerti
Apa Yang Telah Terjadi Dan
Ku Tak Ingin Kau Pergi Jauh Dari Hidupku

Ku Ingin Kau Bicara
Katakan Saja Apa Maumu
Lihat Aku Coba Kau Mengerti
Ini Semua Bisa Teratasi
Resapilah Semua Yang Pernah Kita Lakukan

Kau Takkan Pernah Sadari
Betapaku Mencintaimu
Kau Yang Selalu Aku Banggakan
Kau Takkan Pernah Mengerti
Betapaku Menyayangimu
Kau Yang Selalu Aku Inginkan

This is a long entry I know, but I haven't blogged properly for a week so might as well make the most of it.I really don't wanna go to school, I feel like my parents waste their hopes and money on me, 'cause I don't want this education and study-abroad offer they give me, I don't want to be an engineer 'cause I fail at everything, I don't wanna work hard for anything anymore besides going to heaven. I'm saying all this 'cause I'm going through a phase by the way; I'm sure when I'm fully healed [God knows when, let it be soon though amin ya robbal alamin] I'll forget all this hopeless shit I've typed. It's not the real me, I don't give up. Someone told me something like that before.

I pray to Allah with my dying will that February onwards will be brighter. Amin.