To Be in My Shoes.

Even cutting yourself would feel better.

Imagine this.

You wake up, it's dark outside and the hairs on your skin are standing still.
It's hard to move, painful to open your eyes, but easy to remember the day before.
The time is only 4:30AM, but you're already thinking about that horrible yesterday where hurt appears to be the highlight. You want it to go away. It's too early.
Mom prepares you a breakfast, you eat quietly, then sit on the couch. 15 minutes pass by. You perform Shalat and remain in the last position, praying hard for the better. 10 minutes pass by.
Soon it's time for school - that personal jail you're forced to trudge in for another 4 months - but you didn't even start your homework; due to the lack of motivation and sheer depression you experienced just 9 hours ago.
It's time to play the role of the prisoner now, so you drag a smile and sit on the steps and furiously continue the homework that will result in a sentence if it is incomplete. People don't bother.
It's time for assembly now, none of your mates seem to be with you so you walk to the Sports Hall as a single person. You saw your best friend come in and look for a couple of seconds but they don't.
It's time for study period now, so you grab a desk next to the window where no one can join you and write write write.
It's time for Maths now, a lesson full of hatred and rage for the alien dictator teacher who can't shut his damn mouth for a single minute without asking his victims how they're doing. It is an hour of absolute silence, though you push yourself to joke and laugh quietly with the person sitting next to you, for they do not know how you really feel inside.
It's time for break now, you turn away from your usual cluster because you know you don't fit in and join the untypical ones. There is a test coming up which you didn't have time to study for, but had all the world to contemplate about 'life'.
It's time for Physics now, it was OK but because the teacher told you to pick up the tests from everybody else, who were obviously still writing, you couldn't finish. You realise you spent 4 minutes waiting for them, and remember that someone meaningful has a lesson in the same block right now; so you pray to God and rushed, stepping out the chamber to know it's too late.
It's time for ICT now, the classroom is like a vaccuum - no sound can be heard. Suddenly the bell rings and you chase the stairs hoping, but it crashes.
It's time for break now, that other homework you ditched is scrawled 'til 2 minutes after the last lesson has passed. The grounds are empty now, except with the traces of boy students, 2 of whom you know, but only 1 of whom you glanced at in yearn. They seem to peer at you through the leaves but imaginations are wild anyway.
It's time for Chemistry now, a lesson which is enjoyable but occasionally confusing. The homework you dedicated your energy to is not collected, new chunks of information are thrown at you, and an experiment which results makes all scream 'WHY' are conducted. The final bell signals freedom - or so you expect.
Finally it's time to go home now, your weight is slightly lifted due to no homework, but shoulders sag as you glance at your best friend face their own friends joyfully talking and someone dear walk up not to you, but those other people... other people...

You just want to go home.

Watching the best friend prance away, you wish they would turn around and look at you, but they never do. You only watch their back, again for the 5th time, until it finally disappears and you have to wait 'til tomorrow to see them again. You wonder if they will come up to you and say hi.
When are you going home? You and your friends walk outside to the heat and the music blares, the world shut out. The fence is the only thing that can keep you straight, as others seem to forget you're there and converse by themselves, but you don't care. You stand up and scrape 'HEL' on the sand. Help? Or Hell?
You wonder why that someone dear isn't talking to you. At lonely times like this, they are often your source of comfort. Perhaps today it's not for show, so you drift away to the sad beats humming into your ears. Everyone is together, except you who walks alone, even to the car which rolled in after waiting for an endless 30 minutes. Time has been wasted.
A car is your personal space to listen music and ignore everything but its lyrics, and the constant replay of feelings and melancholic memories in your sensitive mind. The others talk, but you don't want to join in. You start to imagine all sorts of wonderful things that will never happen.

Home is where the heart dies. Today.

Everything was peaceful until you suddenly read a ramble of lies, told by that someone dear who you now know why they ignored you. Life's unfair is an immature statement, so you decide to hate, but contain the anger and the urge to type profanity for you are fasting. You think of how bad a time it is for this to happen.
You and that someone discuss and express thoughts about the issue; until one single statement causes you to suddenly cry. You go to your room, lie down on the bed and tears fall. All is wrong now. Eyes still wet, you think about how you wish that best friend of yours is talking to you, so you can tell them everything, really - everything. But they don't even ask. You wish they did.
The screen shows no new messages from them and you exit the window hatefully with sorrow. How are you supposed to feel when people make rumours and gossip about you? They are wrong. They are bloody, fucking wrong. You start to blame people, hate people, crazily wondering why this has to happen to you. You worry of a golden friendship that can lose its worth.
But your father keeps coming up to you to talk about the future. University. You are frustrated and annoyed, but remain patient and calm in answering his kind questions.

There is no time to think of the steps forward when you keep falling.