When was the last time I made a deep entry filled with contents of this guy only? Hmmmh... 2nd of February.
It's nearly 12AM and I feel sleepy but I won't be satisfied with this day [like I ever was] 'til I blog about depressing stuff - total turn-over from the last entry. I'm disabling comments 'cause, well... I don't know... If you wanna say something about everything below then talk to me in person or start a chat, doesn't matter. When it all happened I really wanted to talk about it with someone specific but I didn't know who - so I guess a blog entry will do.
Fajar doesn't read my blog right? And anybody who does doesn't tell him about the things I type right? OK so I'll begin the chain of events.
- Thursday - 2nd.
It was time for Badminton and I was gonna leave 'til I saw Fajar walking away. I thought he was joining us so I called out his name 2x in order to ask and he turned around and gave me the scariest, most miserable yet icy look ever. I will always remember how his eyes glared at me when I read this paragraph. I stepped forward and continued anyway, aren't you going to badminton? and he shook his head and went. I could've ran after him but that idea never occured to me so I too turned round and, worried, decided to call him instead. Thankfully he picked up. His voice was sullen - I felt it even through my ears. First I inquired about Badminton again but then I moved on to questions about his current condition. All he said was no. Then before he hung up, he said 'I have to call Iwan'.
At home his PM said that he was 'not in the mood and may not reply' so I decided to leave him alone. I really wanted to somehow communicate with him though so I patiently waited for the movie he wanted to watch to be converted so I can put it in my USB. I thought that I should ring his house, ask for him to come out, give the USB and maybe start a conversation. I was able to conduct the plan at 8-ish and I felt normal at first but after I pressed the doorbell I was a bit nervous. He came out like 2 seconds after his dad opened the door and I lifted the USB and asked if he wanted the file but he said he got it from Hamzah already. He didn't go back in straight away but searched to the right and left of the compound several times even though it's obvious nobody's outside. While he did that I wanted to know about his report but all he said was that it's good. I said I wanted to see it but he repeated what he said. It felt awkward 'cause he was hardly looking at me so it's like I was talking to an open door. Then I tried again and asked him what's wrong; said out loud proofs of his strangeness today. He quietly pointed inside and insisted we talk about it in MSN, online, not now. I asked him why not, but he repeated what he said. Then we just looked at each other for a few seconds, I sighed, turned around and walked away without a word. I could tell he was standing there watching me leave before he went back and closed the door.
At home I waited for him to open up a window but he never did, so that's when I started to feel upset. But I had a little hope for tomorrow in Aspire and Green Guitar, maybe something will happen then. Yeah, sure Syania.
At home his PM said that he was 'not in the mood and may not reply' so I decided to leave him alone. I really wanted to somehow communicate with him though so I patiently waited for the movie he wanted to watch to be converted so I can put it in my USB. I thought that I should ring his house, ask for him to come out, give the USB and maybe start a conversation. I was able to conduct the plan at 8-ish and I felt normal at first but after I pressed the doorbell I was a bit nervous. He came out like 2 seconds after his dad opened the door and I lifted the USB and asked if he wanted the file but he said he got it from Hamzah already. He didn't go back in straight away but searched to the right and left of the compound several times even though it's obvious nobody's outside. While he did that I wanted to know about his report but all he said was that it's good. I said I wanted to see it but he repeated what he said. It felt awkward 'cause he was hardly looking at me so it's like I was talking to an open door. Then I tried again and asked him what's wrong; said out loud proofs of his strangeness today. He quietly pointed inside and insisted we talk about it in MSN, online, not now. I asked him why not, but he repeated what he said. Then we just looked at each other for a few seconds, I sighed, turned around and walked away without a word. I could tell he was standing there watching me leave before he went back and closed the door.
At home I waited for him to open up a window but he never did, so that's when I started to feel upset. But I had a little hope for tomorrow in Aspire and Green Guitar, maybe something will happen then. Yeah, sure Syania.
- Friday - 3rd.
Sometimes there's Fridays where you say Thank God, and there's ones where you say It Was Terrible. The latter seems to apply to the one I'm talking about right now.The weather fitted atmosphere of the entire day - dark, gloomy, rainy, grey.
In Aspire I watched the others play handball and simply listened to my iPod star pillow. I knew the boys were coming so I just stood there silently wishing Fajar will poke me and say something - it came true, but wrong person - Dinda I believe. Instead, when I turned round [is there another way to say that phrase?] I saw the boy heading to the carpark. I was really disappointed. He was wearing the wristband I gave him nearly a year ago, the one that I lost and kept looking for for ages, the one I thought he lost too but it was there, around his wrist. And he wore the bag I gave him for his 13th birthday, but I'm not surprised. It's like part of me was with him. I know that was cheesy but shut up, I'm a girl and I have feelings and my own cheesy moments.
I left the green wonder [the park] in total grudge mode. His PM had no relevance to what was happening in the past 2 days but I understood what it meant when I saw Tante Siwi's status - Fajar was sick [it sorta helps to have a mother's Facebook]. That made me a bit anxious to know if he was gonna go to the GG or not, and he was.
I still remember the pure embarassment I got on this supposedly good day. I went in the Tech Block alone to go to the bathroom but when I pushed the entrance doors to go back outside I discovered it was locked. I was flipping locked inside the building. At first I wanted to get out from the Boys' Bathroom window but when I stared at it it looked kinda awkward. Their toilets even stink in the weekends. I furiously called Carisa and Cania but they wouldn't pick up and I panicked. I checked my credit and there was like 2 riyals left. I called Khalid for help and he simply laughed but I didn't care. Nobody came at all. Then I smsed Hamzah but he replied in disbelief [why would I make that up man?] so when I saw him outside I called with a desperate tone. I told him that I think I was gonna cry and after he said OK OK I seriously did. Unwilling to be embarrassed even more, I quickly stopped and wiped the tears off so they will be unnoticeable when somebody rescues me. From inside I saw Hamzah talking to Parry and Warrilow and both of them walked over with Fajar, Khalid, Farah and Cania trailing behind laughing. I already felt ridiculed but Farah sort of made it worse by taking a picture when I stepped outside. The teachers joked and said that I could've been in there all weekend [if it weren't for Hamzah] and I replied awkwardly. However what made my embarrassment even worse was that Fajar was simply laughing. Not much, but he laughed. So did Khalid, but he doesn't matter. I thought: How dare you laugh at me when I was totally humiliated, and you aren't even talking to me? How could you not even comfort me? I then saw Indira and Dinda come over to me and I hugged Indira and cried a bit, shamefully. When I got inside I thanked Hamzah with pure sincerity and refused to look at Fajar. I remember turning around once to show Hamzah some Western people sitting down with a large smile on my face and I saw Fajar looking at me, I think, but I didn't look back 'cause my grin wasn't for him at all.
Why was I expecting so much from the Green Guitar? Well, ever since I begged Fajar to buy a ticket, I've been wanting to sit [when I thought we were gonna be in the field] together especially when he accused of me obviously going to be with Hamzah and leaving him [which actually did happen]. But I told him I wanted us to watch the concert together and I knew he wanted that too. After we agreed on it, I remember the next day or something he asked 'When's the Green Guitar' and I said 'Friday, how can you forget so easily' and then he said 'It shall be a good day'. On the actual day though nothing of what we wished for happened at all, and we never even breathed the same air in those 2 hours. Except in the car. Sure I had fun with Hamzah and Cania but I wanted the special memory to last with him. Just like in Bowling, Ghaza Day, Sekompond nights... It's just not fair how the previous willingness of our hearts went to waste. It didn't seem like it when we reached the compound but I was in fact really upset.
In Aspire I watched the others play handball and simply listened to my iPod star pillow. I knew the boys were coming so I just stood there silently wishing Fajar will poke me and say something - it came true, but wrong person - Dinda I believe. Instead, when I turned round [is there another way to say that phrase?] I saw the boy heading to the carpark. I was really disappointed. He was wearing the wristband I gave him nearly a year ago, the one that I lost and kept looking for for ages, the one I thought he lost too but it was there, around his wrist. And he wore the bag I gave him for his 13th birthday, but I'm not surprised. It's like part of me was with him. I know that was cheesy but shut up, I'm a girl and I have feelings and my own cheesy moments.
I left the green wonder [the park] in total grudge mode. His PM had no relevance to what was happening in the past 2 days but I understood what it meant when I saw Tante Siwi's status - Fajar was sick [it sorta helps to have a mother's Facebook]. That made me a bit anxious to know if he was gonna go to the GG or not, and he was.
I still remember the pure embarassment I got on this supposedly good day. I went in the Tech Block alone to go to the bathroom but when I pushed the entrance doors to go back outside I discovered it was locked. I was flipping locked inside the building. At first I wanted to get out from the Boys' Bathroom window but when I stared at it it looked kinda awkward. Their toilets even stink in the weekends. I furiously called Carisa and Cania but they wouldn't pick up and I panicked. I checked my credit and there was like 2 riyals left. I called Khalid for help and he simply laughed but I didn't care. Nobody came at all. Then I smsed Hamzah but he replied in disbelief [why would I make that up man?] so when I saw him outside I called with a desperate tone. I told him that I think I was gonna cry and after he said OK OK I seriously did. Unwilling to be embarrassed even more, I quickly stopped and wiped the tears off so they will be unnoticeable when somebody rescues me. From inside I saw Hamzah talking to Parry and Warrilow and both of them walked over with Fajar, Khalid, Farah and Cania trailing behind laughing. I already felt ridiculed but Farah sort of made it worse by taking a picture when I stepped outside. The teachers joked and said that I could've been in there all weekend [if it weren't for Hamzah] and I replied awkwardly. However what made my embarrassment even worse was that Fajar was simply laughing. Not much, but he laughed. So did Khalid, but he doesn't matter. I thought: How dare you laugh at me when I was totally humiliated, and you aren't even talking to me? How could you not even comfort me? I then saw Indira and Dinda come over to me and I hugged Indira and cried a bit, shamefully. When I got inside I thanked Hamzah with pure sincerity and refused to look at Fajar. I remember turning around once to show Hamzah some Western people sitting down with a large smile on my face and I saw Fajar looking at me, I think, but I didn't look back 'cause my grin wasn't for him at all.
Why was I expecting so much from the Green Guitar? Well, ever since I begged Fajar to buy a ticket, I've been wanting to sit [when I thought we were gonna be in the field] together especially when he accused of me obviously going to be with Hamzah and leaving him [which actually did happen]. But I told him I wanted us to watch the concert together and I knew he wanted that too. After we agreed on it, I remember the next day or something he asked 'When's the Green Guitar' and I said 'Friday, how can you forget so easily' and then he said 'It shall be a good day'. On the actual day though nothing of what we wished for happened at all, and we never even breathed the same air in those 2 hours. Except in the car. Sure I had fun with Hamzah and Cania but I wanted the special memory to last with him. Just like in Bowling, Ghaza Day, Sekompond nights... It's just not fair how the previous willingness of our hearts went to waste. It didn't seem like it when we reached the compound but I was in fact really upset.
- Saturday - 4th.
The source of what makes April fucked up, so far, and hopefully just it. Which reminds me, what's gonna happen when we Umrah? Will we make up beforehand so we can SMS each other throughout the entire week in which we will be separated? The thought of that [SMSing and not having him around for a week] stings me a lot. I remember when I umrahed last year in March and he was in Kuwait and when I came home he put in his PM 'Welcome back Bs' - padahal dia masih di Kuwait xD Such an idiot...
KAIFA was a drag as usual and when we collected by the stairs I noticed Fajar wasn't there. As much as I was sort of grudging him and still sad, I got the nerve to ask Iwan of his whereabouts - he said he was sick. The boy healed before the GG 'cause he got a shot but now it's back again and I must admit I cared. When I got home he wasn't online so I waited 'til he did, to say get well. I wanted to be the good person - specially after hearing the Kiamat stuff we learnt in that KAIFA session. Finally after a few hours or less he appeared and I said what I had - and wanted to. All he replied was thanks, and I was baffled he didn't even mention anything about the past few days. So I brought the topic up lightly.
However we're both hard-headed, I'm always blaming him, he's never taking my words in and shooting things back at me, I'm always so sensitive and he was dizzy, tired and sick so the chat went downhill. I made his illness worse but I was honestly being evil and thinking he deserved it, and didn't care. He went offline after screaming what I've done to his condition and then I realised my head felt hot but I was shivering like mad everywhere else. It wasn't cold so I didn't know why. After half an hour or so he went online again and we continued the argument. I can't bear to open the chat log, despite it being the highest so far with 598KB. The beginning is filled with normality and happiness but I know that anger, pain and sadness made up 3/4 of the rest. I was eating curly fries as we chatted but suddenly I lost my appetite and gave the plate to Ocha. That was my first time rejecting the food, but I really didn't want to eat or do anything but focus on the chat. Everything about it hurted.
Fajar brought up people's names a few times but he most often brought up Hamzah's. Always, always Hamzah. He kept comparing himself to him. He kept saying how I don't love him like I do with Hamzah. He kept saying how I always greet Hamzah but not him. He kept saying how it shows that I love Hamzah but when it comes to him, there's no proof at all. Well how can he get proof when he keeps comparing himself to Hamzah? He's basically implying that he wants me to treat him the same like I do with Hamzah doesn't he? He also kept saying how he's in the bottom of my list. That's not fucking true. He brings me down all the time but he's always at the top for me. I thought saying that wouldn't make a difference so I constantly searched for memories and actions in my brain that can make him realise that he's wrong. But he kept saying I'm making up reasons, that I don't love him at all, not like with Hamzah. I felt helpless. Nothing I said could convince him. So I decided to shoot back at him asking what has HE done to show he loves me, what has HE given me, 'cause I've given him a lot, nearly everything I can give to a best friend. Inside I know I didn't need to ask that 'cause I know what he's given me. I just wished he can do the same with me by realising, but he didn't.
That's when I hesitated and said the stupid L word to him, I said it like 4x [amongst other phrases though, not directly 'cause that's too embarassing] but I forgot that this year Fajar's a guy who finds actions more meaningful than words so he didn't believe my expression of affection. But when I mentioned how he doesn't love me so why should I love him, he didn't say anything at all - except once in the beginning of the chat, 'I can't love anyone'. That's when I got the picture; that he doesn't love me. The conversation went on and on and on. He constantly shoved 'you always blame me, only me, never Hamzah, never anyone else, just me' at my confused self but I couldn't say anything but 'well it is your fault'. Ya Allah... Make him understand. Towards the end of the chat we still talked about the stupid L word and blame. I don't remember what else 'cause I'm too afraid to open the log and get hurt all over again but it's basically all of the above in different versions. His PM was: why me, you still have others, im just the last of the list. so don't blame me. Finally he started to reply really slowly and I couldn't take it any longer so I decided to end the chat once and for all.
KAIFA was a drag as usual and when we collected by the stairs I noticed Fajar wasn't there. As much as I was sort of grudging him and still sad, I got the nerve to ask Iwan of his whereabouts - he said he was sick. The boy healed before the GG 'cause he got a shot but now it's back again and I must admit I cared. When I got home he wasn't online so I waited 'til he did, to say get well. I wanted to be the good person - specially after hearing the Kiamat stuff we learnt in that KAIFA session. Finally after a few hours or less he appeared and I said what I had - and wanted to. All he replied was thanks, and I was baffled he didn't even mention anything about the past few days. So I brought the topic up lightly.
However we're both hard-headed, I'm always blaming him, he's never taking my words in and shooting things back at me, I'm always so sensitive and he was dizzy, tired and sick so the chat went downhill. I made his illness worse but I was honestly being evil and thinking he deserved it, and didn't care. He went offline after screaming what I've done to his condition and then I realised my head felt hot but I was shivering like mad everywhere else. It wasn't cold so I didn't know why. After half an hour or so he went online again and we continued the argument. I can't bear to open the chat log, despite it being the highest so far with 598KB. The beginning is filled with normality and happiness but I know that anger, pain and sadness made up 3/4 of the rest. I was eating curly fries as we chatted but suddenly I lost my appetite and gave the plate to Ocha. That was my first time rejecting the food, but I really didn't want to eat or do anything but focus on the chat. Everything about it hurted.
Fajar brought up people's names a few times but he most often brought up Hamzah's. Always, always Hamzah. He kept comparing himself to him. He kept saying how I don't love him like I do with Hamzah. He kept saying how I always greet Hamzah but not him. He kept saying how it shows that I love Hamzah but when it comes to him, there's no proof at all. Well how can he get proof when he keeps comparing himself to Hamzah? He's basically implying that he wants me to treat him the same like I do with Hamzah doesn't he? He also kept saying how he's in the bottom of my list. That's not fucking true. He brings me down all the time but he's always at the top for me. I thought saying that wouldn't make a difference so I constantly searched for memories and actions in my brain that can make him realise that he's wrong. But he kept saying I'm making up reasons, that I don't love him at all, not like with Hamzah. I felt helpless. Nothing I said could convince him. So I decided to shoot back at him asking what has HE done to show he loves me, what has HE given me, 'cause I've given him a lot, nearly everything I can give to a best friend. Inside I know I didn't need to ask that 'cause I know what he's given me. I just wished he can do the same with me by realising, but he didn't.
That's when I hesitated and said the stupid L word to him, I said it like 4x [amongst other phrases though, not directly 'cause that's too embarassing] but I forgot that this year Fajar's a guy who finds actions more meaningful than words so he didn't believe my expression of affection. But when I mentioned how he doesn't love me so why should I love him, he didn't say anything at all - except once in the beginning of the chat, 'I can't love anyone'. That's when I got the picture; that he doesn't love me. The conversation went on and on and on. He constantly shoved 'you always blame me, only me, never Hamzah, never anyone else, just me' at my confused self but I couldn't say anything but 'well it is your fault'. Ya Allah... Make him understand. Towards the end of the chat we still talked about the stupid L word and blame. I don't remember what else 'cause I'm too afraid to open the log and get hurt all over again but it's basically all of the above in different versions. His PM was: why me, you still have others, im just the last of the list. so don't blame me. Finally he started to reply really slowly and I couldn't take it any longer so I decided to end the chat once and for all.
y udh deh
if u dnt wanna love me
then fine
ok bye
sorry
there
sorry
i love u
bye
if u dnt wanna love me
then fine
ok bye
sorry
there
sorry
i love u
bye
