About a Boy Named Adam

I has been tagged by the evil that is Adam

and now I have to write 10 things about him...

1. He has too much hair
2. He's a clown (Y)
3. Whenever he wants to make me laugh I don't, whenever he doesn't I do :D
4. He wears his bag high up... I think
   
5. He has more than 10 fangirls
   
6. All of his time-telling devices aren't set to the right time
7. His mobile is black and Sony Ericsson
8. He eats cereal in front of his laptop
9. He says Carisa is nicer than me
10. He didn't go to the year9 campout 'cause he was afraid he'd get surrounded by his fangirls

I'm supposed to write 10 things about myself now BUT I don't bother.

Now I tag Matar, Hamzah, Cania, Adam and Dhe3 (Y).
It would be nice if you guys do it but you don't have to.

Very Excellent Umrah IV

Let me begin this entry with a Donghae photo ['cause I've never posted one here before].

*epic drool-fest* Very handsome (Y)
I even signed up in a Chinese Donghae Forum just to get pictures of him.

Moving on...

Thursday 16th April .

So today was another 'normal' Umrah day. Well actually not, 'cause our breakfast was really bad [too much weird foreign food] and when us 3 were getting out of the elevator I acted out those open sesame gestures and when the doors opened I saw Hamzah and got embarassed but thankfully he didn't see what I did. How surprising, seeing him when I least expected it (Y). He was with his new camera and I immediately looked at its contents. He went to his room [which was exactly opposite ours but there was a huge mount of wall inbetween] and came back with Umar and Salmaniye but I didn't say anything to them at all. After a small chat, Khalid and their parents appeared and they all had to go down for breakfast. We didn't see them anymore after that. I went to Rasulullah SAW's makam thingy with Tante Cathy and Ocha and it was so full, obviously. I looked at the many women crying and thought to myself, 'I wish I can cry like them'. But I can't... I'm so lame. When we got back we were told by our parentheses that we're going to this magnet place and I'm like wth? The drive wasn't that long and the view was just mountains but I enjoyed it. When we reached a dead roundabout end I was like THAT'S IT?? But after dad went round and stopped pressing the gas or pedal or whatever driving term it is, I discovered the magnet place's wonder *___* The car was able to accelerate without his foot stepping on the pedal! Me and Ocha were like WHOAAAAAAA COOL and I think the fastest it went was 120km/h. It was even able to go BACKWARDS =P Well after that it was time for Zuhur and the day went by with another one of our game and Super Junior watching sessions.

Friday 17th April .

We returned to Qatar today, left at 9AM. When we reached Riyadh we went to this lame brand place and afterwards to a mall, I think... OMG I forgot everything... But we didn't stay long. I listened to my iPod throughout the ENTIRE trip, well I think for 6hrs or more. I actually played every single song, never skipped any like I often do. I did 2 maths past papers (Y) but didn't have time to do book exercises, oh well. We reached at 11 and I only started sleeping after we passed the Qatar border, harhar. It felt great to be home, but I missed that trip );

I CAN NOW FINALLY POST NORMAL ENTRIES!!!

Very Excellent Umrah III

Is it just me or is blogger srsly gay in Internet Explorer?

Tuesday 14th April .

I found out that we were going to Jeddah today and I was very impressed. In the morning I went to sholat in front of this Ismail place and it was so crowded. I had to Tawaf first and the heat was killing me x__x;; I slept throughout the entire trip with my iPod on kheikhe. I think. We reached the place and that's when I realised that Riyadh is way better [and has more malls]. However, Jeddah has loads of fail, like the square-shaped pillows we found in our hotel called Marriott. And apparently the hotel card said that we had the power to open doors. I'm serious. We took a picture of that thing and couldn't stop laughing. Before hoteling we went to a lame brand mall place where we saw cats and played with Ocha's face. In Marriott I was gushing over the adorable pillows and remembering all the fails we found so far bla3 when suddenly Mom got a call from the Isyna Mother and I eavesdropped and got upset at the fact they were just leaving Jeddah at that instant but then became sincerely happy at the good news which was that Hamzah finally bought his camera. I immediately smsed him but it kept failing, and I tried all day and night to send it. Soon ba'da Asar us 2 random and happy families ex. oldest daughters went round the city. I thought we were going to the biggest mall but we didn't and just saw beaches and buildings. Quite uninteresting. I was daydreaming about things. Then at late evening we went to this sort of ITC place where we saw Toko Ali Murah and Men sitting on benches were a sign clearly said were for Ladies and Children only and awesome, AWESOME Vans and Converse shoes - but they were too big for me .__. CURSE MY GENDER/MY ATTRACTION TO MALE APPAREL. I bought a calculator and discovered in Maths the week after that I'm not allowed to use it and when I saw Toko Khalid Murah as one of the store's names I CRIED LAUGHING. Cania took pictures of all these fails. After much shoe browsing [we saw a t-shirt that said 'Are you cee rius?'] we had to go back to the hotel but the trip seemed to take ages so before I slept I took those swirling lights kind of pictures.

I instantly went to bed and slept but woke up at 11 to sholat Isya and Maghrib hehe. That's when I remembered Mystery 6 which is a horror show starring Super Junior [and Donghae as the main character! (x] which we watched at Makkah. I started to imagine ghosts and those long haired spirits. Ugh I was scaring myself. When I finished praying I turned around and came face to face with a MIRROR and you know how my mukena was bright yellow? Yeah, it was white on the mirror and so I FREAKIN THOUGHT IT WAS A GHOST. Gosh, I had a heart attack. Since I was way too scared I didn't change into my PJs and just went back to bed immediately.

Wednesday . Jeddah was amusing but today we had to go to Madinah. The trip didn't take long thank God but I slept anyway xD I woke up towards the end of a trip and was still sleepy, eating Flaming Hot chips, when suddenly we landed in front of the Intercon and that's when I saw a familiar family walking closely beside our car. It was the Isynas. I will not say any embarassing things about how I felt at that stage. I could say I was a lot more awake though. I did signal talk with Hamzah concerning my sms and before they left after talking to my parents I saw Hamzah take out his phone. Ah, I thought I wasn't going to see them again but then mom told me we're in the same hotel so I believed we had a chance. We saw them in their car later when me and Cania and Ocha went to our cars to get our stuff. By the way have I told you that Turkish people disturb me? I mean like, why are all the women fat? And they all look the same. So anyway then we found out the others were in Movenpick. Our room was srsly awesome 'cause it had 3 beds and puffy pillows [but not square ones] PLUS it had a connecting door to Cania's ;D So we were able to easily transfer ourselves to each other's rooms whenever we wanna play. At night or something we finally finished watching Mystery 6 and amused ourselves with EHB afterwards. By the way, I got really obsessed with Donghae already at that point. Whenever we weren't in Cania's room me and Ocha would play my old Ice Cream Globe game... I had a good night sleep.

This Umrah tale will end in the next entry, OK?

Very Excellent Umrah II

Monday 13th April .

Well I've never stayed in Makkah for more than 2 days but we are this year so I was really bored. I didn't touch my homework, not even my bag [except when after Dad used it when he went to Gua Hira T__T I really wanted to go but Mom's like Mom so she didn't let me]. Speaking of Mom, she suddenly invited me to go down to Bin Dawood [our family laughs at that supermarket] and I was like 'With who?' and she said 'Tante Siwi' and I went 'Cuman Tante Siwi doank, ga mau' and then she said 'Ya sama anaknya lah' so I reconsidered. And decided to go. Apparently they told me Cania's doing her homework/off to the Masjid so it was just me, Ocha and Mom.

Downstairs we found Tante Tati and my hopes were sort of crushed at that point. Then after a few minutes I saw bald Iwan and Tante Siwi and... some dude next to her walking over. I was stupid and squinted and wondered Who is that? but as soon as they were a few metres in front of us I 'discovered' that it was Fajar. He had a haircut... And I think he looked more handsome and mature. If I told him this he'd say I'm lying. Anyway he just stood there as Iwan went over to me and we talked, then after 5 minutes or so Fajar came over too. We were already joking and laughing together, it was great =D They told me about how Iwan's head feels like an alien and when I used my abaya to rub my hand on it it felt SO ALIEN-Y and ick. But it was fun in a way. I also talked about my weird dream of living in a poor rock house and when I went to the bathroom I saw spiders and hit them and they turned into ceramic. I also had a dream that I played video games with Khalid and then Fajar said 'Yeah and with Adam too' and I was like wtf where'd he come from? After that we got dragged to the Hilton entrance area place and the mothers just sat down and I was like what are we doing here? so I decided to go to Nisa's room. I had to actually beg Fajar [and Iwan?] to come along with me. Well they should have been thankful they did 'cause we had a lot of fun.

Just when we reached the elevator Nisa appeared! I think Iwan called her already. I don't know how but we went in the elevator and I isengly pressed the 21st floor or 17th or something - it was the highest. When the doors opened we found a really narrow alleyway with grey walls and a red carpet with small windows and an elevator to the right end and absolutely nothing on the left... besides a door and a big window overlooking a lame view. We just hung around in there for like 15 minutes acting stupid. I forgot what we talked about but I remember something about pandas. We wanted to go back downstairs but the main elevator was SO SLOW and there was no screen thingy to show which floor the moving box is in -___-;; Therefore we just waited. However there was that other elevator and when it opened the view was of outside. I looked down through the slits between the elevator floor and the carpet and it was hella creepy. I suggested we utilise that one instead but it only went down 'til the 6th floor. I stepped back out, but when the elevator opened again I urged to go back in again too but then Fajar like, stuck his arm out in front of my abdomen to stop me from going in. Anyway, we ended up electrifying ourselves with the elevator button and each other's shirts. It was so stupid. Alas when the elevator came we were cheering, I think, and went back down, talking and enjoying ourselves, the way we should.

Andin was to be invited, apparently. I had no thoughts of the Isynas ever coming, honest. Not that I didn't want them to come, I just wasn't hoping anything. But then I saw Fajar with his phone and I asked who he was smsing and when he said Umar I perked up. I immediately told him to invite them over. I think he had a sour expression his face and said Why do you want Umar to come? but obviously I wanted to see all of them, not just Umar. Andin appeared already I think. Fajar had difficulty reaching the raging skull so I decided to sms Hamzah but it didn't send. After a while Fajar stood up and started walking away towards Bin Dawood and when I saw the faces of the Isynas I could've sworn I smiled like, naturally. Hamzah told me at school about that one day that yeah, he could see that. Anty came later too.

Well spontaneously I started blabbering away to Hamzah of course, about what he's been doing and normal stuff. We also took pictures and speaking of that, I want them. Hmmh, this was when I noticed that Fajar started to become quiet, but I quite ignored it 'cause I wanted to spend more time with Hamzah now that he finally came. After a while we decided to buy ice cream and this was when 'The Ice Cream Story' happened although I don't want to type it here. I will not forget such a memory. But amongst that scene, I remember when I asked Fajar about my ice cream and he threw his money at me and said 'Beli sendiri'. Why so cold? *say it in the Why So Serious? way* Ah, he shows his grudge towards me too explicitly. Anyhow it wasn't that long 'til the Isynas had to go home, but the others and myself went upstairs to indulge ourselves in Burger King treats. I felt really relieved.

I seriously recall ordering chicken fries but when I went to sit down and asked Fajar if he bought it and then checked in the bag myself, I didn't get one - just him and Nisa. Gosh, what was up with that dude? I didn't let it bother me though, instead, me, Nisa, Andin and Iwan had such a hilarious time talking together. The little guy was quiet the whole time. Towards the end however I noticed he was holding his phone. Suddenly I heard a voice and I turned round to find Indira and I was so glad to see her. It was nearly Zuhur though so we couldn't hang around much. Before parting I asked Fajar who he was sms-ing and he bluntly said 'Farah' and if I didn't change I would've been upset but when I heard that I was sorta surprised and kinda angry. 'Cause like, why her? Despite that, I managed to shout goodbye to him and Iwan as they walked away but only Iwan and Tante Siwi swivelled their heads.

Back at the hotel after praying, me and Ocha raided Cania's room and stayed there 'til Asar, I think, watching Super Junior khekhieke. I don't think anything interesting happened after that.

If you read this entire entry, I thank you ~

Very Excellent Umrah I

I am now going to type about my very excellent Umrah =D Obviously the entry is long, but I'm not forcing you to read all of it. Do what you want.
Friday 10th April - Friday 17th April 2009

Friday . Well I woke up with bad thoughts of yesterday but I put it aside 'cause in the car I couldn't sleep and decided to watch DBSK dramas instead 8) It wasn't until Zuhur that I stopped my iPoding, I was such a bad girl for not doing my homework when I had the chance -__-;; Since a car trip is a car trip, nothing happened at all. Oh yes I forgot to mention that only Cania was with me; Andin, Nisa and Galih were in their own ... group D: We reached Taif at Maghrib and the hotel was the one I went to last year, the one with the asylum looking place ['cause it was white inside]. I think today was the day I started to think of... ...more.

Saturday . We apparently met up with the others in that Miqat place which the weird road signs kept spelling as 'Megat' [me and Ocha continuously laughed at that]. I muttered that Labbaik thing [I forgot the proper term] throughout the hour and I was quite amazed at myself 'cause I think I slept last time and wasn't doing it properly the other 4/5x ... I am so mature now. When we reached Makkah I discovered that ONLY me and Cania were in Intercon, everyone else was in Hilton. I was srsly upset, but oh well we got nicer beds and a cooler elevator. I was hoping to be in the same hotel so we could meet easier and more often D; I didn't get to touch the Hajar Aswad this year. But I already did last year alhamdulillah 8) It was a good Umrah and I didn't get tired. I prayed about me and Fajar a LOT. But oddly enough I didn't really miss him. When that was done we ate fail!KFC 'cause they only had original chicken. So lame. By the way me and Cania kept looking around whenever we go to the Masjid just incase we see anyone, hehe.

Sunday . I don't think we did anything special today, but me, Ocha and Cania have been speculating Exploration of the Human Body. I think I started to notice Donghae from Super Junior at that point, but it wasn't extreme yet. I just thought he was cute. Oh and I believe we went to Zamzam Tower and saw Salsa, not the person I was hoping for. Or was that yesterday? The elevator scared me. Oh yeah, I also got into a habit of saying 'are you serious' 8D and I was really addicted to Sorry, Sorry - that's Ocha's fault. At night after Maghrib we found Nisa and Tante Lisna outside. We went over to her room, it was such a long and complicated way @@;; Our room was a lot better khiehkekhe.

I typed about Monday in the next entry simply 'cause it's srsly way too long to be put in here.

I Will Smile.

Hello all,

it's been a while since I blogged huh? What, nearly a month [I set this entry date to 9th April though, but it's 2nd of May now] And the last entry was so depressing. Well now that I've changed concerning the Fajar factors, I don't think you'll find such pathetic content [about him] anymore.

Stuff That Happened In the Last Week of Term 2 [05-09 April]

Despite having problems concerning the boy mentioned up there, I managed to have a decent last week. There were no activities however T~T On the 8th of April it was the Talent Show was it? When I found out Umar wasn't playing I was so sad D: Some of the people were good especially Jana's sister and Salsa and Matar and Lavinia of course. On Thursday there was a Chemistry test but it didn't feel like a test at all - we even brought the paper home LOL. Eh, what else... can't remember.

On Tuesday something so embarassing happened. I mentioned it in the depressing entry but I wanna type it in detail now. It was after school and we were talkin about DBSK and I was fawning over -insert name here-. Then Dhe3 and Cania said that you can't compare DBSK with him. After that I spontaneously said 'Bs masih suka -insert name here-' [as in, fandom] and I looked straight ahead and found the dude looking back and we locked eyes for a bit and then I got EXTREMELY embarassed. But it was so funny. Matar and Indira were there too. I told them to go to the area where the person was standing on and I repeated the phrase and they told me that they could hear me PERFECTLY. Oh shit -___-;; Well, it was memorable xD

Ah, I think sometime in the week, Wednesday was it? Afterschool Hamzah was really angry. Very irate [if that word fits into this context]. He complained about so many things very seriously and stuff. Cania was there too. I gawked and all I said about his rant was 'Whoa Hamzah is sexy when he's angry' HAHAHAHAHAHA. Or did I say cool? Hmmmh. Yeah.

Well since the Isynas were going the next day I thought I should play outside with them and I did. It was only me, Fadhli, Umar and Hamzah. Well I was with Hamzah mostly of course but they stuck around. I showed them the kids' hideouts and they were really cool. When me and Hamzah went to Ms.Dagher's garden to take pics of flowers they even followed us LOLOL. Honestly I didn't ajak anyone to go out 'cause I'm solo when it comes to playing outside now. I told Hamzah the embarassing story before we had to part~ And that was it.

I already mentioned Thursday up there but something happened at night. When I went to DnF's to mingle with Matar I had a very good time despite feeling a tad lonely beforehand. We laughed at so many things 'til our stomachs hurted and we cried [did we?]. Dhea and Matar's arts were really good 8) I then actually went over to Fajar's to say sorry to him. Ah, I was really nervous and my heart was beating so fast. I rang his bell and he opened the door and I said sorry and selamat jalan and bla3. He smiled, you know. A teeth-showing smile. Well we talked for a few minutes and I said bye and we waved and the end. I thought all would be good. Hmmh. Kinda went downhill at night. That's all.

Oh and I have to admit, I was already missing the twins. XD

and today,

I laughed very hard today.
In Chemistry, they talked about cows and fart and I'm sensitive to that word so I hid my face in my arms and laughed long and quietly like I won't tomorrow. 'Cause well, I don't prefer to.

I got embarassed today.
I made the biggest and loudest mistake ever and dwelled on its possible impacts but found the entire incident amusing.

I am sad today.
It just gets worse every hour. I don't cry, I don't complain, I don't talk to anyone about it. I keep it to myself. Just me and my heart. Which is why sometimes I can feel the knife stab better. It's a bit painful. A bit.

I realised a despairing fact today.
It's April, isn't it? The 7th of April. I have around 3 more months left to live in this country; to add more little pieces of joy into my story. I hate the way time flies. It feels like it's February, one of the best months so far this year, but it's not, it's 2 months later than that... The end is nearing... and I hate that.

I missed someone today.
And the day before and the day before that. I will miss someone tomorrow too, and the day after and the day after that...It stings when I see that particular face and knowing I'll be apart from it and my other friends for an entire week. An entire week of memory-making that will be lost...

and tomorrow,

hsfjafakjfhas
what did you say?
aidshsajhd
you didn't say that, it was like 3 syllables
i like you
what?
i like you
oh, thanks, i like you too
i like you
yeah, i know

will it be any different?

...Dreadfully.

When was the last time I made a deep entry filled with contents of this guy only? Hmmmh... 2nd of February.

It's nearly 12AM and I feel sleepy but I won't be satisfied with this day [like I ever was] 'til I blog about depressing stuff - total turn-over from the last entry. I'm disabling comments 'cause, well... I don't know... If you wanna say something about everything below then talk to me in person or start a chat, doesn't matter. When it all happened I really wanted to talk about it with someone specific but I didn't know who - so I guess a blog entry will do.

Fajar doesn't read my blog right? And anybody who does doesn't tell him about the things I type right? OK so I'll begin the chain of events.

• Thursday - 2nd.
  

It was time for Badminton and I was gonna leave 'til I saw Fajar walking away. I thought he was joining us so I called out his name 2x in order to ask and he turned around and gave me the scariest, most miserable yet icy look ever. I will always remember how his eyes glared at me when I read this paragraph. I stepped forward and continued anyway, aren't you going to badminton? and he shook his head and went. I could've ran after him but that idea never occured to me so I too turned round and, worried, decided to call him instead. Thankfully he picked up. His voice was sullen - I felt it even through my ears. First I inquired about Badminton again but then I moved on to questions about his current condition. All he said was no. Then before he hung up, he said 'I have to call Iwan'.
At home his PM said that he was 'not in the mood and may not reply' so I decided to leave him alone. I really wanted to somehow communicate with him though so I patiently waited for the movie he wanted to watch to be converted so I can put it in my USB. I thought that I should ring his house, ask for him to come out, give the USB and maybe start a conversation. I was able to conduct the plan at 8-ish and I felt normal at first but after I pressed the doorbell I was a bit nervous. He came out like 2 seconds after his dad opened the door and I lifted the USB and asked if he wanted the file but he said he got it from Hamzah already. He didn't go back in straight away but searched to the right and left of the compound several times even though it's obvious nobody's outside. While he did that I wanted to know about his report but all he said was that it's good. I said I wanted to see it but he repeated what he said. It felt awkward 'cause he was hardly looking at me so it's like I was talking to an open door. Then I tried again and asked him what's wrong; said out loud proofs of his strangeness today. He quietly pointed inside and insisted we talk about it in MSN, online, not now. I asked him why not, but he repeated what he said. Then we just looked at each other for a few seconds, I sighed, turned around and walked away without a word. I could tell he was standing there watching me leave before he went back and closed the door.
At home I waited for him to open up a window but he never did, so that's when I started to feel upset. But I had a little hope for tomorrow in Aspire and Green Guitar, maybe something will happen then. Yeah, sure Syania.

• Friday - 3rd.
  

Sometimes there's Fridays where you say Thank God, and there's ones where you say It Was Terrible. The latter seems to apply to the one I'm talking about right now.The weather fitted atmosphere of the entire day - dark, gloomy, rainy, grey.
In Aspire I watched the others play handball and simply listened to my iPod star pillow. I knew the boys were coming so I just stood there silently wishing Fajar will poke me and say something - it came true, but wrong person - Dinda I believe. Instead, when I turned round [is there another way to say that phrase?] I saw the boy heading to the carpark. I was really disappointed. He was wearing the wristband I gave him nearly a year ago, the one that I lost and kept looking for for ages, the one I thought he lost too but it was there, around his wrist. And he wore the bag I gave him for his 13th birthday, but I'm not surprised. It's like part of me was with him. I know that was cheesy but shut up, I'm a girl and I have feelings and my own cheesy moments.
I left the green wonder [the park] in total grudge mode. His PM had no relevance to what was happening in the past 2 days but I understood what it meant when I saw Tante Siwi's status - Fajar was sick [it sorta helps to have a mother's Facebook]. That made me a bit anxious to know if he was gonna go to the GG or not, and he was.
I still remember the pure embarassment I got on this supposedly good day. I went in the Tech Block alone to go to the bathroom but when I pushed the entrance doors to go back outside I discovered it was locked. I was flipping locked inside the building. At first I wanted to get out from the Boys' Bathroom window but when I stared at it it looked kinda awkward. Their toilets even stink in the weekends. I furiously called Carisa and Cania but they wouldn't pick up and I panicked. I checked my credit and there was like 2 riyals left. I called Khalid for help and he simply laughed but I didn't care. Nobody came at all. Then I smsed Hamzah but he replied in disbelief [why would I make that up man?] so when I saw him outside I called with a desperate tone. I told him that I think I was gonna cry and after he said OK OK I seriously did. Unwilling to be embarrassed even more, I quickly stopped and wiped the tears off so they will be unnoticeable when somebody rescues me. From inside I saw Hamzah talking to Parry and Warrilow and both of them walked over with Fajar, Khalid, Farah and Cania trailing behind laughing. I already felt ridiculed but Farah sort of made it worse by taking a picture when I stepped outside. The teachers joked and said that I could've been in there all weekend [if it weren't for Hamzah] and I replied awkwardly. However what made my embarrassment even worse was that Fajar was simply laughing. Not much, but he laughed. So did Khalid, but he doesn't matter. I thought: How dare you laugh at me when I was totally humiliated, and you aren't even talking to me? How could you not even comfort me? I then saw Indira and Dinda come over to me and I hugged Indira and cried a bit, shamefully. When I got inside I thanked Hamzah with pure sincerity and refused to look at Fajar. I remember turning around once to show Hamzah some Western people sitting down with a large smile on my face and I saw Fajar looking at me, I think, but I didn't look back 'cause my grin wasn't for him at all.
Why was I expecting so much from the Green Guitar? Well, ever since I begged Fajar to buy a ticket, I've been wanting to sit [when I thought we were gonna be in the field] together especially when he accused of me obviously going to be with Hamzah and leaving him [which actually did happen]. But I told him I wanted us to watch the concert together and I knew he wanted that too. After we agreed on it, I remember the next day or something he asked 'When's the Green Guitar' and I said 'Friday, how can you forget so easily' and then he said 'It shall be a good day'. On the actual day though nothing of what we wished for happened at all, and we never even breathed the same air in those 2 hours. Except in the car. Sure I had fun with Hamzah and Cania but I wanted the special memory to last with him. Just like in Bowling, Ghaza Day, Sekompond nights... It's just not fair how the previous willingness of our hearts went to waste. It didn't seem like it when we reached the compound but I was in fact really upset.

• Saturday - 4th.

The source of what makes April fucked up, so far, and hopefully just it. Which reminds me, what's gonna happen when we Umrah? Will we make up beforehand so we can SMS each other throughout the entire week in which we will be separated? The thought of that [SMSing and not having him around for a week] stings me a lot. I remember when I umrahed last year in March and he was in Kuwait and when I came home he put in his PM 'Welcome back Bs' - padahal dia masih di Kuwait xD Such an idiot...
KAIFA was a drag as usual and when we collected by the stairs I noticed Fajar wasn't there. As much as I was sort of grudging him and still sad, I got the nerve to ask Iwan of his whereabouts - he said he was sick. The boy healed before the GG 'cause he got a shot but now it's back again and I must admit I cared. When I got home he wasn't online so I waited 'til he did, to say get well. I wanted to be the good person - specially after hearing the Kiamat stuff we learnt in that KAIFA session. Finally after a few hours or less he appeared and I said what I had - and wanted to. All he replied was thanks, and I was baffled he didn't even mention anything about the past few days. So I brought the topic up lightly.
However we're both hard-headed, I'm always blaming him, he's never taking my words in and shooting things back at me, I'm always so sensitive and he was dizzy, tired and sick so the chat went downhill. I made his illness worse but I was honestly being evil and thinking he deserved it, and didn't care. He went offline after screaming what I've done to his condition and then I realised my head felt hot but I was shivering like mad everywhere else. It wasn't cold so I didn't know why. After half an hour or so he went online again and we continued the argument. I can't bear to open the chat log, despite it being the highest so far with 598KB. The beginning is filled with normality and happiness but I know that anger, pain and sadness made up 3/4 of the rest. I was eating curly fries as we chatted but suddenly I lost my appetite and gave the plate to Ocha. That was my first time rejecting the food, but I really didn't want to eat or do anything but focus on the chat. Everything about it hurted.
Fajar brought up people's names a few times but he most often brought up Hamzah's. Always, always Hamzah. He kept comparing himself to him. He kept saying how I don't love him like I do with Hamzah. He kept saying how I always greet Hamzah but not him. He kept saying how it shows that I love Hamzah but when it comes to him, there's no proof at all. Well how can he get proof when he keeps comparing himself to Hamzah? He's basically implying that he wants me to treat him the same like I do with Hamzah doesn't he? He also kept saying how he's in the bottom of my list. That's not fucking true. He brings me down all the time but he's always at the top for me. I thought saying that wouldn't make a difference so I constantly searched for memories and actions in my brain that can make him realise that he's wrong. But he kept saying I'm making up reasons, that I don't love him at all, not like with Hamzah. I felt helpless. Nothing I said could convince him. So I decided to shoot back at him asking what has HE done to show he loves me, what has HE given me, 'cause I've given him a lot, nearly everything I can give to a best friend. Inside I know I didn't need to ask that 'cause I know what he's given me. I just wished he can do the same with me by realising, but he didn't.
That's when I hesitated and said the stupid L word to him, I said it like 4x [amongst other phrases though, not directly 'cause that's too embarassing] but I forgot that this year Fajar's a guy who finds actions more meaningful than words so he didn't believe my expression of affection. But when I mentioned how he doesn't love me so why should I love him, he didn't say anything at all - except once in the beginning of the chat, 'I can't love anyone'. That's when I got the picture; that he doesn't love me. The conversation went on and on and on. He constantly shoved 'you always blame me, only me, never Hamzah, never anyone else, just me' at my confused self but I couldn't say anything but 'well it is your fault'. Ya Allah... Make him understand. Towards the end of the chat we still talked about the stupid L word and blame. I don't remember what else 'cause I'm too afraid to open the log and get hurt all over again but it's basically all of the above in different versions. His PM was: why me, you still have others, im just the last of the list. so don't blame me. Finally he started to reply really slowly and I couldn't take it any longer so I decided to end the chat once and for all.

y udh deh
if u dnt wanna love me
then fine
ok bye

sorry
there
sorry
i love u
bye

Let's Begin April...

Most of my pictures were blurry -__-;;

Well, so far my prayers haven't been answered. April is a total mess - hurt/sadness mixed with happiness here and there. At least I wasn't RAGING though. I find that worse. This entry talks about the more joyful things. Depressed one later.

I could've sworn there was something memorable in Chemistry on Wednesday the 1st but I can't remember anymore .__. I was talking to Hamzah after-school as usual and Fajar saw that and popped in next to him and then we finally had a casual talk - bet he was jealous. I was forced to go to Maths 'cause I suck at Chapter 10 and Griffin wanted me to be there. I sat on the same table with Haya, Lara and Ahmed Almeer, and he helped me with some of the questions. He's such a friendly guy. The ones that went home at 2 was only me and Umar *toeng. He was still inside the Masjid when I reached and didn't come out 'til the car came .__. Inside, I was already wearing my seatbelt and eating pizza; I watched Umar walk out of the gate when I saw this flick of white and Umar started bending down and bustling about. Then me and Tante Ita found out that his papers were flying due to the intense wind and I realised the flick of white was one of them. Since I was eating pizza it took me a while to run out of the car and chase his paper, but tante Ita beat me to it. Oh yeah, when one of the sheets was flying, Umar jumped a little to catch it and it was SO DAMN CUTE.

Thursday was major lol. In Physics there was some joke going around about somebody farting and even the windows were opened. In Chemistry we tried to pull the prank on Parry but he didn't fall for it at all! Yacout sat on the whoopee cushion and it BROKE and I laughed so hard even Jozali told him about it, mentioning my name. Abdellah used tape to fix it XD Then suddenly Akkad and Abbas started making farting noises with their ARMS and OMG you wouldn't believe how hard we ALL laughed. 'Cept Doniaji [he is immune to the class' stupidity]. And Fathy and Almeer, I think. I even cried 'cause of all that and laughed for more than 3 minutes. Ah, good times, good times. After school I had Badminton and it was so sepi o-o Some Yr12 dudes came in randomly to watch us and play a bit. I sucked and got tired easily and kept watching Hamzah's twin brother TEEHEE. That's basically it.

There was the Green Guitar on Friday but I no longer anticipated it; reasons can be found in the depressed entry [D.E.] next. Well in the morning at Aspire it awesomely rained and I loved it so much but I got really wet [and that sounds wrong]. Me and Indira walked together around the park and trespassed in the construction area of the extended lake *-* Umar with wet hair is kinda weird - Hamzah's too. At home I did lame lonely laptop stuff but at around 3 I went outside just to cool off. I also FINALLY rode a bike [it was tiring though]; for the past week I've been too chicken - I was afraid of falling... Haha.
GG was great! =D I had more fun than I expected, which wasn't much. Something extremely embarassing happened but that will also be put in the D.E. In the first few performances I just stood next to Cania and Indira and watched and furiously took pictures but when the unknown people came I stopped. I ate 3 pizzas and was able to converse with Hamzah 'cause he was behind us, despite him mentioning how he wasn't supposed to mingle. The Arab singer with the 'noodle hair' [as Fajar later said in the car] was horrible and I have no idea why his mates accepted him. I sometimes looked for aho-ushi even though we weren't talking. I was worried about praying so me, Cania and Hamzah decided to rush to the Masjid together - and it started raining! Some men at the gate told us about how women aren't allowed to pray in there but we did anyway. It was so dark and scary. We speed-walked back [and I was way faster than you OK Hamzah] but I got to enjoy the pouring water too. When we came back it was near the end and they FINALLY had good vocals. But a smaller audience. Overall it was a fun night and I thank Hamzah and Cania for mingling with me throughout (:
The car was really full. OK anyway after that me and Carisa went to my house and we had such a hilarious time. Mostly 'cause of Lovin' You, The Wonders of Eyes, US Presidents and Hamzah pictures. My body was aching and all the energy I carried drained out 'cause of it so when I went to DnF's I slept on the couch for a while before deciding to go home and fall into the bed. I haven't slept at 10pm in a looooong time. I woke up in the darkness and my stomach was dying so I traveled to the toilet, looked at my watch and found out it was 12:55AM. WHOAAA I ****TED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!

Saturday was awful. Just wait for the next entry if you wanna know the sheer misery I felt.