Let's End March Beautifully

Really funny things happened on Monday but I forgot already, of course. It was our last time doing Primary for this term and the weather was really nice and windy so my eyecandy was at its maximum potential. Me, Dhea and Hamzah walked to the Masjid together and had to wait for quite a long time there. Me and Hamzah [sorta?] were attracted to this dumped mattress and bounced on it LOLOL. Plus, when he stepped out of the Masjid sunlight suddenly shone on him and it was so funnay.
The Isyna parents were there so I couldn't talk with Hamzah like usual [he was sitting behind me]. I just listened to my iPod. Suddenly something appeared on my right and I found Hamzah's hand holding folded tissue. I took it and was literally dumbfounded [I had no idea what to do with it], but then realised I was supposed to open it and found a message inside. I wrote back and returned it to him. I could hear the sound of his pen scribbling away inside that extremely quiet car. I would get a bit surprised everytime the tissue pops out signaling reply xD We did it all in secrecy ;O

Sadly he started this a bit late so the tissue wasn't filled. Towards the end I wrote a last message and he did too, saying to 'blog this kay'. So I did =D I kept this sacred white cloth of course. When I was doing that tissue-passing I remembered that last year we [OMG I'M HAVING SUCH TROUBLE TYPING THIS UP 'CAUSE IM LISTENING TO DBSK LOL] used my scrap paper to send messages to each other in Tante Lisna's car - the stupid thing was we sat BESIDE EACH OTHER XD. When I got home I rummaged through my Memory Box and found that 1-year-old paper. Shockingly, we did that on the 18th of March 2008 0.0 And now we do another one [shorter but more bizzare] on the 30th of March 2009! Tres cool. Too bad there won't be a 2010 ._.

Today was hilarious [well after-school wasn't amusing though]. Me and Jana kept laughing 'cause she made up stupid songs as we were doing questions. One of them's to do with insanity xD Oh yeah, before the lesson started we saw this ENORMOUS inflated beach-ball globe and I asked O'neil if I could play with it LOL. Then he told me to put it in the back of Lab 1 so me, Jana and Haya were all scrambling to touch that thing as we walked to Tech Block. I sang 'I got the whole world in my hands' and when Majd passed by she sang it too LOL. Chemistry had its funny times DUH but I never remember. Oh yeah, Head Boy is such a gentleman. When I wanted to enter the Maths class, he who was in front of me noticed that so he stood next to the door allowing me to go inside first. SUCH A GENTLEMAN.

At home I realised I had no homework for tomorrow ['cept Maths but there's a point in free lesson right?] so I just did my typical laptop drill. I didn't go online in MSN for some reason so Fajar decided to look for me in Facebook and started a chat. Oh my God, it was the most dramatic chat we've had this month [and we did the entire thing in Facebook]. It involved hatred, caps lock, care, cool and happiness. Ah, I don't wanna go into more details 'cause Fajar hates it when I reveal our conversations [Has strong urge to copy+paste parts but is resisting]. He always uses Hamzah as a way to prove his points, you know? Hamzah I think you already know that, haha.
However, that log meant nearly everything to me from this month T^T Yeah, March had nothin' special. My highest chat log is only 3.27MB [with Hamzah] then 2.96 [with Carisa] then 2.50 [with Cania] then 1.82 [with Fajar] and usually it's 6MB! Ugh. Basically I felt lonely online, but in real life I was hardly like that. This was the month I started to love DBSK! 8D And undergo fangirling overload of it. Plus I think I stopped being so sentimental and negative for sure 0.0 Isn't that great? In March's 1st entry I prayed to God it will be happier and I guess it is! Despite the silent-distance of course... But I learnt to overcome it anyway. Alhamdulillah~

Let's welcome April!
Last year's was one of the best months of 2008 I've ever had so I hope this year is too... Amin.

Previously On...

Oh it's been 5 days since I've blogged o=
Well nothing's been happening lately so I have no idea what to type about 0.0
School is amusing but on Thursday I saw Griffin in like my free lesson, Physics and even VILLAGGIO [in which I bought an iPod and a new watch yay =D]. He's such a stalker.
My DBSK fandom is still running smoothly of course.
On Saturday it rained and it was so epic. I has pictures in Facebook and Flickr so go see 'em. I talked with Fajar and he started it but unlike usual no special feeling bubbled inside me. It was just normal. I wish it rains again ToT
Well today was the usual but something different happened which was that Fajar started a chat [what I think of his looks still matter to him o__O;;] and after a while we started talking about our friendship again... Guess what? Turns out when I agreed to the breaking of our bestfriendship Fajar actually wanted me to force him to continue being best friends. But I didn't. Does that make sense? He said if I forced him that meant I care about him. Wow, he still thinks of me like that.

Wednesday
Fajar: I don't want us to be best friends anymore
Me: OK sure if that's what you want

Today
Fajar: I need to find a new person to tell my feelings to
Me: Why do you need a new one?
Fajar: 'Cause you're not my best friend anymore
Me: Well you're the one that didn't wanna be. I thought if I forced you you'd hate me.
Fajar: It's better if you force me, that means you care about me... But you just agreed.
Me: I didn't know... I thought it's what you wanted

THAT SCRIPT WAS HALF MADE-UP BUT IT'S THE GENERAL IDEA OF THE ABOVE ENTRY.

Just now
|× b i.es - 3 9 days says:
fajar do u wanna be my best friend ? =D
| . F a j a r . K u n . - of My Unlimited Hopes says:
SURE =D

We Give Up

This was the drawing I tried so hard not to let anyone see until the actual person did. Now that it's in his hands, I can finally show you guys.

Newsflash people, I decided to stop trying to reach him and gave the drawing to Adam instead to give to Fajar [LOL he's my messenger]. It was easier to do and no failure guaranteed.

I just got my reply around 10 minutes ago.

We started calling each other best friends since the 15th of April 2008 and glued ever since. But then somewhere in October/September I broke off the bestfriendship with him 'cause we kept fighting. Only somehow... We returned the status in November. And now, March 2009, he calls the quits. I was just best friends with him for less than a year but it felt like more than that. It felt longer.

Well, to sum it up we're not best friends anymore, just friends. Maybe even less than that. When we 'break up', Fajar never really seems to appreciate being my best friend. So there won't be anymore special Bs Fajar moments for us. No more, say, 'happiest memories'. 'Cause well, that's what we got from each other. I'm just extremely thankful Allah ever gave me such times with him. No other girl in this country was given the oppurtunity, yes?

I've heard people say we fit or we somehow belong together [not in that way, duh]. Well only God knows about that so I'll just keep walking now... Not necessarily moving on completely no, I'll be aware just incase something MIGHT happen. However all this makes me realise how much I wanna thank all the friends who are currently around me, thank you guys so much :) Without you I won't be laughing or fangirling or talking or acting stupid.

Is this the pain for being so glad I have him, or so sad 'cause I 'lost' you? I'll never know.
I'll just do my maths h/w and watch DBSK after this.

Soul Fighter

Photos courtesy of DongBanged! (:

Oh yes it does Jaejoong ;) HE'S SO HOT AND SEXYYYY~~~~ *dies*


Bullying poor innocent young Changmin ):


YUNHO POTTA.

I feel bad for not updating my DBSK photos folder yet for the past what, 3/4 days? I heard some LJ DBSK fans got like over 15000 pics of them... I'm ashamed to have so little compared. Anyway instead of browsing photos I kept watching videos... Look at my Youtube favourites [holy crap more than 500] to get a glimpse of my obsession. These guys are my drugs.. x___x;; I even slept at like 1AM this morning just 'cause I was too busy seeing different versions of Mirotic and Rising Sun in concert LOLOL. My parents complained and told me to sleep earlier. Gotta get a hold of myself, I need to do major Maths h/w for Wednesday and Thursday.

Why haven't people been blogging? It's been nearly 3 days since anyone posted. That's why I decided to... Even though I had no idea what to type. Well now I do, sort of. I got my Chemistry mark today - 50% - D -__-;; Wtf that isn't an improvement AT ALL. 1st E, then U, then D? God, I expected a C. I thought I did quite good but oh well. I hope my final Unit 2 test won't be as bad as this... amin ['sides, I'll study harder by then].

Operation show-Fajar-my-drawing keeps backfiring. Time is still not on my side. It's been exactly 2 weeks since the Walk-a-Thon, the day everything changed. Tomorrow will be the first time we don't talk to each other for more than 2 weeks due to a silent-distance. The last time was somewhere in November I think, we didn't talk for exactly 2 weeks and I thought that was the longest time we were ever ignoring each other but look at us now. I remember we made up when I put in my PM 'are we still fighting?' and then he put 'i dunno' in his and suddenly we started chatting. Why can't it be like that now? *Sigh*.

I'm sure he's doing alright without me, like myself... But I wonder how he's feeling? You're still my best friend, OK man? It's not over yet... or at all, 'til I try! :D I hope my friends and especially God will support me, amin.

Rotten & Puking

Title taken from a DBSK video of Changmin VS. Junsu, it's so funnay. Must watch.

I told Nisa I was going to sleep but then after closing messenger felt like blogging so here I am now =D Not bothered to decorate post with extreme Bolds and Italics.
Let's see, on Thursday my plan to talk to Fajar failed but I sort of put that aside 'cause there's more time this weekend. My Chemistry test was way easier than the previous ones and I hope for a C or up :) We watched Race to Witch Mountain and it was cool, my favourite character was the UFO. Well, it wasn't as WOW as I thought it would be though. We went home a little too early in my opinion, 4pm, I still wanted to window shop but couldn't be bothered to ask my parents to pick me up later. At home I massive DBSKed I think...

Me:- OMG look at him! His awesomeness... IT'S EXPOSED! *makes dramatic flailing gestures*
Ifa [at Indira]:- She needs a boyfriend.
Us:- LOOOOOOOOOOOOL! XD

So, Friday... very blah. Like a normal no-event Friday [but when there is one it's awesome]. I thought people would come early today so I went to Aspire at 7AM. But it wasn't 'til 8:30 that others started to roll in, I saw Hamzah at 8 after walking around alone listening to music and then lying on the grass reading a book. It was so boring.
Pictures can describe what happened... So I'll just say that I failed to show Fajar the drawing... for the 4th time this week. Or was it 3? He was standing alone once and I could've spoken up but... *Sigh*. I didn't. He looked too happy and I could be the one to make him angry );
From the time we went home [10:30] 'til about 4:30, I looked for DBSK photos and then watched their videos. LOL I'm so obsessed - but they're really entertaining, funny and cute people. You can't take your eyes off of them :) Just like Hamzah's twin brother. *gets shot* Nisa suddenly rang so I finished a clip and went out.
First thing I noticed was that there were 5 boys in the court and they were so SHORT so I thought they were kids and wondered who they were. But when I got closer... IT WAS THE FREAKIN ISYNAS [and Fadhli, I recognised him]! THEY CUT THEIR HAAAAAAAAIR! I was bewildered, shocked, gaping. Now how will Umar do his awesome hair-flicking? ): I like it better long. 2nd thing I noticed was that Fajar wasn't there. Hmmh, how untypical.
So from that time 'til 6, we just hung about in front of DnF's doing nothing much besides riding a bike, eating marshmallow-flavoured popcorn and talk. The Musthofa pedal-driven recreational vehicle broke down 'cause of Umar [which everyone thought was Salmaniye at first] and we spent around 20 minutes trying to fix it. When I was beside it, Umar came and sat across me, then I looked at him several times and realised Hey, you still look handsome even with that haircut. OK I sound so stupid but it's true.
I didn't feel like playing outside so I indulged myself in Dong Bang Shin Ki entertainment and chatting... with Hamzah only. I furiously wondered where my ex?-best friend was and found the answer later when he said he got a new iPod. Well, nothing else happened. Tomorrow in KAIFA I'm gonna try again...

Random Thoughts [copying Hamzah]

In KAIFA I think I learnt about how men marry women who they can comfortably talk to, about anything, and not because of fun or something like that. For some reason that statement keeps popping in my head every once in a while recently. o___O;;

I'm paranoid 'cause I keep checking my weight -___- Still 52kg... DAMMIT!

My laptop breathed the entire day today. Non-stop HHHHHHH sounds were emitted and it made me feel desperate to get a new laptop. I uninstalled programs, deleted loads of stuff and restarted 2x but they didn't work.

I found this Godly website: http://dbskarchives.blogspot.com/ of everything DBSK. I'm gonna devote every single day to downloading every single thing in there.

Seeing that moving to Colorado is 80% likely, I tend to think about what my life would be like. I imagine myself walking around the town, feeling the snow and taking in the mountainous scenery. I think about how I can lie down on the green grass and just listen to music.

When I go to Indonesia I am totally gonna buy DBSK DVDs and other merchandises of theirs. Oh yeah, I'm going to that country earlier, before my parents. My mom suggested I join Tante Siwi and well, if circumstances were on our side I would've agreed but it isn't so I just shrugged... It would be lying if I said I didn't want to x___x;;

I imagined what it would be like if I do go with him to Indo, we'd... talk... look around the Duty Free together... maybe even sit next to each other in the plane? and he could probably be the last person to see me too. We'd have an Anime-style ending, dramatic and all in the airport, a Taxi waiting for me signalling parting and us waving goodbye. But right now it feels like we've already done that scene long before the actual time... Gosh, I daydream a lot don't I?

Last thought, I haven't eaten ice cream in 2 days.

Smile & Laugh

AAAAAAAA LOOK AT CHANGMIN YA YA? LOOK AT HIM *_______* He's the one in the inner corners of all 4 pictures... HE'S SO CUTE WITH A HAT! From an interview I learnt that his favourite accessory is a hat.. GYAAA! Even though he does look better in videos than pictures but still... I love you Changmin lalala~
IMAGE CREDIT!

Well, the reason I haven't been blogging properly is 'cause I'm hardly in the mood anymore so yes, there is no International Award entry I'm afraid to say. 'Sides, there's not much to talk about either... Abid's group had all the fun -__-;;

Last Wednesday I had music club, in the Masjid I talked with Hamzah from like 2:15 to 2:45pm, waiting for Om Hanif. We talked about teachers and comics and other stuff, it feels so good to be able to talk to a guy like that :) I thought it was a good sort of 'parting' memory 'cause the next day I had IA. In the car however I surprisingly had to sit next to Fajar and it felt dreadful. You know what, I was drawing a picture of him 'cause he asked abt it last last Sunday and I rushed to finish it so I can show him before I left the car... But the plan backfired, I couldn't let out the voice to say, 'I drew you, wanna see?' Padahal if I did things would be different.

Changmin with glasses 8D Megane ouji; Glasses prince ;D

This week had more ups than downs and I'm really glad to know that I am fine without Fajar, but not necessarily better off. The circumstances may vary for him though and according to my analysis I think he is better off. Anyhow funny stuff happened in school hours but I honestly can't remember anything 'cause I have a bad memory... But Yacout is so gullible and hilarious xD School was always happy and laughable for me but when I get home my mood always switches to a nostalgic, sentimental one. D: Farah's birthday was on Tuesday, it was biasa2 aja to me and I enjoyed watching you-know-who, hehe. I found out that they played cards after I left and got pissed off at ahoushi who seemingly showed off. Hurray for videos.

HAHAHA WTF IS YOOCHUN [2nd from left] AND CHANGMIN'S HAIRCUT HAHA srsly why can't Changmin keep his hair in ONE STYLE already?! I like his hair not too short [like how it is now] and not too long [like up there and years ago].

Today I had a plan, which was to show Fajar the drawing I did of him. I mean, what have I got to lose? The script was planned out and all I had to do was find the chance to walk up to him - and there was one right after school, where me and Dhe3 noticed how that boy was standing all alone whereas Umar was mingling with schoolmates. Honestly, I liked seeing him alone. It was the perfect chance you know, but apparently my bag was left in Lab 1 'cause I was supposed to have a test at 1pm but due to the boys' wailing Parry changed it to tomorrow, so he just stood there with no one for 15 minutes, padahal I could've been there beside him. My mom told me I was going home with him and I was like Oh shit, I really didn't want to. In the car Tante Siwi kept offering me food... pizza... and I felt really uncomfortable 'cause I constantly rejected... Don't ask. I had another plan at that moment, which was to sms Fajar 'I drew a picture of you, wanna see?' and see what he replies. But after I finished typing it and clicked his name, I paused before pressing Send. For 5 seconds... 10 seconds... Well, you guessed it, I decided not to. I left the car saying Makasih Tante, Iwan, Fajar, but I'm sure he didn't hear 'cause he was listening to music.

OH HAEY LOOK Jaejoong is wearing a shirt with MY NAME on it LOLZ.

I was meant to be studying for Chemistry but I watched Exploration of the Human Body feat. DBSK instead [God it was so funny and Changmin made me melt], though right when I suddenly had the will to open my books, which was at uhh, 10? my Dad started to lecture me and ordered me to sit on the dining table. He asked this and that and then it came to the time when I told him I had problems... I wouldn't tell him what, so he decided to call my Mom over and God, it was like 10:15... I didn't wanna talk about this at all, let alone at 10:15. Well, you guessed it again, I finally told my parents about my friendship problems with Fajar... not all the stories, just the sort of basic idea and a bit of what happened in our what, 17th silent distance? It felt weird telling my parents something like that for the first time in my life but the only unreassuring thing they did was call Fajar a kid, which my dad kept lightly chuckling at. Well I can't blame them, everyone thinks he's a kid except me. I know him better than everyone else *confident*. Don't know about now though 'cause his Facebook status is like 'I have lost myself. This isn't the Me that you know. he's somewhere else', what the fak does that mean?

HAHAHHA GA COCOK BANGET HAHA

Well tomorrow I've got plans which I don't know will apply to me or not so let's just see. I also wanna try talking to Fajar again... he's got to see the drawing, seriously. I think it's nice. So well, I hope tomorrow brings no pain and maybe no more fights. Amin. Whatever reply I get from him determines whether I shall leave him forever or stay a lot longer...

My eyes hurt from all that crying

1095 Pages

Felt like typing something profound, sok-metaphorical and perhaps way more implicit than usual. Could've been longer but I ran out of ideas.

It wasn't even 1095 pages yet but it felt like they've known each other for longer than 5 novels, thought the words and papers would keep turning, but they don't.

Book 1

She wasn't interested, she was shy, he was neutral, he was young. It didn't take long for her to like him enough to give him a birthday present. There was a trait about the new neighbour that destiny has planned in order for them to form something special. It was only the second chapter. They grew fond of each other as time went by; but before you know it both of them were already having an argument - it was in May or April, she can't remember, but it was a childish reason. They didn't want to watch the same movie.
Each were in love with another person but that didn't stop them from maintaining a bond. She was the one he chose, but she never found him that valuable yet.

Book 2

When did she? It was a new book, and it started with fresh contradiction. The first misunderstanding. And it wasn't even 365 pages. A little shout here, a little sorry there, a bit of rejection, a mass of tears; keep flipping, oh look they're already happy.
Maybe she finally realised his importance after a significant amount of sheets. Why is it with immature fights? Why in occassions where all is unrewriteable? He blamed her for everything, and she tried to pull him back, although this proved her to be a failure. But he returned, so the numbers continue to increase.
They came back from summer vacation. For more than two months she felt fine without him around. It was a new chapter, which started off with an unpleasant spark, none of which she intended to light up. He finally learnt to say sorry and all goes well 'til the end of this book.

Book 3

He told her he felt for someone else more than her, but she didn't mind. Instead she supported him all the way, reminding herself that she too has someone she finds immensely more golden than him.
However, still at the beginning, a sheet of paper burns up with a heated fight that haunted her for the first time; a real reason to cry, a mature reason to dispute - feelings. Paragraphs after that never align the same anymore.
He gave them a name that should have been brought up since the first time they met. As if her own mother said the words, she lived by it, and died halfway. More and more confessions, rambles and rants filled the lines chapter by chapter. How can such a beautiful term be wrecked so soon? After 730 pages, probably 400 later than him, she finally, truly realised what he was to her.
There's still a large part left in the book nevertheless. Summer felt different this time. When she looked back through the thickness, she couldn't help but to ponder at how much they've grown. How much have happened.
The end is nearing; and life rips them up to pieces but they endured through all the pain and suffering and managed to quickly continue a fresh sheet together. They could highlight all the disputes, label all the mean remarks, indicate all the constant silent distances in such short chapters, but they could never close that book.

Book 4

Until. Love and jealousy became fragile, destructible. She was inable to support him anymore, but thought that with her sacrifice, her promises; he thought that with his words, his attention, the sentences would flow corrected once more. Four chapters went well before the fifth saw the sorrow. She didn't want stupid things to get in the way of this supposedly never-ending tale. He didn't want minor things to get in the way of their supposedly ever-lasting chain. They wanted to believe. But the sixth, seventh, eight, ninth, tenth chapters weren't right.
There are still hundreds of pages left before the book ends, but they shall remain empty unless someone opens it up and starts to write the continuation.
He thinks it's his apology, she thinks it's how he left her.

So for now, and perhaps maybe forever, the story has ended.

Shim Changmin <3

MULTI-COLOURED CHANGMIN AWESOMENESS

Hello everyone I got back from IA today at 12:30pm and I feel fine [physically, not mentally OR emotionally] now, but too tired to do my h/w [which is just basically copying and pasting things in Microsoft Frontpage, but it takes FOREVER]. Anyway I'll talk about it later when I get the photos from Hamzah's camera, so for now I shall post about Shim Changmin, the awesome young cute hottie from DBSK 8D I've never fangirled an Asian celebrity before you know so this is a first HAHA XD *well except Ryo from NEWS but that wasn't much.

Look at the photos up there ^ Isn't he so damn cuuute? And look at his innocent smile! He's 21 you know, born on the 18th of February 1988 ohmyGod so hip and young. I discovered his awesomeness from this vid --v

He appears significantly wonderful at 1:11, 1:26 [well basically everytime he screams No], 2:48, 2:50, 3:16-3:19, 3:22, 4:15 [his AAA is so AAAA], 4:19-4:20 [OMG HIS POSE], 4:45 [OMG HIS SMILE] and 4:52-4:53 LOL

HE'S SO COOOOOOOOOL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I WANT HIS HAIR LIKE THAT FOREVER. By the way I think Jaejoong [2:00] is quite cool too. Just not as much. MD's the one that showed it to me, like, 4 months ago or something but I just opened it 5 days ago HAHAHA. I didn't notice Changmin at first but when I repeated it I was amazed by his smile and face and scream [yes, scream] so I kept watching it over and over again. I even put it in my phone. And started collecting pictures. I'm on like 150 out of a 310 page album of DBSK lalalala~

But but look at his hair back then, when it was long.

AHAAHAHAHAHAH JELEK BANGET SIIIIIIH HAAHAHAH XDXDX HE LOOKS LIKE AN INDONESIAN PREMAN WAKAKAKAK XDXD I shall forgive him though 'cause he was probably 19 or whatever, still angelic, less mature than the others and so unaware of style.

LOL that's basically all I wanna rant. I've gotta force myself to do ICT h/w sooner or later, hmmh. IA entry kambing soon! :D *hopefully it won't be lengthy either.

Walk-A-Lone

Sincere smiles; True happiness
No bold or italics in this entry peoples, since I ain't bothered to decorate [the entry is too long].

Well I know one of you is curious about my Walk-A-Thon experience. I shall start off by saying that I did a Chemistry re-test 1st thing in the morning and I totally failed it 'cause I skipped a 5-mark question and messed up everything else. I wasn't alone though 'cause in Physics I heard Akkad discussing his difficulties. In the early morning I got attracted to what Fajar was wearing. But then it disappeared when I saw Umar on my way to the assembly; dayum he wore a kemeja too HIEK HIEK. Red is such a fitting colour for him.

I was gonna cry when I heard that we were separated into groups, and could've mental-breakdowned knowing I wasn't with anyone from my square. I was most sad that I couldn't walk with Hamzah, 'cause walking with Fajar was sort of impossible at that time, and Matar was with her friends anyway. I ended up bumping into Anty 'til the back gate, talking 'bout my woes and disappointment. I found my classmates and went over to them but we were meant to be at the front so we made our way there. Turned out Fajar and Khalid were behind us, but I wasn't expecting anything good to happen.

After about 15 minutes we finally WALKED; as everyone scattered and stuff I came to notice that Matar wasn't too far behind me, Head Boy was at 2 o'clock, Adam was right in front and Fajar was at 8 o'clock. Not a very bad arrangement. Except that I saw Bowlingball Head [the guy wearing a hideous green] EVERYWHERE. I sort of talked to my classmates at first but then I wanted Matar to be with me so I apologetically dragged her away from her homies and we rushed to the front in order to be around the people we know 'cause waiting for her slowed us down. Dhe3 suddenly appeared and I don't know how but we talked about certain stuff. At the Rainbow Roundabout people were all gathered and when I saw Umar I squealed, but when I saw Hamzah I became utterly relieved and started to feel fine. I invited that boy to walk with us and we did, of course.

I talked with Hamzah at first - Fajar moved towards him right then I think - but afterwards continued my in-depth conversation with Dhe3. I sort of looked back and found Fajar talking next to Hamzah and Carisa, I think, but I ignored that. His voice seemed to smile, though. We kept walking and I am serious, I did NOT pay attention to where we were going - I only remember the places that I recorded. I'm sure Fajar poked me and said Hello but I was too busy with the Tree to reply so I think he said 'See she's not answering' to Hamzah/Carisa. Those 3 looked like they were having fun so I couldn't care less but to leave him be, although when our 'F**king Dickhead' discussion was over I decided to speak up.

It was a weird way to start - I grabbed his shoulder, pointed at the guy I hate and said 'Hey Fajar, you wanna see BB Head?' - but it worked, 'cause he replied that he already knows and we began to talk naturally. I occasionally mentioned how someone should call Umar over, but I immediately paid my attention to Fajar, Hamzah who was muttering stuff at me was sort of ignored even - but I still heard and replied him a bit. He's an inaudible person anyway. Carisa mingled with Dhe3. As the walk grew more hundred metres, Adam and Dhea and Andin and Iwan and Abid began catching up. Everything felt right - I finally got to walk with Fajar, something I've been planning to do since I heard of a Walk-A-Thon - nothing could get better than that. But I forgot what we talked about.

Even though it grew hot I was having a satisfied amount of fun. Cania started to appear but I was still in my own little joyful world with my most problematic best friend and Hamzah tended to visit too. I sort of fangirled the Head Boy so Fajar was like 'Bla3 -insert his real name here-' OUT LOUD and I was raging and hitting him 'cause when I turned around ONE OF MY CLASSMATES was there! Imagine if she really heard! Sorry I forgot what Fajar said. We suddenly talked about us being elements [apparently C, F and H discussed this previously], Fajar told me to be Potassium ['cause I'm reactive?], I suggested Umar to be Uranium [which Hamzah thought was pee -__-;;] and Hamzah was supposedly Hydrogen 'cause it's alone and emo [I was meant to be that first]. Before Fajar became Carbon, he was Oxygen - he changed 'cause Johnson was wearing an O2 shirt so that boy said something like J stealing Oxygen so he'll be something else - and since he was Oxygen and Hamzah was Hydrogen, he said to him 'Hey Hamzah, do you want to chemical reaction with me?' and we started to freaking laugh our butts off. I mean, what kind of stupid question is that! xD It was hilarious.

We continued walking and Hamzah moved on to Cania and the other girls, for he is Ladies' Man. Me and Fajar saw Doniaji walking alone at the front - I recorded that poor guy and Fajar screamed 'HEY EMO!' and I was scolding him but laughing. I was really happy and I know he was too. After more chit-chat, we reached the Water Drop. The fucking water drop. Things started to turn upside down after we reached that place. For one, Adam and Umar joined us then, and Dhia too. Well we started again but I was with Hamzah this time, admiring Umar from behind and watching he, Fajar, Adam and Carisa walking, conversing, together in a line. It was fine at first. But as time passed and the number of steps increased I realised what was happening and my heart took it in. Once I wanted to say something to Hamzah but his pace was comparable to a dead lizard so I said 'Hamzah walk faster!' and Adam went 'Yeah Syania, walk faster' or whatever and I laughed, then Fajar went over to me and said something but I said 'Nothing' and continued talking to Ladies' Man.

I was sad. So I played music and decided to walk alone, thinking of how perfect our friendship was going until that point. Hamzah turned on his mode and waltzed off to mingle with the ladies. Dhe3 inquired about me, then Carisa approached in concern but she was being happy so I told her to go back with Adam, Fajar and Umar 'cause I didn't want to ruin any of her joy. I walked ahead of everyone until I found myself behind Ahmed Almeer. He knows I have problems and I was on the verge of tears so I really didn't want him to see so I started heading to the left but he turned around just in time to smile and say 'Feeling lonely?' I replied that I just wanted to be alone, but he asked about the Chemistry test and we talked together for a few minutes about it. He even took off his earphones and packed it up. When nothing else was to be said I scurried off, thankful a kind guy like him existed in the event.

Adam proved me wrong too though, 'cause abruptly and unexpectedly I found him walking beside me, asking Fajary things. I explained to him what happened and it was the 1st time I did so in real life and not online. After more bla3 we talked about his phone and before you know it there was another pit-stop so he went back to Fajar - we walked way too fast. Hamzah popped up a conversation and again I was so grateful I even expressed it to him. Cania also questioned but I don't know what I said. Since I felt that I'd be with Hamzah throughout the rest of the walk, I shouted a thanks to Adam ['cause he bothered talking to me and well, it was comforting] who was back there with Fajar leaning against a bus and he looked like he was being forced to greet me. Oh yeah, Carisa told me of her Fajar chronicles.

When we were turning right towards the Exhibition Centre, Fajar jumped beside me and said 'I'm sorry, reaally sorry', meaning it. I know he did. Out of pure reflex my mouth formed a smile that I felt was sincere and it lasted for 5 seconds. Fajar started grinning and he said to Adam 'See I told you she'd like it!' and I remarked 'I bet Adam told you to do this' and he looked taken aback and said 'No he didn't' so I believed him and was thankful for his thoughtfulness. Well I thought things were going to be back to normal... But I was wrong. He left me again as fast as we made up. I pulled his shirt causing him to stumble towards me and complained, complained, complained. Carisa said something about forgetting it 'cause he said sorry or whatever but I wasn't convinced anymore. Who was the one desperately wanting to be greeted? All I wanted was him to stay but he just wouldn't. So I burned up and pushed him away, to Umar.

I continued talking to Hamzah. Fajar walked over to me and said 'What, what' or the like but I lightly pushed him back again with both hands, like in cartoons where slaves push big rocks. My feeling weren't stable. Just be with Umar and Adam and Carisa. He was. I on the other hand had Hamzah only, until Cania and Adam marched behind us and we 4 conversed together about many random things later on. More of the girls were with us now, but I was basically with Hamzah, Cania, Adam, Carisa, Andin and Dhe3 - mostly the 1st 3. Adam interviewed Hamzah so many random and stupid questions and it was hilarious. I have it all on video so I don't need to type this part of the Walk-A-Thon. Umar and Fajar were like waaaaaay ahead of us and they didn't seem amused. I kept wondering why Umar prefers to walk alone, or even speechless. I bet Fajar would've had a happier Walk-A-Thon end if he was with me. By the way, Bowlingball Head appeared way too many times, Tuyul banget sih. Everytime he did I screamed and Dhe3 and Dhia would be there laughing. By the way I forgot to mention that when we walked with Malak Obaidi she found out I'm Syania Tifani and then she said 'OMG you're Syania? You're smart... are you emo?' and we were like LOLing.

In the field I ate pepperoni pizza and it was beautiful. I want to win the iPod raffle, amin [is it even drawn yet?]. I felt so alone and tired so I skipped Primary and so did Hamzah yay. I forgot about Dhea though, hehe. On my way to the front, I was looking at the photos and found a very eyecatching one, which most of you should already know about. When I looked at it I, out of pure reflex again, smiled again and it lasted longer for 5 seconds this time. I missed it. On my right I sneaked a glance - Khalid was talking to his friend and Fajar just stood there by himself. The others started coming and I talked with them. I clearly remember how that best friend of mine stared at me, with his serious, unpredictable expression - I regarded him too for 0.1 seconds that's why, but turned my head back 'cause it scared me. However after more bla3ing I really looked at him and he looked back; his slight smile from talking to Khalid transforming into a straight line or even a frown and our eyes, unreadable, were just locked like that for 2 seconds, until I turned my head back again.

Deep down I really wanted to walk over to him and show the photo that made me smile. I don't really know why I didn't.

Source of Misery & Joy

HAEY GUYS I couldn't help but to show you these two doodles down here.

CLICK FOR FULLVIEW LOLZ
I drew this in Cania's convo. I was doodling at Fajar's and felt like Jimming in Cania's so I just drew a green Jim. Then I spontaneously changed colour and spontaneously drew a bigger Jim. I decided to make a beautiful colourful pattern and that was the result. BWAHAH I am so proud of it XD But it scared Cania.

Drawn in Fajar's convo LOLZ
Well he told me he lost his wallet but then found it deep inside his desk.

(19:13) |× b i.es - 6 0: how th hell cud it be ther
(19:13) |× b i.es - 6 0: ws it behind anything
(19:13) |× b i.es - 6 0: ur wallet has legs
(19:14) | . T r e n t .: my desk ate it
(19:14) | . T r e n t .: its stuck on its lung
(19:14) | . T r e n t .: so i have to drag it out
(19:14) |× b i.es - 6 0: ur desk rele IS alive

and then, DUN DUN DUN inspiration came.

Well after much stupidity the conversation went wrong... 'cause my happiness turns out to be his misery. WAEEEEEEEE?!?! I cannot give up my only source when I'm alone and sad... But on the other hand, I hate seeing and knowing Fajar being moody .. T~T

Does anyone know how to make a guy like him cheer up? ):

Shiaaaaaat I have a Chemistry re-test tomorrow which I just remembered at 12:30pm today and I didn't study... What if I get another E? Will Parry kill me? LOL THAT RHYMES [and I said it in MSN]. Hamzah ended up not doing my h/w so now I have to do it properly myself. Sigh, I was hoping tomorrow I can walk with Fajar but with these circumstances... Well let's just see.

I STAY UP AGAIN TONIGHT ):

Hello Jaw

Supposedly Umar

Hello people I'm in a better mood =D This weekend I became so obsessed with a jaw LOL and it's all thanks to Hamzah and originally Carisa.

Anyhowsie on Friday we went to Aspire at 8 in the morning and had a short walk around but stayed mostly by the fountain thingy. I was sort of grudging Hamzah but later when we went to the picnic I got over it. I massively fangirled with Indira and couldn't stop laughing. We even tried sit-ups and I did 23 in 1 minute and she did uhh, 40 was it? My stomach became unbendable after that. When the boys came I wanted to swoon over Umar 'cause well let's face it, he's irresistible. Me and Indira wouldn't stop. After we ate and all lots of us speculated Abid's mobile photos and then I lied down on the grass... It felt great. I regretted not coming earlier );

Well at home I expressed what I truly felt in that Aspire session in my PM, which is anger. Yeah I was angry actually but I covered it up with my fangirling... Because Fangirling is Happiness. The reason of my rage was simply because Fajar didn't talk to me at all when I thought things were OK. He asked about this PM of mine and uhh, we had another argument. About greetings this time. I think I used to fight with Hamzah about that. Anyway later in the afternoon we made up properly. Fajar kept pasting these cats at me:

　 ／l、
ﾞ（ﾟ､ ｡ ７
　l、ﾞ~ヽ
　しし し )ノ

But I replied lamely and didn't say anything else 'cause I still felt miserable and unwilling to chat. Farah invited me to go outside but I didn't want to, plus I had to go to FFC. When I got home Hamzah started posting photos and my joy revived. ;D

The next day we had KAIFA and I was expecting a boring lecture, which I got. I was too busy looking at a magazine as I placed myself next to Carisa on the carpet thing. When I looked up in front of me, I saw a handsome guy. Yes people, Umar was sitting right across me. It felt like a dream come true, I said to Matar. I didn't want it to end. But it did, 'cause then more carpets came in and so the girls were ordered to sit behind the boys. THERE GOES MY SHATTERED UMAR DREAMS ONCE AGAIN [why does my life feel like such a drama?].

But, all was not lost, for apparently from where I sat I got a good view of his side, sometimes blocked by Dhe3 who wouldn't trade places with me NYEEEH. God, the lecture was so droneful [does that word exist?] and Farah's jokes were lame as usual so I decided to draw, inspired by the subject of my blog entry. It was enjoyable and I was very pleased with the outcome and lots of people agreed that it looks like who I wanted it to look like. Me and Carisa isengly kept putting string on Dhe3's shirt and krudung but it failed to stick.

When the funeral ended I traveled to the front and showed Hamzah and other people my creation, giddy and stuff. Suddenly Fajar who was sitting on a chair next to me and Hamzah who were talking about Danial's camera magazine said 'Hello' to me and I replied 'Hello' back with a spontaneous smile. He continued talking to the other boys though. As I drew people came round to watch and comment sometimes and I avoided parents. When Fajar came to have a look he ended up glaring -__-;; Before parting we speculated Islamic books in different languages and Fajar could tell the difference between Hindi and Thai and Hamzah tried too hard to read French.

Well it's awesome that me and ahoushi are communicating again and I deeply appreciate how he started first.. again.. and in real life.. again.. even though he's been complaining. Yayayayay. At home I was too lazy to do any work so I finished off the drawing instead and Hamzah made me crack up when he started an MSN convo with the sentence 'help me label sex organs'. DUDE, WHAT KIND OF GUY SAYS THAT TO A GIRL? But it was funny. I panicked 'cause I thought Umar knew about the drawing 'cause Fajar read me and Hamzah's log and he pretended to be Umar, tricking me so I think Umar read it too, but he didn't, which I found out when we played outside.

Yes, I played outside, finally, after ignoring 2 sessions of them. Oh how nice the wind was. I teased and joked around with Hamzah concerning my Chemistry homework job offer [in the beginning Fajar snatched one of the booklets from him insisting that his handwriting is way better so he should do it instead], from QR20 to QR15 to QR10 if the quality of the notes suck, or if he touched my scooter HAHA. He would also have to pay QR10 to ride it, but may earn the same amount if he rides it all the way to my house ['cause we hung in front of the Isyna household]. He actually did it LOL. It's so funny to joke with him. I inquired Umar if he knew about the drawing and he went what drawing with a really dopey cute innocent face and I switched back and forth between him and Fajar asking questions about that evening's log and turns out Umar was CLUELESS [he is adorable when he's like that]. I said 'You're not lying right?' and he went 'Why would I lie?' - guess he didn't read the log at all. I KILL YOU FAJAR FOR PRANKING ME.

But then I didn't 'cause when I asked that boy if he wanted to see the drawing he muttered 'Why should I, it's not my drawing' and I said 'But you asked "how was the drawing" tadi' and I finally knew what he meant; 'cause then after all that he quietly said with his back turned against me 'Why don't you draw ausdjad' and I thought he said 'Why don't you draw one?' so I asked what he said and he went ngga, ngga as usual and I was too curious so I demanded, 'You want me to draw -insert a person's name here-?' and he put on a 'wtf no' face. Then he finally gave up and he poked his chest and said, 'Why don't you draw ME?'
Damn, so what he meant by 'it's not my drawing' is actually: 'it's not a drawing of me'. Nowwwww I get it. Oh God, that boy... Well I guess I'm gonna draw him, just to make him happy - if he will be, that is.

After talking to Nisa and Dhea about my artpad, I decided to Kempo but my parents wouldn't take me 'cause nobody would be there to pick me up and they didn't bother so I just... what the hell did I do tonight? o__O;; Chat, Facebook, deviantART... and ignore essay... that's it? I'm doing it tomorrow in my free lesson [as usual]. A few more things, my mobile earphones are busted so I have to buy a new one -__-;; Plus the CD-Rs I bought never burnt all the music I wanted. What a waste of QR2.

I will have no Sekompondy weekend this week 'cause there's gonna be IA o=

Akhir Rasa Ini .

The last drawings of us.

'Hello readers, I just wanna say that you will not be seeing me talk about whatever that asshole's name is anymore. I think it starts with an F. It's not important now anyway.

Oh look it's the 100th post too. How special.
It was a beautiful friendship while it lasted; Good bye.'

... Or should I say hello?
Ignore all the above, because after a few hours we sorted things out. Again. And I swore something. Again. I just wanted to keep the text I typed when I thought all was over.
I won't call this make up a stupid one though, because it's not funny and a part of me still hates him.

Intense Hatred

Thanks Umar & Tante Ita :)

-Note this entry has more swearing than usual-

Nothing happened in school/I don't wanna talk about it so there's nothing to write- except that I srsly love my Chemistry lessons and wish it's been like that since Yr10. Plus I've been spamming cereal bars.
Now, as you all may probably already know, I went to the AC Milan VS. Al-Sadd game today with DnF, Dhe3 and Indira but when we reached later found out that we were sitting together with Umar, Iwan, Fajar, Om Agus and Tante Siwi [and Om Susilo much later]. Fajar brought pizza which was the first thing I saw and then to my astonishment, Akkad, Yacout and Khalid Selim. I then kept searching for Jozali haha.
OK so I don't wanna type this night in detail because despite how much fun I had there were things I absolutely despise, curse and wanna fuck at. It lasted from around 5 'til 9 but the real game began at err, 7? We sat near the front and by the way once when I turned around I found Jozali standing 3 rows behind us talking in his mobile and I swooned. Umar was also very awesome in those 4 hours 'cause he showed so much spirit and enthusiasm which I hardly see from him, so it was so cute and cool watching him do his 'What the?' gesture and going aww or cheering or something. I proved my mom wrong 'cause she said the match'd be boring if I don't understand anything but I did and it was not boring at all. I'm glad I went.

DAVIIIIIID!!!!!!!!!! *hearts*

Here's some notable stuff:

• I sat beside Indira and we were both fawning over Beckham [shirt #32] who we called David whilst Farah and Dhe3 were Pato-ing. We kept screeching their names out and it was loads of laughs and stupidity. Oh yeah, me and Indira began to notice Umar's nails.
  
• At the 2nd half of the game we all became focused on the Al-Sadd player called Ali, he had long brown hair and a headband/hat thing which someone behind us said 'fucking hat' at.
• AC Milan won 2-1. We mixed up Darmian with Mattioni or whatever his name is 'cause they looked similar.
• The weather was quite cool and windy but my awesome hoodie kept me warm and I only ate magic corn.
  
• It was so awesome when the players kept rolling or tripping over or sliding on the grass and all. It's way better live than in photos.
• The people behind us were fucking hilarious and entertaining. They screamed things like 'Beckie, you fucking beauty!' which by the way was aimed at Beckham and 'We want samoosa!' and they even talked about Fajar's pizza. Tante Siwi gave them the box after that and they were like 'It's been 4 days since we ate pizza' or whatever. One of them said to me 'Thanks for the pizza, it was nice'. God, they were so funny and I couldn't stop laughing.
  
• People threw paper all over the place -__- and I took some bokeh pics. I also locked eyes with Fajar 2x or something [he started it] and it sort of scared me 'cause he never looks at me [because I am not attractive]. Never. I heard his ticket was #0600 and mine was #0601 and that kind of made me happy, shoot me.
  
• They gave out free t-shirts using gun thingies and I stood on my chair and stumbled so my ankle sort of sprained and it hurted terribly. Fajar luckily got one and was eager to open it but got disappointed when he saw Jafal Rashed's pic instead of Beckham or Maldini or something LOL. But he's still lucky.

That's basically it. The fangirling, rooting, awwing, speculating, laughing and Umar admirating were the good parts. I guess watching football isn't so bad after all.

Fajar the fucking asshole catching his souvenir shirt

I left this angry part for last because I'm feeling it right now so yeah. I'm currently grudging and hating Fajar due to private reasons I'll never tell anyone 'cept God, Who already knows, so I'll just discuss it with Him 'cause He'll listen of course. Anyway this time I think Fajar's taken it too far and I am so not responsible for this silent distance of ours. Why won't he end it? It's his fault. HIS FAULT. I was the one trying to help so why should I be the one to start and say sorry? Let him do it, I'm not gonna. I hate him. After we came home tonight his PM was this:

If I so happen to be one of the people he hates then fine, I DON'T CARE 'cause I fuckin' hate him too. I don't deserve to be hated though. Lousy ditching asshole, hurting my feelings on purpose. ON PURPOSE, and I know it. His idiotic smiles today made me wanna tear him from limb to limb, the reason of his derivations of happiness I wanna destroy, his fucking handsomeness I wanna shred with a razorblade, his kind and friendliness I wish was for me...
It's not easy having a typical, especially good-looking, guy for a best friend you know. Especially since I'm his only best friend, who is a girl. So he's lame at feelings and friendships.
Well anyway if you guys know me any better you'd know I actually still really really #$@$ Fajar and all the hatred I expressed above is just something that I'm going through right now - I don't know if that's the case for him, 'cause I don't even know if he ever #$@$s me or not - but I do mean it; I do hate him. He IS a fucking asshole. But someone who's been with you for nearly 3 years and stuck with you even when you changed, fought with them for15 times but still continued being the best of friends nevertheless and made them cry when you know they hardly do - especially since it's a GUY - isn't someone you can let go easily. Since the beginning he's always showed me loyalty. I don't know what happened to it - did it run off, hide, get replaced by hatred... or did it go for a walk and will come back later? I pray for the last, amin.

I'm still mad at him though.

P.s. I have a question: I give loads of attention and sometimes compliments to Fajar, so why do you think he hates it and me whenever I talk about or to a cool guy? Why is he jealous because of what I do? Why not be jealous of all the other fangirls in our community? Why ME?

Unfathomable Despair

-26 April 2008-

|× Bii-Esh™ :-: fajar if u wer ther n u saw me crying wt wud u do
[ Trent Harrison] : try t make u smile

I totally stole the title from Fajar's PM who obviously got it from a text - he can't possibly find or learn a word like 'unfathomable' by himself can he? Well anyway Friday's entry [which I will type about later] will explain why I'm not happy anymore so I'll go straight into the descriptions of misery and rage.

[ Beware Cania ] Yesterday I confronted effin' Griffin [Iffin'] with my FINISHED HOMEWORK which I honestly FORGOT TO HAND IN on Wednesday but guess what? HE GAVE ME A BLOODY DETENTION. FOR FORGETTING TO HAND IN MY BOOK! EVEN WHEN IT'S FUCKING FINISHED! WHAT KINDA RUTHLESS TEACHER IS HE?! It's such an imbecilic reason! And you know, Shaza who did NOT hand in her book either PLUS hardly did ANY of the questions, DIDN'T GET A DETENTION AT ALL. Dude, I don't care if I get a detention or not - I care about how he gave one to me for a stupid reason yet DIDN'T give one to someone who totally DESERVED it! I half stuck out my middle finger at Shaza and I even said the F word 2x in class. Blame my period -___- Anyway, Iffin' has something against me. I BET IT'S 'CAUSE I SAID I HATED HIM.

[ OK Cania it's safe now ] At 2nd break I was totally grudging Shaza who said she'll never forget what I did to her. IA was boring and Scoots couldn't shut up just like Griffin. The car trip home was very amusing though 'cause Abid joined us and he had loads of hilarious stories from IA and normal school days which we all laughed and commented at of course. Once when we were talking about making a band, Dhea suggested Remi as Umar's violin player member and Abid said something which made Umar smirk and say 'I'm too cool' and I was like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~~~~~~ And and and once he tugged on his collar too like Justin Timberlake and all those sexy people you know? OH SO AWESOME.

Hometime was dead. It was the most boring 9 hours [I slept at 12] I've ever had in 2009, srsly. I didn't have any h/w either. Matar wasn't online. I wanted to draw but didn't. I kept staring at Fajar's MSN thinking of how much we'd chat if we got over this mess. I put all my faith in God for both of us to overcome this, amin Ya Robbal Al Amin.

Today, Monday. It was better. I got a 44% for my Chemistry test a.k.a. an E. It's still a passing grade in AS but NOT for Universities, which like C's and above. Hey Colorado, still want me? Parry's planning a re-test next Tuesday 'cause most of us sucked, great. I was sleepy up until breaktime where I ate noodles. O'neil was stupider in today's lesson than usual 'cause it's so obvious he didn't know how to explain the page we read about. And the school's internet is still slow. And Maths is hideously stressing and confusing - Iffin's rushing it. OK you all probably wonder why I called today better.

Basically because of after school Primary, of course. It's always guaranteed as the happiest hour of my week unless anything better happens like Friday's 4-hour CC thing. It was me and Hamzah only today 'cause Dhea vamoosed to Hikmah's. Riko let her hair down and she looked older and Anime. Oh yeah I forgot to mention how there's this stupid packet of biscuits that's been appearing everywhere I go, called Shots. And they taste AWFUL. But they're everywhere, and people eat them. So, I discovered that Umar was rehearsing for the Talent Show at the drum shed and I was so disappointed when we went to the BB court instead of the usual patch of grass in front of the shed. But then we transferred ourselves to that place and I was flying. I expressed every single fangirling and moaning of mine to Hamzah who was like 'You do know I'm his twin right? It's so VAGUE'. I don't get the vague part.

When we went to get stuff from the shed Hamzah opened the door and I saw Adam who looked at me and said Hello. Man it's been ages since you spoke to me. Anyhow the session was fun as usual 'cause me and Hamzah always laugh and it's nice to see his smiling face you know =D Umair and Hariz were like playing outside so I got to look at him a lot of times TEEEHEEEE. Hamzah found a hideous worm just like the one in Al-Khor and we stared at it several times that hour. But when the kids played football I kept watching the little bug just incase... and then Kai squished it. IT WAS SO DISGUSTING!!!!!!! The worm's skin got destroyed and I saw its brown solid insides HIHH. Hamzah became a goalkeeper har har.

So, we were at the Masjid waiting for the twins to finish praying, right, and suddenly when I looked at the gate Umar had his hands in his pockets and he walked out SO. EFFINLY. HOT. Like a like a like a - I DON'T KNOW. It was just so Umar. And so cool. I died. And Hamzah looked like a dweeb behind him - IM JOKING. Anyway in the car I peacefully listened to music and I looked at the mirror to get a view of Umair who was behind me but instead caught eyes with Hamzah who was like 'What?' or something with his trademark expression and I wanted to scowl at him 'cause my target was Umar not you man. Towards the end of the ride I saw something soo cute x] Anyway hometime was dead yet again. I have a long Maths h/w but I wanted to blog and do nothing today so I did. Well, I spent more than an hour reading old chat logs with Fajar and a little bit with Hamzah too. When I read through them I realised the fact that me and Fajar fought about nearly the same thing back in 2008 and now, 2009. We haven't changed any of it at all and I don't know what that means. I could've cried when I read the utterly sweet things he said; and you know, I felt like that chat log happened to me right then and there, not a year or 6 months ago or something. When I read the happy parts it made me feel like nothing's wrong with us but when I looked at Fajar's MSN I snapped back to reality and realised that was all in the past. I was living in those memories.

He modified his nick so that he's underneath me again, I'm so happy 'cause when he made it purple last Saturday he was like.. waaaay down, above Abid or something. It's a stupid thing to be happy about but I WAS HAPPY SO WHO CARES. He changed his PM to '... and unfanthomable despair' which is wrong 'cause it's unfathomable. It made me wonder what he was talking about though.. He also changed his nick to 'T r e n t of Intense Hatred' and that scared the LIVING SHIT out of me, 'cause who could he be talking about? T___T I hate him, he never listens to me and always [did you know that always is a blaming word?] inferiorises himself and can sometimes totally ignore me and forgets who I am and often brings up issues at the wrong time which causes silent distances like this but I am his only best friend and he's my best friend too, somebody so important whom I miss terribly and it's hard to not care about him and I know I'm not supposed to let one person be the 'cause of all my misery but I can be happy just like how I showed you all above with the Hamzah stuff, it's just that I choose to walk like this right now.

Well that was the 1st 2 days of March, not very promising I know, but well, February turned out pretty nice and I thank Allah, alhamdulillah. Can You make March happier for me? Amin.