IS BLOGGER DEAD?
well, my blog is. might post from time to time,
but like now i'm just active on twitter and tumblr
[and Facebook and Deviantart duh]

what is...

love?
a best friend?
a true friend?
the truth?

I don't understand any of the above anymore.
I think I've lost all of them.
Someone I thought was my best friend....
Someone I thought I was really in love with, specially that smile of his...
Something I thought I could believe was the truth...
People I thought were true to me...

Do they still exist in my life, my heart?
Has everything I've ever gotten been taken away from me?

this is why my heart is slowly getting emptier
i really don't know what i have now. i want them back.

maybe if my parents listened, if i wasn't so intelligent, i would be sitting on a desk with sunlight pouring on the sheet of paper in front of me, as i draw with my asian classmates, right now.

Loneliness is the Worst Disease.

I may not have a future, but if I do, I want to spend it like that with you

I feel like blogging about sad things, 'cause happy things are currently and has often always been non-existent since I came here.
I like this town. It's green, cute, friendly and beautiful. Education wise, classes aren't so bad either, I just don't bother doing my homework. The only thing that makes me feel like I'm better off dead everyday is the fact I'm always alone. I THINK I have friends. Nadiah is a friend, no doubt. Maybe Radi is too. And Fielda. But I'm still alone. I don't hang out with them and hardly talk to them, let alone see them. I know that great friendships come naturally. It happened with me and Nisa, Fajar, Hamzah, lots of people. But I've been here for 3 weeks and nothing is progressing. Sometimes I wonder if I'm SUPPOSED to try and MAKE friends instead of waiting for things to flow like I used to. However, I don't know how to make new friends, by myself. I can't start a conversation with someone I'm not close with. I just can't. I don't even know if I'll ever talk to my classmates 'cause they either already have their own buddies, stay quiet or are totally disinterested in me. Is it because I wear the hijab so they don't wanna approach me? What does my face express, that I wanna be alone? No, I don't. Being the new kid is tough, nearly everyone felt that way before. I wish someone would realise how uncomfortable I am in such a status. Life sucks without friends. When I'm not with Nadiah and classes are over, my room is where I go. There's nowhere else to be. Noone to go anywhere with. Will there be a time when I'll play in Denver with someone every weekend, when I'll eat lunch with a friend everyday, when I can call up a mate and do homework together, will there? You'd probably say of course there will, you just have to wait, everything will be fine and you'll get used to it. I'd probably agree too. But I keep reminding myself that this is life and only Allah knows what will happen to me. My fate has been decided and it's up to me to walk through it. I pray for ages so much that I will be happy and make great friends here. I really do. Praying is the only thing I have to give me hope. I honestly wish not to care if I get low passing grades in my class. I just wanna be happier. I just wanna experience remarkable friendships again like I did in Qatar.

I also tend to imagine what it would be like if I moved to Indonesia instead of here. I'd either be in Jakarta or Bandung, living with MD or in a dorm also. At least with other Indonesian girls. I don't know why back then I didn't wanna move to Indonesia, I think life there would've been great. I really do have a lot of regrets, and it's always too late when I realise what the right thing to do is. If I was Indonesia, could I be hanging out at the mall right now with friends eating bakso or something? Or even fangirl about Super Junior with my roommates? Or even enjoying life?

Of course, nothing will ever beat my life back at Sekompond, which is where I wish I am, doing Year 13, maybe things would be different as of this moment. NOTHING. I think about my friends over there constantly, wishing I was with them, or that they were with me, sitting in the campus's green field talking or taking photos, riding the bus to downtown where we can shop together or even living in the same dorm as me so we'd meet up everytime. At home we wouldn't play outside much anymore but at least we'd get to see each other in events and definitely school. At least I would laugh 'til I cry each time I play with them and feel loved, things like that are guaranteed over there. Even if I get miserable 'cause of another fight with Fajar and ignore him for days, at least I still have other friends to go to. And things will be fine later on 'cause we always make up. I wouldn't have to feel indifferent because I wear a hijab because I'm with other Muslims too. I'd be safe and comfortable. Hey, do you guys feel the same? Do you guys wish I was still there, visible in your sight everyday? Do you guys wish we can laugh and spend time together again? I'm not the only one feeling this way right? I know I am continuously clinging to my past. I carry it with me to the present. I still communicate with everyone, wish we'll meet again and look at videos and pictures of those times. It's just, something that good you just can't let go of even if it makes you cry a lot; that's what I believe in. It's the same with people. There are 2 specific that makes my sad life a whole lot worse. Even if we're 8000 miles apart and all they do is hurt me even though I care, I still hold on to them. You could be thinking, well why the hell should I do that? I wanna be happy right, so why keep something that makes me miserable? It's because we have moments and memories dating back from about 4 years ago. Because of that, those 2 people are special to me and I want to keep things going. And it's also obviously because I love them. You just can't stop feelings for someone or end things with them only because you're separated. That's not right. Instead you should continue what you started, if they happen to be really important to you. Which they are. So if you happen to be reading, please know that I want us to be exactly like before. And I always think about you.

Terus berdoa, they say. I do that. I want to keep doing that. Percaya sama Allah. I always do, of course. But I think the devil is possessing me 'cause when I'm in a breakdown which is at least 5x a week, I really do feel like dying. Wouldn't it be great if I finished Ramadan with lots of pahala, have God forgive all my previous sins and then die? Life couldn't get more complete than that. If you're guaranteed a place in Heaven immediately, doesn't your wanting to be dead reach its highest point? You wouldn't need to continue life any longer. Plus I'd get to meet Him. I'm sure my will to die is a bad thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. Besides pray. God, I'm sorry. Astaghfirullahaladzhim. God, I hope my prayers will come true. Amin.

I miss you and I'm afraid those words are the only proof I can show you of how I feel.

No, I Don't Go Underground

Where I am blogging from right now, Alderson Hall [sorry for the bad quality]

So, any of you wondering why I haven't been blogging? If there is/are, I'm surprised, genuinely. To put it simply, I don't think I'll be posting a lot of entries anymore like I used to. And the reason is equally as simple - if you want to know what's happening in my US life, all you have to do is open up a chat with me in MSN or even call in Skype [haha] whenever you're not busy, whenever I don't have class. When I do, my status will most likely be 'away', so yeah. You know I don't normally start convos, right? Don't forget we have a 9hr time difference, it changes to 10 when daylight savings is over, which is in November. It'll start again in about March.

I'd be really happy if any of you greet me, 'cause you know I'll always love you guys.

< 4 Years

I moved in my dorm.
My family has left me.
I've begun going to classes.
I've finally started my 'new life' in Colorado School of Mines.

But right now, I feel so dead.
You can't say I didn't try 'cause I did.
So what do I do now, wait?

Everybody always says, "Everything will be alright",
"Good things come to those who wait",
"You'll get used to it"
How can anyone get used to loneliness?
Any of that really true?

Allah, You're the only One with me now
Wake me up from this nightmare
Resurrect me from this death I feel
I want to remember what it's like to have close friends,
laughing beside me

Amin

Semakin Jauh, Semakin Suka

Have you ever had someone in your mind all the time but didn't know why?

I thought the answer was simple - because you love them, duh. That kinda love. Makes sense. That's why for the first week I stayed in the US I've been thinking of the same person 24/7, day and night, morning and evening, you name it. And I knew why. It's common. It gave me a continuous warm feeling and I liked it, I kept it that way. I'm 17, had puberty for 4.5 years, so I believe it's OK to think about love in a more serious way than an age 4 years younger than now 'cause it's not like I do anything about it. That person in my mind, he's far away, but so what? The feelings stay the same.

Then the 9th August Nightmare came.
You got an sms from her and showed it to me. It said no, don't go back to Bs, I don't want you to be happy with her. It was incomplete and you told me she sent an e-mail so I rushed over to the upstairs of the mall and hurriedly checked my mail but it didn't work. I went back to you and started interrogating you but they were around, our other friends. Needing privacy, I held your hand and we ran and ran to find it, we stumbled across the mothers along the way tripping over random pieces of furniture. You said, 'the mothers saw us holding hands!' but didn't let go anyway, we didn't care. There was finally a spot - there were the boys, but it's not like they're interested in our conversation so we lied down and had a long talk. I don't remember the words we spoke of, but as soon as someone took notice of us, we had to leave again. You sat down on the stairs and that's when I saw it - you were wearing a ring, on your ring finger. And the face you had with it was so proud and loving. What happened right after is a blur to me, but you had to go home. I received an sms from you: I think we'll never be friends again. It was because of that girl... your girlfriend. I immediately opened up MSN in a nearby computer station and saw you online. I had to set things out straight, 'cause that can't be happening, what happened to friends forever? But the line disconnected. So with all my might I rushed home and signed in and opened up a chat with you and... it all ended.

It's been 12 days, ever since I've had that dream thoughts of the person gradually increased day by day by day and now pieces of the former are scattered around unlike before. The feeling is different, it's not that kinda love, not a bit. So what is it? I don't understand at all. It's not normal to think about such a person constantly, it's not normal to have your heart beat so fast just 'cause you saw a tiny hint of them somewhere, it's actually crazy - I think I'm the only one in the world with this problem. This is where I don't know the answer to my question up there. I don't know why he's in my mind all the time.

Maybe it's true, that distance makes the heart grow fonder
but what about you?

~*Intimidation*~

The intimidating Orientation Schedule *cue horror BGM*

Do you know how much I hate time difference and summer holidays? Here I am again ranting my feelings to my blog, when I could've to Cania or Carisa or Fajar or Hamzah, the people I normally vent thoughts to. Even though I wouldn't say EVERYTHING to them, at least they'll reply, unlike a blog! Seriously, I miss getting responses, communicating T~T Well I will starting tomorrow but with new people and it's not like I'll immediately curhat with them right? I need my best friends at times like thiiis~

Anyway, speaking of new people, tomorrow and the day after my orientation will take place, and you really don't know how nervous, shy, afraid, anxious and intimidated I am. Specially the shy. My fear of meeting new people will be at its peak starting the 19th. If you happened to have looked at the schedule up there, well let me tell you something - did you notice the first day's for 9 hours? Yeah. In the 1st hour I enter Berthoud Hall, they already have a meeting-other-students session! There's another 30 minutes after welcome-age, and before the BBQ. Oh, yes, the BBQ. That's the worst part. It lasts for 2 hours. And another thing, my family won't be with me so basically I'm on my own, well it's not like I've never been alone before but this is a HUGE step [which I am unfortunately taking at 17] and it's something else.

Since I am 4% the type to start conversations with strangers, it worries me if people will approach me or not, you know? Once I'm close with someone though I tend to show more intimacy, but we're talking about people I've never seen before here. Will people come up and talk to me? Will I immediately click with someone? Will I end up alone [na'udzhubillah]? And most importantly, will I be OK? All those questions kept running in my head ever since I got the schedule! God will give me someone to talk to right? Amin. You know what, I'm just gunna trust Him. But I'm still nervous anyway.

'Cause there's another problem. On the 21st, Friday, which is the day before Ramadan [which I won't be spending with Sekompond crycrycrycry], I'm gunna move into my dorm. College starts on the 25th, so basically I'll spend 4 days with my suitemates before I meet my classmates. And you know what one of them has planned for the 1st night we move in? A dinner. To get to know each other of course. But again, I'm freakishly nervous, because all my suitemates are American, non-Muslim, probably not interested in what I like, people who lived a different life from me. If there was at least an Asian or Muslim [which was what we applied for, a Muslim suitemate, but didn't get any!] I would feel more comfortable, but guess what, life just got harder than it already was... for me. I'll be shortest, youngest and the only one covering my entire body 'cept face and hands. IT'S GUNNA FEEL SO WEIRD!!!!!!!!! I do wanna meet my future suitemates but like I said... everything's so opposite to what I'm used to. Back in QIS, in Year 10, I only knew Madusa and Sammy and Jenny 'cause all my other friends moved away right. Because I had people I knew with me, it wasn't hard to get to know the new ones - Shaza, Iman, Saba. I became close with Lara and Haya by myself but you get the point. That's why that dinner thing and moving in earlier than the first day of college worries me. Thankfully I think I'll handle the Orientation with my strong beliefs in God and... maybe I'll try to communicate. Maybe.

Oh why does my life have to be so complicated.....
and I'm only 17 and not able to get a credit card unless I have a job.......

Homesick

I took this from Cania's Livejournal and thought it would be fun to do =D

1. A picture of you in your room


Well that's a house but... na'udzhubillah.
[by the way I look REALLY BAD in that pic]


LOL this is the only one I bother to find. I'm so bored of it xD

2. A picture of you posing with someone you don't actually like
Err, I'll keep this a secret. So how about an edit?


Carisa, Cania, you may kill me now.

3. A picture with a former crush


My best friend /heart
He wasn't JUST a former crush, he was my first love but heck I moved on to someone better.
p.s. Hamzah I know I said I'd never post that picture but this was the only one we had together since last year so forgive me ):

4. A picture of you very drunk
I REFUSE TO REVEAL MY AIB, I'm already unattractive enough OK

5. A picture of you with a parent or two.
I don't have one of those, there's always someone else in it also or I'm the one taking the pic so...


AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SO UGLY LOLOL I was 12, 12yr olds these days are a lot more cool yea? HAHAHAHAHA

6. A picture of you on your birthday, or your favourite holiday.


Meh I hardly take pics on my birthday 'cause nothing happens [cept this year :'D]
So I put Eid holiday~

7. The youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form.


The one wearing blue eeehh how embarrassing *hides*

8. A picture of you in one of your favourite outfits.
LOLwt how should I know/remember? I don't think about that kinda stuff D:


OK so I like the QIS uniform, so what?

9. A picture of you making a goofy face at the camera.
I DON'T DO THAT SORRY. Well there is a really old one but I'm gunna put the others too MWAHAH


2006.

10. A picture of you showing off a new haircut. (even if it's an old haircut now)
Don't have one of those );

11. A picture you miiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive.
To make MYSELF more attractive [which I am not]?



12. A picture of something that you love.


Well that's 2 but the drawing is INSIDE the book so.. yeah ;D

13. A picture of you truly being yourself.


Ummm I can't find one of me laughing.. and both those pics up there convey myself so =\

14. The most recent picture of you.


LAME

15. A picture of you being absolutely ridiculous.
OMG SERIOUSLY WHY????? YOU WANT TO MAKE ME LOOK WORSE THAN I ALREADY AM?


There.

16. A picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.


It speaks for itself...

17. A picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more happy that it is.
I don't know....

18. A picture with your oldest friend.


UHHHH. It has to be both of them u___u

19. A picture with your newest friend.


LOLOL I have no other picture with Adam~ I THINK he's my newest friend? It'll change once I start college =\

20. A picture of you when you were anything but happy... even if you were smiling and did your best to hide it.


I've blogged about it, 'nuff said

21. A picture of you that you had no idea was being taken.


Well uh I don't think Hamzah was aiming at me but I'm in it and I didn't know so it counts! =D

22. A picture of you when you were a different person than you are now.


I was younger, happier, carefree-er... and fatter

23. A picture of you in a swimsuit - whether you love it or loathe it.
I refuse.

24. A picture of yourself that you like.

ft. Nisa. Damn look at how smaller I was ;__:

25. A picture of yourself that you hate.


There's a lot more where that came from but I'll show the less explicit (Y)


26. A picture of you with some people you love.


Indra not included.

27. A picture of how you'd like the world to see you.


Delicious. LOL NO JUST KIDDING


Perhaps that implies loving, giving and colourful? xD

28. A picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day.



29. A picture of a time when everything was changing.



30. A picture that makes your heart hurt.


Cania's presence in the picture has no influence alright

31. A picture that makes your heart smile.


There's many more of course ~

32. A picture of one of the best nights of your life. (or day)


Day.

Basically, I'm homesick

American Dream?

Usually I'd type about what happens to me every single day in detail but since it's been 2 weeks since I arrived in the US, I thought that would be too much and I ain't bothered, so I'll just generalise stuff alright (Y)

Starting August 3rd!

The flights

I smsed lots of people before I got in the mega cold plane.

From Jakarta to Hong Kong, it was 4.5 hours. Didn't get to see SuJu-M as I hoped, but I bought some cute souvenirs :'D I also saw some nude magazines in one of the shops... creepy.
From Hong Kong to Los Angeles, it was 13 hours. I kept taking pictures of the sky by the way 'cause the clouds were so beautiful. There were turbulence in both flights and I freaked out duh but after a while I got used to everything and felt safe (Y) I slept for 8 hours HURRAY. The only movie I watched was Finding Neverland, it was nice I guess. Then I watched Hannah Montana and Cory in the House LOLZ

Los Angeles
I posted pictures in FB if you haven't seen ;D

We weren't supposed to take long in the airport but since Dad had to do this interview we spent like 4 hours or something in that place. It was right there that I discovered that Americans are friendly. Whilst loitering about, HUNDREDS of people kept coming in and I watched them, looking for Muslims [there was a lot] and cute guys [there was a lot too and I think from France].
It was err, evening but we had to go rent a car. Again I discovered that skies here are pretty. When we reached the internet-less hotel it was 7 I think but the sky was still bright - I wasn't surprised though 'cause I knew Maghrib here is at 8...
The next day we went to Hollywood! I couldn't recall any memories even though I've been there before -__-; After much walking around, taking pictures, observing stars on the Walk of Fame and browsing souvenir shops I realised the place isn't all THAT wow and great. It seemed normal to me [except there were people in Spiderman, Bugs Bunny and robot costumes, that doesn't count]. Sadly we had to drive to Las Vegas today so no more venturing the place, I was so hoping to going to Universal Studios/Disneyland -__-

Las Vegas
Again, there's lots of pics in FB

We reached this place in the evening, and spent 2 days in the awesome Hilton (Y)

There was Disney Channel so I watched that, but there was also free internet too :D I was so surprised at how much Zack and Cody have grown, their voices are so manly now and Cody is the ganteng-est Western/17yr old boy I've ever seen /melts. By the way, toilets here do not have handheld bidets [you know, the semprot2 thing] and that's REALLY INCONVENIENT. It makes me unbothered to go to the bathroom! D:
At night me and my family walked around Las Vegas for 3 hours. I srsly thought the place wasted too much electricity and resources to build 29329032 casinos. After 2 hours of walking I finally noticed that nearly every single pavement had porn flyers. People give them out. It was disgusting to see. I mean, don't they think about kids? And the thing is, people throw them away... so it wastes paper. Ugh, it was so disturbing. But other than that I had fun taking pictures (Y) I stayed up 'til Subuh fangirling yay~

I woke up at 2pm the following afternoon and immediately went out again after praying. We went to this mall that looks EXACTLY LIKE VILLAGGIO and I swear I wanted to cry ;__; There wasn't much to do there but it was a good place to take photos. We rode on monorails btw (Y) In one of the rides I saw an Asian man reading a porn magazine... he immediately hid the cover but I still found out anyway, haha, I have good eyes.

OK I ain't bothered to describe what happens next, go see pictures

Colorado
Just go to FB...

I forgot to say that each time we drive to a new destination there's always spectacular views of mountains. I also forgot to say that me and Ocha has been experiencing EXTREME insomnia. I never sleep before 11pm, NEVER. It's always at around 1am and I hate it.
Well anyway on the 7th of August I reached Denver, the capital city of the state. Our hotel is nice [specially the pillows and bed] but where my laptop is positioned decreases privacy.
Did I tell you that since we've arrived in this country my parents have been 10000000% increasingly ANNOYING? They keep telling me to sleep early, they force me to do minor, trivial, un-needing-to-be-forced stuff and SO MANY OTHER THINGS. And the thing is they irritate me every fakin day. This isn't how I wanna spend the last weeks with my parents, but they're not giving me a choice! They just make me so mad a lot.

Ignoring that, on the 8th we went to my college, just driving around the area of Golden. Since my campus exploration is something important, I think filling paragraphs concerning my thoughts about the place should be necessary.

First three impressions;
1. It wasn't how I thought it would look like. Google Earth tricked myeyes. It was a whole lot SMALLER [I mean the college]
2. It only takes at least 10 minutes to drive from the college to Denver o__O; The town, Golden, is like... so cowboy western style. Pretty cute
3. The neighborhoods and surrounding areas are SO GREEN and MOUNTAINY I'd consider riding a bike everyday :'D

OK now for more detail. No.1, the campus had less grassy fields than what I expected. I thought there would be more buildings too, but there wasn't - I was disappointed about that, and the size of course. The college is very close to people's houses, infact they're just across the street. No.2, the town reminded me of old Wild West places, like this. However it is cute, except I don't think I'll be visiting the streets so often 'cause there aren't any interesting shops or places to see [well maybe restaurants...]. The thing I like the most about my future place-of-living [I refuse to call it home, OK] is No.3 - all the nature /heart. Come on, you don't get grassy areas, hundreds of trees and mountains in the distance as a view everyday in Doha, right? Plus the air is so fresh. Well anyway, I seriously don't know how life there will be like. I still believe I'll go to the city a lot more =P
When looking around was done we went to a mall, where there was a bookstore that sold MANGA. Since I saw that, I've been checking out the manga section in every single bookstore I visit in Colorado. I'm planning to use the money I'll ask from my parents to buy hundreds of volumes *evil laugh*. We bought lots of shoes. At night Fajar greeted me in FB with an 'oi' when I was in the BATHROOM. I really didn't expect that. When I saw the chat I wanted to punch my stomach for aching right at that moment, and Fajar for greeting me with that hideous 2-lettered word.
On the 9th of August we went to downtown Denver (Y) Again I thought the city would be bigger but it wasn't - there's hardly any cars on the road, there's actually more people walking O: I kinda like it like that though. Less traffic. We went to this long street that turned out to be filled with shops, basically an outdoor mall, but I didn't buy anything. Shopkeepers and restaurant staff are REALLY REALLY NICE here, I swear. There was lots of grass. By the way we saw an amusement park and it looked way beyond cool, as I gaped at the creepy rides I kept wishing I could go there with you guys, cries. Back in the hotel it started raining but after checking again it turned out to be HAIL! T'was nice :'D

10th August, visited my college again. I quote my twit, I have so many things in my mind I wanna tell someone but i think only my blog is ever available.
Again, damn, the staff there are too nice. Specially the dorm lady - she kept SMILING. In the Administration office dad talked to the lady with his seriously-needs-to-be-improved English whilst I kept gazing at all the souvenirs she got from students. I was attracted to this photo of Malaysian students. There were A LOT. She gave me the Orientation schedule which has like 4 sessions, each around 30 mins long, of meeting fellow students [there's a session especially for Muslim students and I was relieved]. There's even gunna be a BBQ that lasts 1.5hrs or something. When I saw those parts I swear I felt like ditching the orientation. You guys know how I hate meeting new people right? Well since I'm living a new life I have no other choice, but to do it FORCEFULLY/ON PURPOSE/WITH SCHEDULE like that is WAY TOO INTIMIDATING. What if I don't know what to say? What if no-one approaches me? IT WORRIES ME SO MUCH TT___TT That's why I really wanted someone to talk to about this, but there's no-one....... it makes me sad.
We finally visited my dorm. When the friendly lady opened the door, I was really surprised. It was nothing like how I imagined it - duh, what you imagine never comes true. I thought there would be a TV and a kitchen. But there wasn't. I thought the common room would be big. But it was as small as the kitchen in the compound. She opened my single bedroom and I thought it would be bigger. But it was 3/5 the size of a Sekompond bedroom, I MEAN IT. I wondered how the planned-to-be-bought mini-fridge, microwave and bookrack would fit there. I thought since I'll be living without a mother for 4 years, I could learn to COOK, but circumstances aren't allowing me. The flippin' kitchen is downstairs, and I'm on the 4th floor! Siiiiiiiigh. My hopes were really shattered. But on the positive side since I have my own room it's easier to pray and I have more privacy. Plus the bed seems nice. And I'm thinking of decorating a lot. How depressing is my life, really?

Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (PBUH) as saying: The world is a prison-house for a believer and Paradise for a non-believer.

I think the above hadith applies to me... OK so when I'm in the hotel all I usually do is Facebook [Nisa's often around so it makes me feel a lot less lonely, our wallposts and messages amuse me, thanks Nisaaaaa :D], fangirl, discover music and DEFINITELY watch TV [basically Disney Channel, I know the shows are aimed at kids but I like them OK [specially since there's cute guys] D:]. I've grown to liking Sonny With a Chance and after some episodes, Chad Dylan Cooper real life name Sterling Knight. He is sooooooo cute and I love his character in the show :'D I support Chad x Sonny 'cause their relationship is like in manga (Y) Me and Ocha also tend to lol every single time Mackenzie Falls is mentioned/appears 'cause it's just just a funny name OK. I'm gunna be so deprived of TV when I move into the dorm ;__;

Left: Chad, I couldn't be bothered to find a better pic lol
Right: Cody /heart

I just realised their hairstyles are similar... But they both rock it well (Y)
Oh yes here's my new number; 7205611305, you have to add a +1 if you wanna sms or call OK ;) [as far as I remember lolz]
On the 13th of August we went on a road trip around Colorado! I listened to music the entire ride [and slept], I fell in love with Back-On's - Flower, it's a Japanese song but it's REALLY beautiful especially the lyrics. Here are my favourite segments:

[I] cannot honestly say “Thank you”…
[I] hate this part of myself.
It was only one word, but it could not come out of my mouth.
[I] am finding the exit inside my chest.

[I] cannot honestly say “Thank you”
The truth is I love you
No matter how much time passes
It will continue to bloom without change
Forever in this place, Flower.

AAAAAAAAA and when I listen to the song it makes me wanna cryy ;______;
Back to the road trip, we stopped by this Great Sand Dunes National Park for an hour or so, we didn't get to climb up 'cause it was too far. It was weird seeing dunes in a mountainy snowy place like Colorado o___O; But it reminded me of home T~T

The sky was continuously grey and cloudy [same thing?] but I liked that.

We stayed for a night in a random foresty town called Durango, it was a tourist destination but all I saw were rivers and lots of trees... There was this supermarket called Walgreens/Wallgreens and me and Ocha made the opposite - Floorreds, then we saw Subway and I was like 'what's the opposite of sub?' and she said 'raw' and I laughed so hard 'til I cried. I wonder if you guys get it. The next day we went to the Royal Gorge Bridge, I remember visiting that place but back then I wasn't scared of heights so now I kept wailing not wanting to cross but I did anyway with great fear especially when the bridge kept shaking. I reached the other end successfully anyway! :D The way back wasn't as creepy (Y) After riding the inclined train thingy, carousel [me not included] and mini train, we stayed for a night in a random town Idk the name of. I ate KFC (Y) fyi it's not as good as the one in Qatar and Indonesia ;__:
I got back to Denver yesterday and happily played my laptop and watched TV. Today I shopped for towels and bed items, freaking out intensely 'cause it's only 5 more days 'til I move in Weaver Towers [the name of my dorm]. I'm really scared and 1% excited. Oh and sorry this entry's longer than I intended to make it, hey it's 2 weeks' worth, you can't blame me [who reads this anyway?].

One Year Later

Well there was the family gathering that lasted from 11:30am 'til 3:00pm I believe, I tried my best to stay away from everyone by taking photos outside with Ocha and it pretty much worked so yeah.

Apparently CC was to visit the household so when the bell rang at 4 I happily walked outside to find those two trying to position their heads above the front gate - believe me it was SUCH a hilarious sight to see and I kept laughing. There was a sound coming from inside and Carisa went 'THERE'S A DOG?' and I replied 'NO THAT'S MY DAD SNEEZING' and again we exploded. It was the funniest thing ever. Obviously a meeting with the space sisters contains tons of laughter (Y)
We went in the room and they showed us pics from Singapore and stuff, also talked about BPP. At one point I showed CC a picture with Fajar in it and suddenly the satellite [Cania's supposed name] exclaimed 'Fajar is sexy' with that dumb tone of hers and we all went BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAA CANIAA and she was like NO I'M JOKING but we obviously knew that [nevertheless after desperate attempts I managed to twit the phrase].
From then on we did random things but out of the blue I had the idea for CC to try these bots in Facebook; FriendBot, GayBot, HotBot, etc. and it was the best idea I ever came up with because we HAD THE FUNNIEST AND FUNNEST TIME EVER. The phrase L WHAT NO EWAY was born due to excess typo, Cania got Ariq as no.1 crush, best friend AND husband and was ~*Destined*~ to have Fajar first in her HotBot results [I vigorously kept Cania away from the keyboard as Carisa typed her infamous statement]. Seriously, we had a blast. The laughter was Ron Stoppable [unstoppable].

Sadly after Maghrib CC had to go home T___T so we quickly did a re-do of an old photo courtesy mom's bad photography. I posted this one 'cause in the others I look bad D;

Wow, it's been 7 years.

Well after that me and Cania had planned to call Hamzah to ask him for the pronunciation of CHIVALRY so we did, even though the reason was stupid. Whatever, we got to hear each other's voices for the last time in the same continent (: I also spontaneously asked to talk to Umar. All I did was say Hi and then Bye [forgot the things inbetween but the conversation was so short]; Matar told me to speak more but I had no clue what else to talk about 'cause it's not like he WANTED to. Buuuuuuuuut, it was extremely nice to hear the Umar voice again, hehe~
It was finally time to part, I'm glad it was a proper one. Honestly after I hugged those awesome best friends of mine and said bye and stuff I wanted to cry but I stopped the watering in my eyes by smiling and waving. Back upstairs I watched Full House before packing up laptop-san and sleeping.

It's All a Fantasy

I KNEW THIS ENTRY WOULD BE FREAKIN LONG.

you can't tell what their relationship is

FANTASY WORLD, AKA DUNIA FANTASI, AKA DUFAN LIVES UP TO ITS NAME.

I will now tell you all a tale of somewhat sorrow, merriness and fantasy. To cut introduction short, I who previously thought going to Dufan was cancelled discovered from MD that we were actually going but we had to wait for dad to pick up her car from the bengkel which literally took hours. I was playing it cool by saying 'I don't mind going to Dufan, as long as there's a ride I want to' but inside I was like IF WE DON'T GO I'M GOING TO REGRET IT, I HAVE TO SEE FAJAR yada2. In the car we listened to SuJu's 3rd album (Y)

We were late. As we entered the tickets booth a thought suddenly struck me. WTH SHOULD I SAY? HOW SHOULD I GREET HIM? and other typical worry-wart Bs stuff. My heart started racing LIKE MAD like never before, I swear. It was gunna explode. I was so. fakin. nervous. I kept twitting in caps lock about how panicky, nervous and worried I was, that I felt like dying or better yet, GOING HOME. I seriously didn't want to be there anymore. But I couldn't turn back. So I kept smsing Hamzah my rants lolz. Felt good, 'cause he's my comfort zone person thing.
We finally walked inside, I could still feel the thunderous thumping [oo alliteration] in my chest. Me and Fajar haven't had a proper conversation since the 13th of April. So basically it's been 3.5 months. Of course it's natural for me to be nervous, right? Right. But when me and my sisters found them after a hideously long walk, the anxiety suddenly disappeared and I smiled and waved at him. He smiled back. Then we all started walking off and I grabbed his shoulder and hissed, 'Don't ignore me' 'cause all the way through the car ride I had a hunch he will.
WHICH HE SO FLIPPIN' DID. OMG right after I said that to him he walked off and simply GLUED to the other guys and kept a minimum 5 metre distance from me so I ended up talking to Iwan and then Izza who I immediately felt comfortable with even if it's been 2 years. My thoughts were swimming: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IGNORING ME MAN?; YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SMSED ME TO 'buru ksini' AND AND I KNOW YOU WANTED ME TO COME TODAY, SO WHY AM I BEING PEANUT-ED [dikacangin]??!! Stupid sms of liesss, LIES. He was so far away, I'm serious ;____;
Even when we were lining up for McDonald's. All of us 'cept Yayan and Fajar were lining up to order. I kept twitting and smsing EVEN TO UMAR TO ASK FOR ADVICE [which when I got home he replied to in twit 'cause he prolly didn't have credit, he told me to just have fun, gah why is he so nice]. When Fajar came in the restaurant Jangan Menyerah started playing and I was like fak this song; he only went in to talk to Afif and Iwan BLEEEEEH [by the way all I did as we lined up besides fiddling with my phone was converse with Yusmawan]. In the end I decided not to worry about that brat anymore, if he doesn't wanna talk to me then FINE trserah. I couldn't be bothered to waste my time again. Being the dreamer person I am, I started imagining what would happen if Hamzah was there, which was that I'd be in my most comfortable state ever talking to him /heart
We sat on the freakin' floor to eat. There were 6 chicken nuggets and medium fries for me but I couldn't finish the latter, sorry, was too full in the stomach and of leftover angst to consume any more. By the way Hiyal was supposed to come but she had lessons or whatever so she didn't. I don't know if my eyes were fooling me but once when I turned to my right which was where Fajar was sitting, he happened to be looking back, so basically our eyes met, but then I faced down immediately to continue eating and pondered if what just happened was what I thought it was.
After we all finished eating, people scurried off to do stuff Idk what. Since I was already done I had to wait but I didn't really know what to do until I heard that we were gunna play that alien shooting game thingy which was exactly the game I've been thinking about to compete with Fajar with. So...... I panicked again. I've been thinking of calling Hamzah since I arrived in that place but I knew he wouldn't care or say anything towards my problem so I thought of Arya who is like THE BEST GUY AND PERSON TO CURHAT WITH EVER especially of Fajar matters 'cause he's read all my jeremiads about him. That's when it hit me, I searched for Man has an Usia in my phone contacts and WOH HIS INDO NUMBER WAS FREAKIN THERE so I pressed call and ring ring......... HE FREAKIN PICKED UP!!!!!!! I WAS SO SURPRISED THAT NUMBER WAS STILL ALIVE!
Hearing his voice was so comforting/lega however you describe it. I started blabbing to him the entire story with major focus on my current problem. When I talk on the phone I tend to walk around a lot so that's what I did, for 12 minutes lol. The only advice Arya gave me was to just talk to Fajar before I totally regret everything later, which was the best thing to do really. Telling someone your worries really helps ;__; I wanted to keep the conversation going but suddenly the line went off and I realised my pulsa went from RP5000 or something to RP 2... Great.
Well anyway the girls came back and they were deliberating whether to really play the shooting game or not and that wasted time so after begging me and Izza just scurried off to line up. I was afraid nobody would join especially the idiot but when I turned around to check I found him following us by himself but he went back, to bring the others. Iwan didn't join us 'cause he wanted to keep Tante Siwi company awww, nice son (Y) Izza actually hates Super Junior but she likes Sorry Sorry so we listened to it from my iPod :'D The waiting took like 10 minutes or more and all we did was talk and take pictures. Fajar was of course paying attention to Afif who has better hair now.
OK, since I really DIDN'T wanna regret today, when we finally went inside the blue-lit building I grabbed Fajar's hoodie with no sweat and said something like 'Hey why are you ignoring me, I told you not to, emank enak ya cuekin Bs?' and then he replied 'Emank kenapa kalo dicuekin, ngga kiamat juga kan?' and my brain was thinking WELL IT ISN'T BUT IT SURE DOES FEEL THAT WAY, but before adding an evil comeback I think he said 'Lagian kamu cuekin aku/Fajar/gue juga' and then inside I went Wow Arya was right... Imagine if I didn't start, we would've ignored each other all day o___O; Even so, 'til now, I still don't know why he hasn't started first.
So finally I was talking to my long-lost best friend again after nearly 4 months. We had silences. It was never usually that way when we're together, 'cause those were comfortable, normal kinda silences. This one was a bit different. But I guess we did say a lot to each other. I was surprised when he suddenly asked 'Tadi nelfon siapa' and after I said 'Arya' he put on a teasing face and said 'Oh dikirain Umar' and I was like 'Hah no way'; OK that was random,and impossible, Umar?
I remembered from 2 years ago that Fajar was scared of roller coasters so I inquired about it to him and he said he was fine with them now so I planned to drag him to ride it later. I also remember that Fajar wanted to ride the Ferris Wheel and I was thinking 'WTF why would you wanna ride THAT?'. Since the line was long the things we said were of all sorts and I don't remember much but Izza joined us 2 when I was showing off the fact that I have a driver's license and she doesn't *evil laugh*. I do remember that I didn't let him see my SIM when Izza was speculating it and he thought 'oh, ga pake krudung ya'. When Izza was asking about Fajar's age he said 14 and I said 12, she didn't know who to believe so she was confirming really, 12? and I was like iyaaa 12; I expected Fajar to complain to me but he just said 'iya deh, [12]'.
102991020 hours later we got on the ride! I was sitting next to Fajar as I wished and we all started realising how boring and lame the game was after 3 minutes of shooting red dots, which coincidentally he and I kept aiming at the same one so my score was SO FREAKING LOW. I was also finally able to see his dorky side again when he took Afif's gun and his and started shooting everywhere xD Before getting off I asked for everybody's score and they did way better than me, even after Fajar saw it he laughed, so much for competition >.>
Outside, people went off to sholat and I discovered that ahoushi was flippin goin' home soon and I tried to persuade him to stay longer but he just snapped and said 'OMG, I can't OK' and stated his reasons. Really there was nothing we could do -x- I started to panic again and pleaded Icha for some credit, RP2000, so I could call Arya. After some minutes I hung up and decided to call Hamzah, it was soooooooooo nice hearing his voice again ;__; I wasn't even done with the call when it got shut off, I checked my pulsa again and it was RP 56 or something UGHH. Well anyway when I was done with my phone the people were going to some photo booth and I was like huh why are we taking a picture there? but I joined anyway.
Then it was off to Halilintar! Sadly the Sudarsana family had to wait for the photo to develop so we left them and Ocha and Hira there. I sat next to MD and freakin' rekamed the ride lolz and for once I opened my eyes throughout 8D We then had Ocha and Hira issues 'cause we couldn't find them at the previous area so basically they were missing - the Sudarsanas were too. Icha then found out that Tante Siwi and Iwan were riding the roller coaster also. When I asked about Fajar she said 'Lha kan Fajar takut' and I was like '... I thought he wasn't scared anymore...' and came to my own conclusion that he told me he wasn't so he'd appear more mature.
I was scared that those 3 would go home suddenly and therefore no proper goodbye, so when me and MD searched for the kids whilst Icha and co. went off to line up for Kora Kora and she called saying Fajar was already with them, I was relieved [wow that sentence was troublesome to type up]. After Ocha and Hira were found we took 'em to the ride, the others were already deep in the line, Fajar saw me and I must admit I like it when he looks at me, hahahaha. OK fine I like it when anyone looks at me in a err, amidst the crowd way [experienced it plenty of times with Hamzah and we reply with a Wth are you looking at? expression]. He said 'where's everyone else [or something like that], Bs?' and to myself I thought omg he said my name, it's been ages...... D':
The ride was scarier than I thought so I screamed :'D I was busy recording Izza and sometimes the others too, and I don't know again if my eyes were tricking me but at one time me and Fajar were looking at each other and he smiled at me in a warm way but according to my videos it wasn't recorded so it could just be my bad memory. But I'm sure I saw it. When we got off apparently Icha had been clutching Fajar's shoulders in fear even though he himself [I witnessed it] was closing his eyes but pretended not to be scared. In the ride his eyes were so red I swear xD
Well we then ventured to Niagara-gara. The girls were absorbed in conversation and I simply walked alone with Fajar behind me, silently wishing he would come up to me and talk. He got a phone call. When I turned around he was gone. We waited for his return but he appeared with Tante Siwi and Iwan too so I was guessing it's home time. It was only 6pm but he was meant to be gone by 3-ish so you don't know how thankful to God I was for the time extension. He got along well with Izza so he was joking around with her as Iwan presented me a plastic bag and in natural shock I said 'HEH THIS IS FOR ME? Thank you~' and they told me to look inside and I found a ceramic rectangle with that photo of us we took earlier! Apparently it was Tante Siwi's idea I think so I thanked her to bits. It was such a nice and unexpected gift ;__;
After FajWanZza had a picture together I took out Hamzah's badges which I'm really sad I couldn't present them to him myself then told Fajar 'Hey give this to Hamzah OK, jangan sampe ketinggalan!' and he looked at me and said 'Hadiahnya Fajar/aku gimana?' so that's when I finally presented him the gift I've been preparing for him for like ages. He stared at the plastic wrapping which had an Animonster Posterbook sticker on it with one eyebrow raised and I simply ranted 'Hahah sorry I didn't have time to wrap it properly, by the way DON'T open it 'til you get home and DON'T open it in front of other people, OK, and oh yeah it's not finished sorry and it's memalukan to give it to you but yeah' bla3. I think he grinned and said thanks and started walking towards the exit with his family. His mother was speaking to him and the boy pointed at the present and then at me o___O; They were going the wrong way so I said that. I also said bye to that idiot and honestly don't remember at all how he replied. MD was like 'did you guys hug?' and I wanted to have been drinking something so I could spit it on her face, but I just spluttered in disbelief and said 'WTH NO AS IF'. The rest of us continued to Niagara-gara and I turned around to look at him for the last time, but I only saw his back walking away, a view I've countlessly seen millions of times when we used to fight.
Even though we were 2 people short we still acted dumb and had fun anyway. I forgot to mention that the real Steve was there and you don't know how badly I tried to hold in my laughter 'cause I remembered Nisa and thought of how funny it would be if she was there with us, so we could BOTH lol together. Niagara-gara had such a long line so we went in the mirror house and then rode the dumb Istana Boneka thingy in which Yayan and Izza kept walking on the stage lolz. Oh yeah and Icha kept telling Afif to take photos, seriously I don't know HOW he obeyed her orders every single time but that makes him a nice, obedient brother/guy. After that ride we went on the mini coaster which was SO MUCH FUN because it zoomed 3x faster than before, but my hips hurt. Then stupidly enough we rode the CAROUSEL which I've been neglecting since the age of 8 or something.
When that was over with we wanted to ride the Ferris Wheel 'cause there was gunna be a fireworks show but the line was too long [I bet couples raided it] so we bought Hop Hop. However as soon as we finished ordering we heard explosions! so me, Izza and Afif left our siblings to pick up the drinks and ran off to find a good spot to view works of fire. Afif was taking pictures of Izza by force whilst I took only 2 and suddenly stopped when I took a good look at how pretty and romantic? everything was - the colourful fireworks blasting against the black sky and its reflection glimmering on the lake in front of me, and how empty the dark place we were standing in was. After taking in all of that, I thought of only one person I wished was there with me.
Well since Izza's driver was mad at her 'cause he had to wait for so long, we went home at 7:30-ish. My legs were dying but I had loads of energy to sing along to SuJu in the car ;D Back at home though I lazily lied in bed laptoping only to have my parents suddenly barging in telling me to sort out my luggage and I got extremely pissed off. My back was gunna break! To make it worse, my laptop fell again... Before I went to bed I blogged.

So that was my day at Dufan. It wasn't what my mind has been thinking about but I'm just really really thankful to spend like 4+ hours with Fajar again. I wanted to, you know, have a somehow personal conversation together, as in talking about our summer and other issues I won't display in public, but we never had one, which pretty much ruins 1/4 of a section of my Dream Dufan Day. I've always daydreamed about it since the start of summer and sincerely inserted no exaggeration at all. But well, that's my life.

Carisa, Cania, Umar, Hamzah, you guys could've been in that picture ;__;
p.s. all of the above was 3019 words, if you managed to read the entire thing then thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks

Please Message Syania

Wednesday 29th July 2009

After I woke up I immediately watched Unbelieveable Outing. So I stayed in bed all day literally. My Eeteuk hate has been maturing even more since then. It's such a hilarious show, really - the guy wanted to say mother effer but said mother father instead XDXDXD and instead of son of a biatch, he said sunglasses beach LOLOLOL. And once when they had an episode in the English village they translated Sungmin's name into SEX PEOPLE because Min can also mean sex HAAHAHAHA. I kept laughing. Here's another killer:

"Get out."
'Be a little nicer'
"Please, please get out."
'Okay we'll use fluent English'
"Sayonara baby"

Whilst watching me and Nisa chatted about pacarans which we dislike the intimacy of. I honestly want a boyfriend myself 'cause I know I won't do creepy things lolz but don't worry I'll never get one anyway. Besides it's nearly 4 months since I've liked him KHEIHEKHEIHIE. At night me and my sisters watched Explorers of the Human Body (:

Thursday 30th July 2009
My dream was freakin' weird but I liked it. I returned to my old school but it wasn't QIS at all. It was grey and shiny and pro-looking-er =P However Hamzah was there. Infact, the dream was about me and him taking photos together in the school. Makes me think about photography club .__. I had a new camera which was smaller than Steve [my DSLR] o___O; Sadly after I went to fetch it and met up with him again the dream switched to something about Sungmin's shoes and how Donghae and Shindong are mirip 'cause their name has DONG in them, right. Oh yeah in the school I bumped into Dinda who Hamzah said joins modelling club and he was the photographer........ *stares*
Today I went to Plaza Senayan with mother and Ocha. It wasn't as boring as I thought it would be, there was an art exhibition and me and my little sister had fun making fun of some of the works 'cause they looked noobish. Then we went in Metro [they had Sum41 music on lolz] where I browsed through many pretty clothes which I really wish I could wear but with a body like mine it's impossible. After a long while we finally went to Senayan City to eat lunch with dad and bla3. I forgot what I did at home =\

Friday 31st July 2009
I became graphical and made an icon and signature for SJ-World :'D

OK so today was the day of confirmation if people could go to Dufan or not, right. I haven't blogged about it yet but ever since Hamzah smsed me with that bad news on Monday 27th July, I've become emo [not like I haven't been this entire summer; I mean I hardly go emo 'cause of that guy anymore you see]. And like, yesterday.. or maybe since that day, I honestly wanted him to apologise. Then today at 3pm I checked my e-mail and saw one from him. It was... well it did make me feel better but I cried and I REALLY don't know why OK. I just did. Sometimes my emotions don't make sense...
At night me and my family and relatives went out to eat at a fish restaurant which took 1 hour to drive to. I saw a rat in the err, got thingy and it was cute. I kept checking my HP for any new smses or twits, sigh. When I got home Iwan called begging me and MD to go to Dufan 'cause the numbers were lacking but I thought we shouldn't. Besides, my mom really disapproved of the idea. I thought to myself that the day I've always dreamt of won't ever come true. Before I went to bed which was at 2AM, I SuJu fangirled and stuff. I discovered some fanboys who have bad taste.