oh and another thing

Let me just say that whatever [personal thing] I say on Twitter or Tumblr or Blogger is never ever to catch anyone's attention. I don't say things so that people will go Syania what's wrong? or Syania who are you talking about? I do it because that's just how I work. You choose to care or not care. My mind is overflowed with billions of thoughts and dreams and my heart with feelings. It is not pleasant to keep everything in. If you wish to do something when I'm being down or seem as if I'm directing my words at you then do so because that would be really nice and I still want to know which humans out there are loving and caring.

K the other point about this entry is uhh, well, bits and pieces of things I've been thinking about that I want to pour out [thank the period].

Sometimes on Twitter I see people say things... that I think others should respond to. Like I saw Dinda talk about having a fight with someone? I was backtracking and I realised that nobody said anything to her after that. Now as I said earlier, she probably doesn't expect anyone to but still, don't you think she needs support? It was too late for me to say Dinda I hope things get better so I didn't. And another thing, when people show things to us through links... I find it sad when noone comments about them ~.~ I think a small LOL or whatever is a nice enough deed. Nobody wants to feel ignored ):

Oh I'll also declare this - I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE REPLY TO TWITS WITH RT'S AFTER THEM. Reason quite clear.

Another thing... How does it feel when someone you love or... like... trusts you and talks about you in public and thinks a lot about you and you know it? From what I remember... it makes me happy but heartwrenched a bit. When Fajar used to be important and my best friend forever, I remember seeing him talk about me in his PMs or statuses, I remember Adam telling me that he talks to him about me a lot and bla3. And when I saw and heard such things, I felt glad he still cares, but the problem was... it was hard to do anything about it. I knew that if I did something, everything will be alright but I did nothing, for a long time. Time dragged on. And most of the time it had to be him to start. When he did, we were back to normal and I had tend to wonder what would've happened if I took action earlier. Even though as of this moment I still know such feelings, I haven't learned how to do the right thing about it. Actually, I know what to do, but I can't do it. Even if I also know that the other side [slightly] feels the same way. It's my current problem. I think it's mainly because I'm scared. partly because I'm stupid. and a little bit because I wish I'm the one being ran after and held on to when caught.

Ahh so many things running in my mind I wish I could stop. It gets in the way of college stuff plus my general mood... stupid period with the bad timing ~__~

idk lol

I suddenly felt like blogging. Well, could've done this at Tumblr but I have 77 followers and I feel awkward typing about private things there [+ doing so in Indonesian isn't comfortable] ... so I went here. I reached the dorm at 12am-ish 'cause there were 3 other people in my bus and driving them to their living areas took 2 hours ): I discovered that we have 2 new suitemates and I haven't met them yet but saw one of them pass by my room. I wasn't sleepy yet so I stayed up 'til 6:40AM backtracking sites and fangirling as usual, then went to bed. I woke up at 2:30pm and I have my period so it's OK but because of that I feel really, really exhausted than I should be. Or maybe I already am? I just want to stay in bed but apparently I have to get these forms for my registration; you see, some of my classes clash so I need written permission from the professor to let me take the class at a different time. It's so ribet and it sucks sorting it alone but I have God to help me. I was meant to do that today but Maghrib's in 1 hour and I don't want to go out in the dark. I was also meant to go to the supermarket but like I said, I'm exhausted. And I don't wanna overuse my energy when tomorrow's the 1st day. I'm scared and nervous just like I was in the Fall semester. Why? Obvious. New semester = new classes = new people. In college you don't see the same people every term unless you organise your schedules together. Hopefully this term I can actually make real friends. Ever since I went to Qatar I've been learning more things about Islam and basically grew more religious alhamdulillah and I decided that I will be positive and hopeful this time. I have returned to the US as a better person, amin. I will try not to bitch about being lonely. I will try not to be depressed every single day. I will continue praying and hoping and trusting and seeking help from God. If any of you bothered reading this I wish you would support and pray a little for me too. It's still extremely hard to live here ):

p.s. I think I'll just stay in my room for the rest of the day

apex of sneezes

i made this private in my tumblr so it doesn't appear on my page so i'll post it here too |D

me: well, no more hugs for the next 4 months
dhia: cie, hugs from whoo @biiesh ? haha
me: @imdhia kekekkekekeekekekekeke
dhia: hayoo @biiesh , fajar ya? apa @Jimprz? ngakuuu! haha
me: @imdhia jaaaah mereka, g lah g lah, si itu lho yg satunya ;)
dhia: @biiesh oooh kembaranya jimp.... HEHEHE. peluk bi sana peluk sosor, wkwk
me: @imdhia HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAA g akan [eh peluk sosor apaan?]
dhia: @biiesh sosor itu kaya... tiba2 gitu loh. hehe tiba2 nyium. wkwk :P
me: @imdhia PFFFFFFFFFFFFFT
umar: /sneeze
dhia: @biiesh kenapa PFFFFT? blm pernah sih, enak lho. HAHAHAHAH :P
me: @rreizend i know why you typed that @imdhia woo enak? se-gimana? HAHAHA
umar: @biiesh LOL (irl) you do you? xD
dhia: @biiesh WAHAHAH. cie @rreizend merasa diomongin ya (emg diomongin sih). ya gt bi enak, mkanya cobain. ngomong seenak jidat kaya makanan aja
me: @rreizend what's with the repetition of you?! HAHAH i made you LOL (irl) keke and yes i do? try me?
me: @imdhia "ngomong seenak jidat kaya makanan aja" G NGERTI DHI AHAHAHA. ehh kan harus di approve dia dulu LOLOLOL i'm dead meat
umar: @biiesh geh. i meant "you do do you?"
umar: RT: @biiesh: WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAA OOOOOOH WHOAAA UWOWHOA BIG BANG, NO BRAIN
dhia: @biiesh hha aku blg 'enak' when we were actually talking about sosor2an kan? aku blg 'enak'gampang bgt gitu, as if im saying enak to makanan
dhia: OKE @biiesh why are we even talking about inappropriate things? haha (aku yg mulai sih) :P
me: @imdhia AAAAAAH RIBET LOLOLOL @rreizend hahah yes yes you know that i know
me: @imdhia b.cuz inappropriate things are SCANDALous ;)
me: SARAENGHAE CHINGGUYEO!!! /disrupts household peace
umar: srsly, i was going to find th lyrics for this climax. @_@RT: @biiesh: SARAENGHAE CHINGGUYEO!!! /disrupts household peace
dhia: @biiesh THEY'RE GUILTY PLEASURES too ya knooooow .__________.
me: @rreizend oh homeboy when will you learn that we're destined to face coincidences
dhia: @rreizend yaharmukallah :D knp? ada yg ngomongin ya? HAHHA
umar: lol scandalous is a name of a scandal blog xDDD RT: @biiesh: @imdhia b.cuz inappropriate things are SCANDALous ;)
umar: @imdhia xD LOL tahu dri mana klo bersin di omongin org?
me: @rreizend how about they make an entry about us? now THAT'S SCANDALous ;) ;) /laughing so hard on the inside
dhia: @rreizend ahah ga sih, iseng aja twingtwing
me: @rreizend LOL DUDE that's what i meant when i said i know why you sneezed XD
umar: im saying this from my apex (get it.. apex is th bottom of your heart.. heheh)
me: apex is the bottom of your heart?! but i googled and it said it's the highest point of something! @rreizend
umar: @biiesh lol i know tht, im asking her how does she know this Px
umar: @biiesh apex of heart
me: @rreizend she said was just iseng2? apex of heart... what's that? D: D: i don't take bio
umar: @biiesh sorry xD i meant "search apex of heart"
me: OMG LOLOL HOMEBOY @RREIZEND SAID TO ME "SEARCH APEX OF HEART" AND I LITERALLY TYPED "SEARCH APEX OF HEART" ON GOOGLE
umar: @biiesh abt tht scandalous, u do know i was talking abt SCANDAL right? x) (just askin jusat askin)
me: @rreizend JUSAT ASKIN SOUNDS LIKE A NAME LMFAO. and of course i know you were talkin about ~*SCANDAL*~ but did you know i was joking?!
umar: @biiesh yea, kinda..

contemplate

Whenever she wakes up in the morning, she looks at her mobile and sees the time. When enough sleep is preserved, her eyes stay awake until it's time to shut them again for deep slumber. Every early hour of the day, the girl walks up to her window and stares outside. Sometimes she remains like that for a few seconds and it can go up to minutes, but never hours. She simply sits on the couch and watches the purple and pink sky, gradually forming a pretty shade of blue. When all was visible was coloured nothingness, she sighs and leaves, but if there were puffs of white clouds, or signs of the moon or rays peeping out, she stays.

Maybe sometimes the girl would bother stepping out the door with her camera, the sacred object that allows her to capture every vivid moment of a sunrise. Each one is different. There are never the same shaped clouds, the way beams sprinted from the great ball of fire varied, it always changes. And she would enjoy it all. The girl would tamper with buttons and lenses after every tens of clicks and nods of satisfaction. She may go as far as climbing up the ladder to the rooftop, because the buildings blocked that whispy cloud over there, or the palm trees quite destroyed the empty look she was aiming for. When she is done, she stares at the beauty she has managed to still, unlike the happy memories from her past.

When she goes to the park, empty cans and plastics litter the fresh cut grass. She puts away her camera and intends to dispose of them in the respected places, but she remembers the task of those obliged to do such activities. Instead of ringing the strap around her neck and hoisting black bulk on her small hands again, she blinks and stares at what is in front and not below her. There are miniature towers of wood, with vegetation growing out of the little windows. They were spread out along the vast green as if they would harm each other when brought into smaller perimeters. The girl observes as some would have bellies, or depriving of them, thus seemingly anorexic. She loves how the flowers are arranged so neatly in few areas but are of enough colour to form a small masterpiece and how the ripples on the lake are uniform and just the fact that traces of mankind are absent, most of the time. It is just her and the sky and the ground and the trees. Simple beauty so difficult to enrapture human hearts.

One day, she wakes up with the inability to see.

After tens to millions of repeated rubbing of her eyelids, she realises she is blind. The girl stumbles her way out of the covers, feels the walls and doors and obstacles with her vigorously trembling fingers and discovers her way to her comfort spot. The couch, an ordinary household essential, but meaningful. She gropes for the curtains and jerks them sideways, pleading and begging, but all she could perceive was black, just black. Like she was in a galaxy with no stars. She fears the consequences, so she holds back oceans of tears. Sitting there like a display mannequin, she wonders. She looks - although that verb may be hopeless from now on - outside, if that is even the right direction and shatters at the realisation that nature is no longer hers to admire.

It seems like eternity as she finally decides to stand up and attempt to walk to the door. The girl reaches for the handle and after grasping it, she takes a deep, long breath and blinks in her head. There should be many reasons for her to keep her eyesight, but destiny matter of factly chose the girl to lose it. She does not know why. Then she opens the door and tilts her head up, eyes curious at the sight - however, after an instant, she just knew - Like rain, that is just how life goes.

_________________

LOL this is what people who overthink come up with. That should answer any possible questions you may have. Intended to make a "happy ending" but instead...

i'll write depressing things and if anyone reads nobody cares

Well this is not how I wanted my first entry in half a year to be like, but I couldn't possibly type about my small 20 minutes at school in Tumblr. Posts about QIS solely belong to this dear blog, no matter how sad.

When I stepped out of the house the first thing I noticed was the clouds. They were whispy and long and thin and you don't see them like that in Colorado, ever. I thought about bringing my camera but remembered that MD took it with her to Indo. Before that however I thought about Hamzah; I swear everytime I see pretty clouds, no matter where in the world I am, he pops in my brain. The reason why is pretty clear

In the car I just. stared at the sky. imagining things that will never happen as usual, oh I don't know, like going outside this evening and somehow miraculously talking to him again. Hello. Hey2~ The clouds are so nice today. I know right? Can I borrow your camera prz MD took mine to Indo. Oh OK, what for? Idk, she has this free elective for photography. OMG so lucky of her. Yeah I know. Btw I wanna go up the rooftop. But we can't go just the two of us... Dude OF COURSE I know that, that's why I'm going alone. Wait2 ok I won't be long sorry. I can't believe I'm 17 and still daydream shit like that.

I arrived at school early. I watched everyone come out of the buildings and my heart wrenched. I wished I was still walking out like them, and not walking in. When people saw me, after we hugged, most asked, why are you here? 'Scuse me for being easily butthurt but that offended me. A lot. Is it wrong to just wanna see your friends? What other reason could there be. If only they said, glad to see you here at school again ^^ instead. But I forget the sort of fate a person like me receives.

School was different. Maybe. I didn't like it. I know Carisa and Dinda have afterschool activity together but I didn't expect to see them actually sticking to each other like that before leaving with Umar to wherever, a little less late than I preferred. Matar, won't you stay and talk to me even for a few more minutes? Dhe3 disappeared without saying bye, Cania was 4 minutes early to go to her activity - Cania, why do you have to go so early? Don't you wanna see me? Sorry of course I want to see you! But I really need to go... Fine, bye. I'm not gunna come here everyday you know. And he didn't look at me.

I don't know whether people have started dispersing now or simply because today's Monday and everyone has activities or it's just always like that since the beginning of the 2009-2010 school year. In the end, I stayed 'til 1 past talking to Dhea and Nisa and Marsya and Amsyiah, the former invited me over to her house but she will be having exams so I declined.

I walked to the car after saying bye and only saw Ocha, Anty and Salmaniye. Mom, what about Salman? He'll go with Tante Ita. Kenapa ga sekalian bareng aja? Katanya mau kerumah Fadhli dulu. Oh. And Khalid was in Fajar's car.

It was a hard task, trying to hide away the fact you're crying from your mom who was sitting next to you and your sister who could see you from the rearview mirror. Simply put, I didn't expect my visit to school to end up so lonely and unwelcomed. I stared down at my iPod and held my forehead with my hand so mom wouldn't discover. The clouds started to disappear and I skipped all the K-Pop, the J-Rock, the happy, upbeat songs and cursed to myself and shouted on the inside how much I wanted to die. Nak, kecilin volumenya, kekerasan. No. I want to shut out the stupid world.

We were at the petrol station and my mom and sister went to the mini mart. I looked up and realised I was alone and the car was being filled up. My heart stopped and so did my tears and I realised. I could die right now, if the tank blows up. Suddenly a scene of mom and Ocha walking out of the shop watching their car bursting into flames appeared in my brain and I started praying like hell I'll be fine, hurry up and come back here, I regret wishing to die. I regret it. God I am so fuckin paranoid. This is why I want to be in a mental hospital where nothing can bother me except insanity. My arms were actually shaking when I typed that.

Maybe there's no point in visiting school anymore. There's gunna be no more Quality Bs/Hamzah Time anyway. Not even dancing to K-Pop songs with the girls, or commenting on the boys and talking about teachers and what happened that day.

At home at around 4 I remembered and looked out the window to find a clear sky. Fckin stupid daydreams.