Well this is not how I wanted my first entry in half a year to be like, but I couldn't possibly type about my small 20 minutes at school in Tumblr. Posts about QIS solely belong to this dear blog, no matter how sad.
When I stepped out of the house the first thing I noticed was the clouds. They were whispy and long and thin and you don't see them like that in Colorado, ever. I thought about bringing my camera but remembered that MD took it with her to Indo. Before that however I thought about Hamzah; I swear everytime I see pretty clouds, no matter where in the world I am, he pops in my brain. The reason why is pretty clear
In the car I just. stared at the sky. imagining things that will never happen as usual, oh I don't know, like going outside this evening and somehow miraculously talking to him again. Hello. Hey2~ The clouds are so nice today. I know right? Can I borrow your camera prz MD took mine to Indo. Oh OK, what for? Idk, she has this free elective for photography. OMG so lucky of her. Yeah I know. Btw I wanna go up the rooftop. But we can't go just the two of us... Dude OF COURSE I know that, that's why I'm going alone. Wait2 ok I won't be long sorry. I can't believe I'm 17 and still daydream shit like that.
I arrived at school early. I watched everyone come out of the buildings and my heart wrenched. I wished I was still walking out like them, and not walking in. When people saw me, after we hugged, most asked, why are you here? 'Scuse me for being easily butthurt but that offended me. A lot. Is it wrong to just wanna see your friends? What other reason could there be. If only they said, glad to see you here at school again ^^ instead. But I forget the sort of fate a person like me receives.
School was different. Maybe. I didn't like it. I know Carisa and Dinda have afterschool activity together but I didn't expect to see them actually sticking to each other like that before leaving with Umar to wherever, a little less late than I preferred. Matar, won't you stay and talk to me even for a few more minutes? Dhe3 disappeared without saying bye, Cania was 4 minutes early to go to her activity - Cania, why do you have to go so early? Don't you wanna see me? Sorry of course I want to see you! But I really need to go... Fine, bye. I'm not gunna come here everyday you know. And he didn't look at me.
I don't know whether people have started dispersing now or simply because today's Monday and everyone has activities or it's just always like that since the beginning of the 2009-2010 school year. In the end, I stayed 'til 1 past talking to Dhea and Nisa and Marsya and Amsyiah, the former invited me over to her house but she will be having exams so I declined.
I walked to the car after saying bye and only saw Ocha, Anty and Salmaniye. Mom, what about Salman? He'll go with Tante Ita. Kenapa ga sekalian bareng aja? Katanya mau kerumah Fadhli dulu. Oh. And Khalid was in Fajar's car.
It was a hard task, trying to hide away the fact you're crying from your mom who was sitting next to you and your sister who could see you from the rearview mirror. Simply put, I didn't expect my visit to school to end up so lonely and unwelcomed. I stared down at my iPod and held my forehead with my hand so mom wouldn't discover. The clouds started to disappear and I skipped all the K-Pop, the J-Rock, the happy, upbeat songs and cursed to myself and shouted on the inside how much I wanted to die. Nak, kecilin volumenya, kekerasan. No. I want to shut out the stupid world.
We were at the petrol station and my mom and sister went to the mini mart. I looked up and realised I was alone and the car was being filled up. My heart stopped and so did my tears and I realised. I could die right now, if the tank blows up. Suddenly a scene of mom and Ocha walking out of the shop watching their car bursting into flames appeared in my brain and I started praying like hell I'll be fine, hurry up and come back here, I regret wishing to die. I regret it. God I am so fuckin paranoid. This is why I want to be in a mental hospital where nothing can bother me except insanity. My arms were actually shaking when I typed that.
Maybe there's no point in visiting school anymore. There's gunna be no more Quality Bs/Hamzah Time anyway. Not even dancing to K-Pop songs with the girls, or commenting on the boys and talking about teachers and what happened that day.
At home at around 4 I remembered and looked out the window to find a clear sky. Fckin stupid daydreams.
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