IS BLOGGER DEAD?
well, my blog is. might post from time to time,
but like now i'm just active on twitter and tumblr
[and Facebook and Deviantart duh]
Sunday, 27 September 2009
what is...
Friday, 18 September 2009
love?
a best friend?
a true friend?
the truth?
I don't understand any of the above anymore.
I think I've lost all of them.
Someone I thought was my best friend....
Someone I thought I was really in love with, specially that smile of his...
Something I thought I could believe was the truth...
People I thought were true to me...
Do they still exist in my life, my heart?
Has everything I've ever gotten been taken away from me?
this is why my heart is slowly getting emptier
i really don't know what i have now. i want them back.
Sunday, 13 September 2009
maybe if my parents listened, if i wasn't so intelligent, i would be sitting on a desk with sunlight pouring on the sheet of paper in front of me, as i draw with my asian classmates, right now.
Loneliness is the Worst Disease.
Saturday, 12 September 2009
I may not have a future, but if I do, I want to spend it like that with you
I feel like blogging about sad things, 'cause happy things are currently and has often always been non-existent since I came here.
I like this town. It's green, cute, friendly and beautiful. Education wise, classes aren't so bad either, I just don't bother doing my homework. The only thing that makes me feel like I'm better off dead everyday is the fact I'm always alone. I THINK I have friends. Nadiah is a friend, no doubt. Maybe Radi is too. And Fielda. But I'm still alone. I don't hang out with them and hardly talk to them, let alone see them. I know that great friendships come naturally. It happened with me and Nisa, Fajar, Hamzah, lots of people. But I've been here for 3 weeks and nothing is progressing. Sometimes I wonder if I'm SUPPOSED to try and MAKE friends instead of waiting for things to flow like I used to. However, I don't know how to make new friends, by myself. I can't start a conversation with someone I'm not close with. I just can't. I don't even know if I'll ever talk to my classmates 'cause they either already have their own buddies, stay quiet or are totally disinterested in me. Is it because I wear the hijab so they don't wanna approach me? What does my face express, that I wanna be alone? No, I don't. Being the new kid is tough, nearly everyone felt that way before. I wish someone would realise how uncomfortable I am in such a status. Life sucks without friends. When I'm not with Nadiah and classes are over, my room is where I go. There's nowhere else to be. Noone to go anywhere with. Will there be a time when I'll play in Denver with someone every weekend, when I'll eat lunch with a friend everyday, when I can call up a mate and do homework together, will there? You'd probably say of course there will, you just have to wait, everything will be fine and you'll get used to it. I'd probably agree too. But I keep reminding myself that this is life and only Allah knows what will happen to me. My fate has been decided and it's up to me to walk through it. I pray for ages so much that I will be happy and make great friends here. I really do. Praying is the only thing I have to give me hope. I honestly wish not to care if I get low passing grades in my class. I just wanna be happier. I just wanna experience remarkable friendships again like I did in Qatar.
I also tend to imagine what it would be like if I moved to Indonesia instead of here. I'd either be in Jakarta or Bandung, living with MD or in a dorm also. At least with other Indonesian girls. I don't know why back then I didn't wanna move to Indonesia, I think life there would've been great. I really do have a lot of regrets, and it's always too late when I realise what the right thing to do is. If I was Indonesia, could I be hanging out at the mall right now with friends eating bakso or something? Or even fangirl about Super Junior with my roommates? Or even enjoying life?
Of course, nothing will ever beat my life back at Sekompond, which is where I wish I am, doing Year 13, maybe things would be different as of this moment. NOTHING. I think about my friends over there constantly, wishing I was with them, or that they were with me, sitting in the campus's green field talking or taking photos, riding the bus to downtown where we can shop together or even living in the same dorm as me so we'd meet up everytime. At home we wouldn't play outside much anymore but at least we'd get to see each other in events and definitely school. At least I would laugh 'til I cry each time I play with them and feel loved, things like that are guaranteed over there. Even if I get miserable 'cause of another fight with Fajar and ignore him for days, at least I still have other friends to go to. And things will be fine later on 'cause we always make up. I wouldn't have to feel indifferent because I wear a hijab because I'm with other Muslims too. I'd be safe and comfortable. Hey, do you guys feel the same? Do you guys wish I was still there, visible in your sight everyday? Do you guys wish we can laugh and spend time together again? I'm not the only one feeling this way right? I know I am continuously clinging to my past. I carry it with me to the present. I still communicate with everyone, wish we'll meet again and look at videos and pictures of those times. It's just, something that good you just can't let go of even if it makes you cry a lot; that's what I believe in. It's the same with people. There are 2 specific that makes my sad life a whole lot worse. Even if we're 8000 miles apart and all they do is hurt me even though I care, I still hold on to them. You could be thinking, well why the hell should I do that? I wanna be happy right, so why keep something that makes me miserable? It's because we have moments and memories dating back from about 4 years ago. Because of that, those 2 people are special to me and I want to keep things going. And it's also obviously because I love them. You just can't stop feelings for someone or end things with them only because you're separated. That's not right. Instead you should continue what you started, if they happen to be really important to you. Which they are. So if you happen to be reading, please know that I want us to be exactly like before. And I always think about you.
Terus berdoa, they say. I do that. I want to keep doing that. Percaya sama Allah. I always do, of course. But I think the devil is possessing me 'cause when I'm in a breakdown which is at least 5x a week, I really do feel like dying. Wouldn't it be great if I finished Ramadan with lots of pahala, have God forgive all my previous sins and then die? Life couldn't get more complete than that. If you're guaranteed a place in Heaven immediately, doesn't your wanting to be dead reach its highest point? You wouldn't need to continue life any longer. Plus I'd get to meet Him. I'm sure my will to die is a bad thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. Besides pray. God, I'm sorry. Astaghfirullahaladzhim. God, I hope my prayers will come true. Amin.
I like this town. It's green, cute, friendly and beautiful. Education wise, classes aren't so bad either, I just don't bother doing my homework. The only thing that makes me feel like I'm better off dead everyday is the fact I'm always alone. I THINK I have friends. Nadiah is a friend, no doubt. Maybe Radi is too. And Fielda. But I'm still alone. I don't hang out with them and hardly talk to them, let alone see them. I know that great friendships come naturally. It happened with me and Nisa, Fajar, Hamzah, lots of people. But I've been here for 3 weeks and nothing is progressing. Sometimes I wonder if I'm SUPPOSED to try and MAKE friends instead of waiting for things to flow like I used to. However, I don't know how to make new friends, by myself. I can't start a conversation with someone I'm not close with. I just can't. I don't even know if I'll ever talk to my classmates 'cause they either already have their own buddies, stay quiet or are totally disinterested in me. Is it because I wear the hijab so they don't wanna approach me? What does my face express, that I wanna be alone? No, I don't. Being the new kid is tough, nearly everyone felt that way before. I wish someone would realise how uncomfortable I am in such a status. Life sucks without friends. When I'm not with Nadiah and classes are over, my room is where I go. There's nowhere else to be. Noone to go anywhere with. Will there be a time when I'll play in Denver with someone every weekend, when I'll eat lunch with a friend everyday, when I can call up a mate and do homework together, will there? You'd probably say of course there will, you just have to wait, everything will be fine and you'll get used to it. I'd probably agree too. But I keep reminding myself that this is life and only Allah knows what will happen to me. My fate has been decided and it's up to me to walk through it. I pray for ages so much that I will be happy and make great friends here. I really do. Praying is the only thing I have to give me hope. I honestly wish not to care if I get low passing grades in my class. I just wanna be happier. I just wanna experience remarkable friendships again like I did in Qatar.
I also tend to imagine what it would be like if I moved to Indonesia instead of here. I'd either be in Jakarta or Bandung, living with MD or in a dorm also. At least with other Indonesian girls. I don't know why back then I didn't wanna move to Indonesia, I think life there would've been great. I really do have a lot of regrets, and it's always too late when I realise what the right thing to do is. If I was Indonesia, could I be hanging out at the mall right now with friends eating bakso or something? Or even fangirl about Super Junior with my roommates? Or even enjoying life?
Of course, nothing will ever beat my life back at Sekompond, which is where I wish I am, doing Year 13, maybe things would be different as of this moment. NOTHING. I think about my friends over there constantly, wishing I was with them, or that they were with me, sitting in the campus's green field talking or taking photos, riding the bus to downtown where we can shop together or even living in the same dorm as me so we'd meet up everytime. At home we wouldn't play outside much anymore but at least we'd get to see each other in events and definitely school. At least I would laugh 'til I cry each time I play with them and feel loved, things like that are guaranteed over there. Even if I get miserable 'cause of another fight with Fajar and ignore him for days, at least I still have other friends to go to. And things will be fine later on 'cause we always make up. I wouldn't have to feel indifferent because I wear a hijab because I'm with other Muslims too. I'd be safe and comfortable. Hey, do you guys feel the same? Do you guys wish I was still there, visible in your sight everyday? Do you guys wish we can laugh and spend time together again? I'm not the only one feeling this way right? I know I am continuously clinging to my past. I carry it with me to the present. I still communicate with everyone, wish we'll meet again and look at videos and pictures of those times. It's just, something that good you just can't let go of even if it makes you cry a lot; that's what I believe in. It's the same with people. There are 2 specific that makes my sad life a whole lot worse. Even if we're 8000 miles apart and all they do is hurt me even though I care, I still hold on to them. You could be thinking, well why the hell should I do that? I wanna be happy right, so why keep something that makes me miserable? It's because we have moments and memories dating back from about 4 years ago. Because of that, those 2 people are special to me and I want to keep things going. And it's also obviously because I love them. You just can't stop feelings for someone or end things with them only because you're separated. That's not right. Instead you should continue what you started, if they happen to be really important to you. Which they are. So if you happen to be reading, please know that I want us to be exactly like before. And I always think about you.
Terus berdoa, they say. I do that. I want to keep doing that. Percaya sama Allah. I always do, of course. But I think the devil is possessing me 'cause when I'm in a breakdown which is at least 5x a week, I really do feel like dying. Wouldn't it be great if I finished Ramadan with lots of pahala, have God forgive all my previous sins and then die? Life couldn't get more complete than that. If you're guaranteed a place in Heaven immediately, doesn't your wanting to be dead reach its highest point? You wouldn't need to continue life any longer. Plus I'd get to meet Him. I'm sure my will to die is a bad thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. Besides pray. God, I'm sorry. Astaghfirullahaladzhim. God, I hope my prayers will come true. Amin.
I miss you and I'm afraid those words are the only proof I can show you of how I feel.
No, I Don't Go Underground
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Where I am blogging from right now, Alderson Hall [sorry for the bad quality]
So, any of you wondering why I haven't been blogging? If there is/are, I'm surprised, genuinely. To put it simply, I don't think I'll be posting a lot of entries anymore like I used to. And the reason is equally as simple - if you want to know what's happening in my US life, all you have to do is open up a chat with me in MSN or even call in Skype [haha] whenever you're not busy, whenever I don't have class. When I do, my status will most likely be 'away', so yeah. You know I don't normally start convos, right? Don't forget we have a 9hr time difference, it changes to 10 when daylight savings is over, which is in November. It'll start again in about March.
I'd be really happy if any of you greet me, 'cause you know I'll always love you guys.
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